I'm just going to come out and say it, I'm in a funk. And I can funk with the funkiest, James Brown ain't got nothing on me. What's so neato is that this isn't my usual funk. This is a very contemplative, cut to the quick, self-emptying, non-pity party having, put-on-your-big-girl-pants kind of jam. I'm in super-serious, don't have a lot to say territory and THAT, my friends, is why I am writing this now. I sense that my time out is over and I learned my lesson, time to apply it. Who put me in time out? My Heavenly Father.
Here's a little transparency from me, a little backstory for anyone who's paying attention and doesn't really know the meat and potatoes of who I was pre Gospel Girl. My childhood was weird. My parents, who I will refer to as "Mom" and "Pop" to protect the innocent, were just a couple of hippies who met in the 70's got married, started a family and then imploded amidst sex, drugs and rock and roll. I got shuffled around a lot, saw things no little girl should've seen and had a huge, gaping hole in me that just wanted a whole bunch of love from my parents, Carol and Mike Brady style. God love them (and He really does), my parents just liked to have fun and didn't like consequences, responsibility or dealing with the real world. I can't tell you how many people I stayed with growing up, how many different schools I went to or how many times I found myself substituting my reality with whatever book I could get my hands on. I had a huge extended family who looked out for me and my fair share of guardian angels (one who I know had a set of wings on his wheelchair, here on Earth. Rest in Peace Daddy Jeff), otherwise I can assure you I wouldn't be here pecking the keys right now. My Mom stayed fairly present, but with a crippling bi-polar disorder and a couple of other personality disorders, alcoholism and a Skittles variety of medications all mixed together, I was often the parent in the relationship. The one who would take the keys, hide the beer, call the cops when things got rowdy and call to get the lights put back on when they'd been shut off due to months of non-payment. My Mom is a beautiful woman with a damaged mind. I truly do not think she was made for this world, her mind is that delicate. She did teach me how to love though, unconditionally. I've never known someone who I could feel so many things for all at once as my Mom. Mama, if you're reading this, I love you, you know all is forgiven. My Pop on the other hand, now that was all frustration, a girl can only sit on the front porch, stand outside of school, wait on the curb for someone so many times without them showing up before they dig a moat, fill it with alligators, build walls of flaming brick and mortar and top it with diamond-cut barbed wire that wraps around the very tower they're hiding in. Pop, if you're reading this you know I love you and all is forgiven. Now imagine trying to convince me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves, protects, adores, seeks and forgives me. Yeah, I think I mentioned mule headed and misguided in a previous post. It took a minute to grasp that concept and by minute I mean my entire life. I truly turn my face up in awe at God and the relationship we have. Okay, whoa, hang on before I go full mush, let me explain how my funk started.
How many of you have ever let someone else's opinion/rudeness/rejection/criticism make you feel like crap? Mmmhhmm. It hurts, doesn't it? The closer that person is, the more it hurts. That is because we have an undeniably continuous desire to be loved and accepted. Crazier than that, we expect everyone to treat us with Grace while we expect them to be the finished product. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. So to sum it up, we accept the wrong kind of love instead of giving the right kind of love. Or we love when it is easy to love, when we know it will be reciprocated and it is (altogether now) accepted. And this kind of love is poison. It is toxic and not only does it stunt our growth, it stunts our FAITH. In fact, any kind of "love" that separates us from God is toxic and to just put it in your face, if you're looking to anyone walking on two feet or even four to love you and (thank you Jerry Maguire for decades of dysfunction) complete you, you have it all wrong. It is called false idolatry and that, my friends is a sin. You will never find what you want, let alone what only God knows what you need. Take it from a girl who looked in all the wrong places to fill that void, who would crumble at the hint of rejection. If there is a part of you that can't function without the approval or admiration of those around you, if there is a part of you that is terrified of being alone and will allow anyone to use your heart as a scratching post for their loneliness, stop. Take a look in the mirror and repeat after me, "I am a child of the King of Kings, I deserve nothing less than God's best!!" Sweets, THAT is the truth. That is the truth that will set you free from whatever bondage your heart is in. Easier said than done? "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. Weakness. Whatever it is that messes you up every flipping time you think you're over it and causes your life to tailspin. We all have one. What is yours? Define it. Write it down. Comment it below. I don't care how you do it, just acknowledge it and then humor me; thank God for it. That is the exact reason you need Him. Did you know that He also provides a simple way to start getting over it? Totally. Jesus said, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 These are HIS words, Jesus said this to us!!!God in the flesh gave us such an easy route to His Grace that it almost seems inconceivable! (Princess Bride voice is a must here). You ever had a hot date and couldn't wait for that knock on the door because this could be the life defining moment of finding your one, true love?! Jesus is sitting on the other side of that door, sister (brothers too) and you can't even imagine how much He wants that opportunity to be your one, true love. He is waiting on that knock, for you to bust the door down looking for Him! He wants to show you that everything you ever wanted exists in His loving arms. You will never, ever, ever, ever find it in whatever you are trying to cram in that void to bury the weakness, to cover the pain. Not in work, food, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, fame, pity, football (not even Alabama football), or each other. How can you know it works? I wouldn't be typing this right now and thinking about my hot date with Jesus tonight (Bible Study! Hebrews is so cool!!) if it didn't. Knock. Ask. Seek. Now, since I got that out and am not feeling so funky anymore let me share with you what I learned in my time out.
I'm an apt pupil, I absorb information at an alarming rate. I always have and often times I overlook some important details because of this, but The Gospel of Jesus Christ, I know to be truth. I read something on June 2nd of this very year that captivated me, held me to where I was and gave me the power to make choices in my life that I never imagined myself being strong enough to make. It was my very literal, step out of the boat. "Follow me, Jesus said to him and Levi got up, left everything and followed him." Luke 5:27-28. Peter, Andrew, Levi, James, John. They all just got up and left everything they knew behind them and followed Jesus. Its a subtle yet consistent theme in the Gospels, to just leave whatever mattered to them to follow Jesus. No big deal, see ya on the flip side. And I had this radical thought; what if I do this too? Something in my heart said, do it. Thanks to The Holy Spirit on that one. My way was broken, it wasn't working. What if I just put it all down and followed Jesus? All I can tell you is that nothing is the same once you do. What I learned, in my funk, is that even though I thought I had left it all behind, I was mistaken. I have been holding on to one last notion; that I THINK I know what kind of love I deserve. My loving Father is showing me in a quiet display of the "protective Daddy" that He wants me to have the kind of love He KNOWS I deserve. I'm listening. I'm listening so hard that while watching Doc McStuffins with my 4 year old, I thought they said "Be quiet and listen for God's instructions" instead of Doc's instructions. Regardless, I got the message (and a strange look from said 4 year old when I yelled "Amen!!" at the television). I asked and it is being given to me. I've never known what it was like to have that protective Father, but now I do. You'll find it too, just knock. Ask. Seek. More importantly, listen. Notice a theme in my posts? We can all learn a thing or two thousand by just humbling our hearts to listen.
By the way, I love my family.
Love Always Protects
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