That day when I met Jesus, I was living under the influence of a multitude of lies and was willing to do anything to stop hearing them, including take my own life. At some point in time, long before that day, before I can even remember, I had started believing that everything about me was wrong. I'm ugly. It's bad to need. I'm not good enough, Nobody loves me. I'm alone. I shouldn't be here. I'm not lovable. If I were different, I would be loved.
If a stronghold is a structure of thoughts built on a foundation of lies, I had constructed a mansion. The thought that if I were different I would be loved had become my dysfunctional mission statement. I will be different. Other than what I am that keeps getting me abandoned. Used. Rejected. For many years before that day, I made a constant effort to be anything other than the "real" me, During that time I learned a behavior that was borrowed from the serpent itself.
I started to tell lies. I didn't want anyone to know about my past or my home life and I began to weave an intricate web of things I wished were true about my life, hoping to avoid rejection. Friends at school started noticing that my Dad wasn't around and would ask where he was and I'd concoct a story about how he was in the military and had to fly to some far off locale for an important assignment. He was in the military, but living with a girlfriend somewhere not too far away and didn't have time for things like back to school night or father-daughter dances. Later on, in middle school I would go on to tell concerned teachers that my parents were traveling internationally when nobody showed up for an awards ceremony. Remember that scene in Pretty In Pink where Molly Ringwald's character didn't want Andrew McCarthy's character to drive her home because she was embarrassed for him to see where she lived? I identified so hard it left my head spinning. Eventually, these made-up scenarios became even more fantastic and I found myself becoming angrier and angrier at my reality. These deceptions were becoming exceedingly difficult to hold together on the outside, but each one became the glue that solidified what I believed to be true inside- if anyone knew the truth, they would reject me. Are you starting to see how twisted a stronghold is? I lied to keep anyone from really knowing me, for fear that they would reject me, which in turn led me to further shame because now I knew their love, acceptance or affection couldn't be real because they didn't know the "real" me. The real me had been bound and gagged and left in a dungeon of emptiness.
If I've learned anything in my life it is this- nothing gets you into bigger trouble than emptiness. Comfort becomes a demanding and transient little "g" god and essentially is the enemy of fulfillment. In our fallen nature, we get really creative about how to fill ourselves up, don't we? Whether it comes in the form of food, alcohol, drugs, sex, money, gossip, escapism, self-harm, exercise, people-pleasing, intellectualism or any manner of behaviors that we abuse, we find ourselves needing more and more to keep the emptiness at bay. What I've discovered in all of my own empty ventures is that any time you can't get enough of anything, it is because you are missing something very important. Deficient of a healthy way to cope with the emptiness, we become "other", seek "other", and eventually bow down to "other" to achieve a fleeting moment of comfort. Eventually, I became unable to see anything in myself that was good as I had given way to stringing those fleeting moments together to feel anything. People began to lose their value to me as I learned to view them as residing in one of two different camps; those I could get something from and those I couldn't. Guess which camp I spent the most time in? I had become a taker, entitled to my own wants and unable to form a healthy bond with anyone, no matter how hard they tried to love me. To believe that anyone could love me was a painful, dangerous fantasy that I couldn't dare indulge in. I could be whoever I needed to be to blend in with my surroundings and eventually I couldn't even hear the muffled cries of the "real" me any longer.
None of this is easy to admit, but it's real. It is an inside glimpse into how the enemy of our souls begins his unceasing campaign to blot us out. Maybe you experienced some painful events in your past and began to hear the lies too? Maybe your behavior showed up in the form of perfectionism or way too much wine to numb life or even becoming extremely controlling so nothing could burst your safe little bubble- but whatever it looks like I implore you to know you don't have to stay there.
The day after I met Jesus, my life looked exactly the same, but it felt different. There was a hope in my heart that just wouldn't budge and for the first time, I realized that I didn't feel completely and utterly burdened by my past and present. And the possibility that I could even have a future? All of a sudden it felt like I did! One thing I've discovered after giving my life to Jesus is a new perspective on how we don't really fight against a flesh and blood enemy, it is a battle in the spiritual: the enemy can only sloppily copy and pervert what God has already done. The devil cannot create anything new, so he twists and distorts what's already been created. Satan sees how the Holy Spirit comes to renew us and make us Christ like, so he dispatches his unholy spirits to destroy us and make us more like him. Empty, hateful, deceitful and broken. Puts a new spin on "misery loves company", doesn't it?
