Aside from the typical business that goes down when six kids constantly need something from you,(I totally embrace this, I promise. I get to do this, right? A dear sister sent me a devotional today that was a wonderful reminder that this is what I signed up for. I couldn't help but laugh. Who signs up for 4 boys???) I decided to go back to school, as well as haplessly lead a blossoming women's ministry in a church that is about to outgrow it's steeple. Yes, I am a wee bit crazy these days and I think I used toothpaste in lieu of pomade to smooth my unruly bangs this morning.
But seriously, God is still on the throne and in the business of blowing my peppermint scented hair back. I paused for a moment this morning after all six of my charges made it into the hands of their teachers and felt Jesus ask me for my own hands. In my spirit, I could see Him sitting across from me in all his beautiful light. Then there was me awkwardly approaching with great trepidation, laying my hands, palms down in His. What happened next, the image of my Savior gently taking my hands and turning them palms up, riveted me to the moment. "Always be expectant from Me, I want to give you so much". Everything in me shifted.
Of course He does. The ultimate gentleman, He never takes. How do I get this so upside down sometimes? I've been hesitant in my prayers lately. Avoiding my Bible. Feeling like all I've been doing is asking for more and more and more, a crescendo of need filling my prayer time. Yet, Jesus tells me to expect more? I thought I was supposed to feel guilty for wanting more and repentant for asking for too much? This all feels so hard sometimes and like I am never going to get it right. Wait, shouldn't I repent for saying that? Does it offend God that I have questions? What can I do to make it up to Him?? (He knows we have questions and honey, does He have the best answers).
Yeah, therein lies the problem. My squirrelly brain got religious for a spell. I somehow scrambled the relationship that Jesus Immanuel died to have with me because He's completely in love with me and wants my expectation of Him to be exquisitely large. And maybe cut His people some slack because they are people. How did I let religion separate me from my Savior? I started striving and abandoned thriving, abiding and all of the other "ings" that truly belong to God's children. I let works work the love right out of me.
Then, I let thoughts sneak in. "Surely God sides with me and wants this person to change too, so I'm going to pray that He hits them with a 2 x 4". Where is the love in that prayer? "God what do I have to do for my life to look like _______?". Ummm, hello coveting. "Nobody understands how difficult being/doing/having/not having/expecting _______ is". Pity party?! I have a couple of words for you. Bitter roots. They've been creeping. Words hold a lot of power and thoughts comprised of a bunch of negative ones are pretty much like taking vows that say you won't allow yourself to be blessed in the unique way God wants to bless you. If you're not following it means this; speaking a bunch of stupid stuff over your life and watching it go down the path of the bad "ings". Read, sucking. I can't find that word in my concordance. In fact the only other "ings" in the column we would find it in are these two nuggets; stumbling and submitting. God is so good at giving, I can't make this stuff up. It's like He put the problem and the solution all on the same page because if you are doing one, you cannot be doing the other.
I have not been submitting my thoughts to Christ. I have not been submitting my plans to God. He's been speaking to me and I have been another word found on that same column, stubborn. The funny thing about being stubborn is that there are quite a few people who take great pride in being stiff necked and thick headed, however; I am not one of them. I fancy myself as fairly flexible and adaptable, typically keeping a student mentality. Because of the content of what He's been trying to get through my noggin though, I have suddenly become a mule-headed know it all.
There is no perfect formula for accepting love, it always looks and feels awkward when you've avoided it for a long time. Yeah, when it comes to accepting love, I'm a know it all. In an entirely ridiculous way. It's like when people sing Happy Birthday to you and you can't sing along because that would just be weird singing to yourself, so you avoid eye contact and wish everyone would hurry up because they are all staring at you and aren't we supposed to not want attention and adoration? Please tell me you understand this and that I'm not the only one freakishly agonizing for the chorus to end? A long time ago, I spoke things over myself that were untrue and kept them on repeat. God is now replacing those lies with His truth. You know what I keep doing? I keep looking away. I don't know how to be adored. I don't know how to accept blessing. I am spiritually lopsided. "No, God, I will show you how much I love you." Now I understand why we are called sheep, we would literally drown, bogged down by our own weight because we are comfortable in our overgrown wool. Just pretend wool means something heavier there. I told you long ago, I am an amateur writer. Anyhow, here are some examples of what I've told myself. Wonder if any of them will ring true for you as well?
I've done too much to be forgiven.
I spent too much of my life without God, He only blesses those who have always believed.
My past just keeps coming back in my face.
I'm not enough.
I'm too much.
I'm not qualified.
That's not for me.
My life isn't going to be anything great.
I'm cancelling those right now. I cancel every negative thought or action associated with them. I am cancelling them at the Cross and through the blood of my Savior. It is like saying what Jesus did wasn't enough when I accept those lies. IF that wasn't enough, what possibly could be? Those thoughts are well laid traps that have caught me too many times. Want to know the truth?
"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8
"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the Earth! For I am God and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22
"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation a people for His own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." 1Peter 2:9
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" Psalm 138:8
"Let us hold fast our confession of our hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
"Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah 33:3
God so loved us that He gave His only Son. Too often, it becomes hard for me to wrap my mind around the intimacy of this truth. God could do anything, but He chooses to give to me. To you.
