The result? I stand here, intact, sword in hand and wearing a humble smile of victory. My Father showed up and reminded me Who I belong to and that monsters under the bed are His specialty. I'm stronger, which in turn has made me more vulnerable. I'm a warrior, which in turn has made me more peaceful. I'm forgiven, which in turn has made me more forgiving. Most importantly, I am chosen. I haven't quite figured out what all that entails yet, BUT and this is a big BUT, I feel called to something with such a ferocity that I know He has it all figured out and the details will work themselves out. There is one thing that I wanted to share though, it is equal parts humorous and sad but I feel convicted to put it out there, nonetheless.
I got really, really angry at everything and everyone before I was able to slay those monsters. Including God. Shouting at God in my closet was a low point until I tried shouting at God in the shower, in the car, on the couch...on a retreat. You get the picture. I was an angry girl, probably scared a few folks and even got annointed once in the process (I think they were afraid I was going to start shouting at them next). I didn't want to do it, but I had to get down into a pit and look those things in the eye to answer questions that I'd been allowing to burn in me for far too long. I found that the biggest sin that engulfed my life was this; I didn't trust God. I'd learned a dangerous habit, I guarded against hope with a singularly destructive thought, "God is against me". Somewhere along the way, I'd been lulled into that lie and accepted it, while rejecting myself. I rejected everything about myself and was angry that God made me the way I am. Never once did I stop to consider any of this was a lie. It just felt too natural to accept that I was wrong, made unlovable and condemned to a life of bitter struggle and a voice in my head repeated this shouting soundtrack of shame and hopelessness around the clock. Now imagine the moment in the pit when I looked the monster in the eyes and realized the shouting voice belonged to it. It wanted me to reject myself so I would reject God, you cannot commit one without the other. Imagine the moment I realized the sound of my Savior's voice whispering very closely, waiting to be heard all along. Whispering everything I had been thirsting to hear my entire life, "You are so loved, adored, treasured. You don't have to do anything, just be here with Me." All my life, I've been "doing", "trying", "wanting" and all it really takes is to be in His presence. To seek His voice.
White hot at the lies of the monster you'll never be enough. White hot at the ruin your life is such a mess. White hot anger poured out of my core THIS TIME, I TRUST IN THE LORD!
White hot at the lies of the monster you'll never be enough. White hot at the ruin your life is such a mess. White hot anger poured out of my core THIS TIME, I TRUST IN THE LORD!
My anger didn't have a language to explain itself. My anger shifted. My anger was finally aimed in the direction and focused on the target it should have been on all along. That monster got really small and quiet as the love of my Heavenly Father became the biggest thing I have ever known. That anger, white hot and scorching is now cooled to the perfect temperature and will be forged as weapons. Love. Mercy. Forgiveness. Grace. Courage. You hear the jingling? These weapons, they will be used to help free others. Ever seen a girl equipped with love and redemption? We mean business. So yeah, I took a little time off from blogging, but don't count this girl out. My Father says I'm only getting started. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1 ESV . I have faith.
Lord, I'm ready now.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
