That Church Thing

There's this friend I've known since high school who I still keep in touch with, regardless of the 2,000 miles between us. 

We've both changed tremendously since the days of backyard parties and stumbling through the awkward hurry-up and wait phase of a 90's kid in Southern California. Back then, we were always in a hurry to get to the next stage of our lives, but caught in the limbo of growing up too fast and not wanting to be grown up.  Bands like Bad Religion and NOFX had us thinking we were expected to stand up against "the man", all while trying to figure out how to get three bucks to pitch in for gas to get to a party where the cops were always going to show up and someone was always going to get sick in the back seat while making a hasty getaway. There's a weird juxtaposition that happens when you live like that; you know right, you do wrong and then you get up and do it all again in the morning. The whole time, waiting to be somebody, someday.  For some, the parties never ended and you can still find them with a beer can in hand every Friday or Saturday night reliving a past that forgot about them. For others, they actually did the very thing we wanted and feared the most. They grew up and made something out of themselves. Then, the ones who never even made it out alive. All I know is that I have been all three at some point in time. Somehow, this one friendship survived it all in tact though. I believe it comes from a common confusion of wanting to conform without ever really conforming. Also built upon a deep love for pasta, family and adventure. 

The truth is, we both believe in mercy, friend. Looking back, we were both big-hearted saps cloaked as free-spirits who didn't care about anything but freedom. As Janis Joplin breathed out in all her rasp on your 18th birthday, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose".  I think we both learned that life doesn't start when you hit 18, it really starts when buying into our own freedom leaves us bankrupt. When that thought of "when does life start for me?" played louder in our heads than any one concert that we'd ever been to. Girl, I think we both learned that this life is about so much more than we ever imagined.

Now, you ask me this question after so many years of living spiritually bankrupt, "So what made you decide to do the church thing?". 

I haven't decided to do the "church thing". I knew when you asked that, exactly which church thing you were talking about.  The very one that I avoided as a teenager and still avoid now. It's the one where your life must appear perfect and is basically a club of fellow legalists who forget to send the invitation to the dude who showed up last week reeking of whiskey and bad choices. Because there are other churches for "those kinds of people". I know the church you're asking about too well. No, I don't do that church thing. 

Friend, I love you. I'm going to give you the most honest and raw answer I've got without sounding too churchy or Christianese. 

I AM a Jesus thing. 

Church is a place I serve God, worship and pray. 

A couple of thousand years ago, God wanted me to know how much He loves me and wanted me to stop acting like a self-centered beast-child, so he put on some skin and came down here when He could have stayed in Heaven and just watched me self-destruct. He faced everything that tries to kill me and put it in its rightful place because He has that power. He healed the sick, blind, deaf, mute, dying, dead and demon-possessed all while knowing that a painful day was coming, leaving his ravaged body nailed on a tree. When really, it should've been me. I couldn't tell you in a million years why Jesus loves me that much, especially after all of the ridiculous stuff I have done or especially after I told Him that I didn't believe in Him anyways, but He does. It truly freaks me out in a tremendous way. Friend, I fumbled around for years looking for love like that in the wrong places, you've witnessed some of that. When I finally exhausted those options, He still wanted me. Jesus still loved me when there wasn't anything lovable left about me and showed me that He doesn't even see me the way I deserve to be seen. He sees the best in me and shows up every day to remind me of that. I've grown to love Jesus so much that it is difficult to comprehend letting Him down after all He's done for me. The beautiful and unfathomable truth is that when I do fall, we work it out and He puts me right back up on my feet, never making me feel ashamed. Nobody else loves me like that and once I accepted that love, I realized that I was created for it. There was a time before I was born when He knew me and there is a time I will return to God, joyfully. That thing I had been missing all along wasn't a "church thing". It was Jesus. 

Yes, there is still the question about His church. There in lies your answer. Once my heart was set on Jesus, I wanted to know His church. Sadly, in this world, many of them posture themselves to look like one, but they don't truly love like one. If you've experienced this, I'm sorry. I know when I did, I was left feeling worse than when I went it and as lost as ever. Jesus himself knew this would happen. That's why He sent His Holy Spirit to help us. I'm sure you've heard of this, or the Holy Ghost. Some people refer to it differently. I remember conjuring up an image of some ghastly, dead Pope following me around condemning me for everything I did wrong and shaking a rosary over my damned head. Hey, that was a biblical use of that word, get off the judgment seat already! I marvel that it is nothing like that, it is the sweetest infilling of peace, love and joy that I've ever known. The pure stuff, not the counterfeit the world tries to sell you. It is the very spirit of a Savior. The thoughts of a God who is all light and love. He's nothing like I thought and I want everyone to know that, to know Him. I gather with others who feel like I do and we encourage, build up and love on each other through this life thing and do our best to show that when He lives inside of us, its not about us. We do our best to carry out what God designed us to do, but we get that we are human. God knows how hard this life is, how scary it can be and He is merciful. The church should be too. It is about bringing others into this same love and showing them the real face of God that the devil doesn't want us to know and the world will distort. Church is a corporate gathering of grace, mercy, love and repentance when it is at it's best. It becomes a place of shame, guilt and condemnation when people forget about the relationship with Jesus and take it to a place of religious legalism. Where we grew up, churches are fewer and harder to find, I remember. I'm fortunate that God took me and plopped me down right in the middle of the Bible Belt, where the soil is rich and good for sowing seeds and you see the fruits of laborers past. Churches grow here like clusters of grapes and are ripe with love. Yeah, it took me coming here to uproot the weeds of my heart, but the beauty of the vine that is reaching out towards the Son is breathtaking. I barely recognize myself anymore, I see someone I never knew I could be and it is well with my soul. So well. Know this though, whenever you seek Him, He will be there waiting for you. Wherever He has plopped you. 