He chose to give so that we could live, in freedom. So that. Every time God moves, speaks, creates, breathes; it is so that. Perhaps the time has come that I lay aside these thoughts that entangle me so that I can receive this incredible gift that has been given to me. To realize the weight and power of His glory as I open my hands to accept the love and truth of how He really feels about me. Maybe it is time to stop working so hard at a love that isn't dependent on me at all and faithfully obey the voice of the Lord. Now, as I turn my face toward His, I see it. The elusive "ing" He's been trying to give me.
Blessing.
He wants to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others. Same goes for you. Don't be a lopsided sheep.
Father, all to Jesus I surrender.
Happy birthday to my hubby, you truly are my blessing.
Of course He does. The ultimate gentleman, He never takes. How do I get this so upside down sometimes? I've been hesitant in my prayers lately. Avoiding my Bible. Feeling like all I've been doing is asking for more and more and more, a crescendo of need filling my prayer time. Yet, Jesus tells me to expect more? I thought I was supposed to feel guilty for wanting more and repentant for asking for too much? This all feels so hard sometimes and like I am never going to get it right. Wait, shouldn't I repent for saying that? Does it offend God that I have questions? What can I do to make it up to Him?? (He knows we have questions and honey, does He have the best answers).
Yeah, therein lies the problem. My squirrelly brain got religious for a spell. I somehow scrambled the relationship that Jesus Immanuel died to have with me because He's completely in love with me and wants my expectation of Him to be exquisitely large. And maybe cut His people some slack because they are people. How did I let religion separate me from my Savior? I started striving and abandoned thriving, abiding and all of the other "ings" that truly belong to God's children. I let works work the love right out of me.
Then, I let thoughts sneak in. "Surely God sides with me and wants this person to change too, so I'm going to pray that He hits them with a 2 x 4". Where is the love in that prayer? "God what do I have to do for my life to look like _______?". Ummm, hello coveting. "Nobody understands how difficult being/doing/having/not having/expecting _______ is". Pity party?! I have a couple of words for you. Bitter roots. They've been creeping. Words hold a lot of power and thoughts comprised of a bunch of negative ones are pretty much like taking vows that say you won't allow yourself to be blessed in the unique way God wants to bless you. If you're not following it means this; speaking a bunch of stupid stuff over your life and watching it go down the path of the bad "ings". Read, sucking. I can't find that word in my concordance. In fact the only other "ings" in the column we would find it in are these two nuggets; stumbling and submitting. God is so good at giving, I can't make this stuff up. It's like He put the problem and the solution all on the same page because if you are doing one, you cannot be doing the other.
I have not been submitting my thoughts to Christ. I have not been submitting my plans to God. He's been speaking to me and I have been another word found on that same column, stubborn. The funny thing about being stubborn is that there are quite a few people who take great pride in being stiff necked and thick headed, however; I am not one of them. I fancy myself as fairly flexible and adaptable, typically keeping a student mentality. Because of the content of what He's been trying to get through my noggin though, I have suddenly become a mule-headed know it all.
There is no perfect formula for accepting love, it always looks and feels awkward when you've avoided it for a long time. Yeah, when it comes to accepting love, I'm a know it all. In an entirely ridiculous way. It's like when people sing Happy Birthday to you and you can't sing along because that would just be weird singing to yourself, so you avoid eye contact and wish everyone would hurry up because they are all staring at you and aren't we supposed to not want attention and adoration? Please tell me you understand this and that I'm not the only one freakishly agonizing for the chorus to end? A long time ago, I spoke things over myself that were untrue and kept them on repeat. God is now replacing those lies with His truth. You know what I keep doing? I keep looking away. I don't know how to be adored. I don't know how to accept blessing. I am spiritually lopsided. "No, God, I will show you how much I love you." Now I understand why we are called sheep, we would literally drown, bogged down by our own weight because we are comfortable in our overgrown wool. Just pretend wool means something heavier there. I told you long ago, I am an amateur writer. Anyhow, here are some examples of what I've told myself. Wonder if any of them will ring true for you as well?
I've done too much to be forgiven.
I spent too much of my life without God, He only blesses those who have always believed.
My past just keeps coming back in my face.
I'm not enough.
I'm too much.
I'm not qualified.
That's not for me.
My life isn't going to be anything great.
I'm cancelling those right now. I cancel every negative thought or action associated with them. I am cancelling them at the Cross and through the blood of my Savior. It is like saying what Jesus did wasn't enough when I accept those lies. IF that wasn't enough, what possibly could be? Those thoughts are well laid traps that have caught me too many times. Want to know the truth?
"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8
"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the Earth! For I am God and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22
"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation a people for His own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." 1Peter 2:9
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" Psalm 138:8
"Let us hold fast our confession of our hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
"Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah 33:3
God so loved us that He gave His only Son. Too often, it becomes hard for me to wrap my mind around the intimacy of this truth. God could do anything, but He chooses to give to me. To you.
He chose to give so that we could live, in freedom. So that. Every time God moves, speaks, creates, breathes; it is so that. Perhaps the time has come that I lay aside these thoughts that entangle me so that I can receive this incredible gift that has been given to me. To realize the weight and power of His glory as I open my hands to accept the love and truth of how He really feels about me. Maybe it is time to stop working so hard at a love that isn't dependent on me at all and faithfully obey the voice of the Lord. Now, as I turn my face toward His, I see it. The elusive "ing" He's been trying to give me.
Blessing.
He wants to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others. Same goes for you. Don't be a lopsided sheep.
Father, all to Jesus I surrender.
Happy birthday to my hubby, you truly are my blessing.