Jesus sacrificed His life and conquered death to deliver us out of the kingdom of darkness and misery. He poured out our freedom in a red and thick covering over those most deeply felt needs for peace and hope and joy. For faith, for love! Every need met and not because of what we bring but according to His glory. Once I made the decision to follow Jesus, I was transferred over into eternity with Him. Forever. The reign and dominion of darkness on my life ceased immediately. The behaviors, however; they hung on a little longer. I spent many years building those faulty structures and my "flesh" was experiencing quite a bit of muscle memory. Old patterns are difficult to undo, but not impossible. The Bible says it like this, "With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible"-Matthew 19:26 (NLT). Those patterns have taken some time and total surrender of this sack of dust. I've had to learn to transform myself by thinking differently about who I am and especially open my heart to receive all of the love Jesus has for me. I've had to learn to accept and love myself as God made me. Rejecting myself was saying He didn't do a good enough work! How do you tell GOD that He messed up? I've severed ties to people in my life who were unhealthy and forged new friendships with people who love me where I am and also keep me on the good and narrow path. The most beautiful and redeeming part of this journey though? Learning that I was liar for the wrong kingdom because I am an even better truth teller for God's Kingdom. There is the purest, most unimaginable joy that comes into my heart when I am able to minister God's word and truth and show His lost children the way home. No longer do I look at people as a way to get what I need, but now I listen for what God might say they need. Should it surprise me that it is almost always love and understanding?
I understand that shame never has to darken my face again and I am free to let the "real" me out to run wild and free. The work of restoration is not an easy labor, but it is one ripe with discovery. Learning to stand on a solid foundation of truth that is only found in God's word has helped me form a new mission statement, by the way. Want to know what it is?
Everything God says about me is true!
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are a "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."- 2 Corinthians 1:20
None of this is easy to admit, but it's real. It is an inside glimpse into how the enemy of our souls begins his unceasing campaign to blot us out. Maybe you experienced some painful events in your past and began to hear the lies too? Maybe your behavior showed up in the form of perfectionism or way too much wine to numb life or even becoming extremely controlling so nothing could burst your safe little bubble- but whatever it looks like I implore you to know you don't have to stay there.
The day after I met Jesus, my life looked exactly the same, but it felt different. There was a hope in my heart that just wouldn't budge and for the first time, I realized that I didn't feel completely and utterly burdened by my past and present. And the possibility that I could even have a future? All of a sudden it felt like I did! One thing I've discovered after giving my life to Jesus is a new perspective on how we don't really fight against a flesh and blood enemy, it is a battle in the spiritual: the enemy can only sloppily copy and pervert what God has already done. The devil cannot create anything new, so he twists and distorts what's already been created. Satan sees how the Holy Spirit comes to renew us and make us Christ like, so he dispatches his unholy spirits to destroy us and make us more like him. Empty, hateful, deceitful and broken. Puts a new spin on "misery loves company", doesn't it?
Jesus sacrificed His life and conquered death to deliver us out of the kingdom of darkness and misery. He poured out our freedom in a red and thick covering over those most deeply felt needs for peace and hope and joy. For faith, for love! Every need met and not because of what we bring but according to His glory. Once I made the decision to follow Jesus, I was transferred over into eternity with Him. Forever. The reign and dominion of darkness on my life ceased immediately. The behaviors, however; they hung on a little longer. I spent many years building those faulty structures and my "flesh" was experiencing quite a bit of muscle memory. Old patterns are difficult to undo, but not impossible. The Bible says it like this, "With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible"-Matthew 19:26 (NLT). Those patterns have taken some time and total surrender of this sack of dust. I've had to learn to transform myself by thinking differently about who I am and especially open my heart to receive all of the love Jesus has for me. I've had to learn to accept and love myself as God made me. Rejecting myself was saying He didn't do a good enough work! How do you tell GOD that He messed up? I've severed ties to people in my life who were unhealthy and forged new friendships with people who love me where I am and also keep me on the good and narrow path. The most beautiful and redeeming part of this journey though? Learning that I was liar for the wrong kingdom because I am an even better truth teller for God's Kingdom. There is the purest, most unimaginable joy that comes into my heart when I am able to minister God's word and truth and show His lost children the way home. No longer do I look at people as a way to get what I need, but now I listen for what God might say they need. Should it surprise me that it is almost always love and understanding?
I understand that shame never has to darken my face again and I am free to let the "real" me out to run wild and free. The work of restoration is not an easy labor, but it is one ripe with discovery. Learning to stand on a solid foundation of truth that is only found in God's word has helped me form a new mission statement, by the way. Want to know what it is?
Everything God says about me is true!
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are a "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."- 2 Corinthians 1:20