I've learned from reading the Bible every day that not everyone will have the same ardor for Jesus as those of us who truly belong to Him. He said some stuff that makes my head spin, wasn't always the most popular guy, but He freed people from death and sin and gave them peace.  I don't believe in the same notions of the world that I once believed in. I don't compromise God's word for a dead world, because my heart is purposed for Him. Not because I am afraid of His wrath or scared to believe in anything else; I have a relationship with my God and if you've ever had a relationship, you know that it isn't one sided. He doesn't dictate rules and commandments to me to rule His Almighty power over me. He gives me statutes so that I can love others effectively. The burden, pressure and stress of controlling my own life lessens as I surrender to God, who created everything out of nothing. Why wouldn't I want the God who fashioned things like Saturn and ladybugs, belly laughs and chocolate chip cookie dough to take the reigns for me? Obviously, He's got it going on far better than I could even attempt. What gets people tripped up though is that their expectations of people get so high and their knowledge of who God really is and what Jesus really means gets too low. It is easy to do, people are right here in front of our faces, jacking up our own little kingdoms every day and demanding things from us that we don't want to give. If the only example we ever give ourselves is what the world sells us on, life or death and all eternity become relative. Where's the purpose? Isn't that the question we all want to know? I will give you a hint, it isn't in being happy and having all of the things we want or even in our spouses, children or jobs. Remember the last time someone said something kind to you and life suddenly didn't feel so hard? Remember how good it felt when you found out you could make your child laugh? Purpose is hidden in those moments, friend. To this day, you still have one of the most joyful laughs and smiles I have ever witnessed. Thank you for asking this question. I hope I answered it in a way that brings that smile to the surface.  

It's an inevitable question these days as I now wear my cross as proudly as some remember me wearing band t-shirts, torn up jeans and Doc Martens. I knew the question would come though and I'm glad. If nothing else, it means that I made it out alive. Just in the most unexpected way; set apart. 

P.S.-My friend, there is this dude named Peter in the Bible who is totally awesome. He gets all bent out of shape and says crazy stuff, screws up and then feels really bad. Jesus had to have asked at least once, "Is this guy Sicilian?". Turns out, he was the one Jesus trusted most to build His church. 

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as the Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Attitude of Gratitude

So, this isn't going to be about me.

It's all about you. I don't know many of you, but I know that one year ago today, God told me to sit down and write and I did. One of my better examples of obedience to date, but as is the nature of our Almighty, He gave me something I never expected. Couldn't even dream of.

He gave me over 2,200 of you in over 30 countries. That's about 1,180 more of you reading my ramblings than I ever expected. That's a beautiful you, sitting in MANY places I've only dreamed of going and some I'd probably be too afraid to venture into to. I have learned more about the world because of you. This is a thankful me saying;

Whoever you are, I humbly appreciate your time. I hope I haven't let Jesus down in representing Him as the loveliest being that ever graced not only the world's presence, but my own. Truly, I say to you (going to borrow His favorite intro), if you haven't experienced Jesus Christ yet, you can. Right where you are whether it is in Kazakhstan or Mozambique, you can invite Him right into your heart. Even though I may not know where you are, He does and He's ready and able to show you the love you've always wanted. It really is that easy.

So, Poland, Ukraine, France, Turkey, United Kingdom, Bulgaria, Brazil, Canada, China, India, Scotland, Greece, Hungary, Portugal, Spain, Ireland, Germany, Kazakhstan, Fiji, Australia, El Salvador, Venezuela, Indonesia, Romania, Netherlands, Argentina, Taiwan, Mozambique, Russia, the United State of America and Malaysia; This Gospel loving girl loves you. You've shown me a glimpse of just how far and how wide God's love really is.

Thank You.


Heavenly Father, I pray that every person reading this would know the salvation available through your Son, Jesus Christ. We have witnessed the lengths you will go to in order to bring your lost sheep home. Father, let me glorify you with the words I place here and impart to every person reading this, a sense of peace and love in all they do for your Kingdom. Give them courage, give them the boldness to approach the Lion of the Judah and bury their faces in His mane and know Your unending love. For it is you who holds the power to tear down every dark power and stronghold, it is You who sets us free. Thank you for your mercy and goodness for your grace and love that is available to all. Let us receive it, in Jesus' name. Amen. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Confession time; I can be a little bratty in the romance department. Entitled even. How did I get this way? Oh yeah...

Years of reading saucy romance novels and watching happy-ending-only chick flicks led me down a red rose petal dotted path of steam and fluff. Combine that with not having a daily father figure in my life to show me the practicalities of love, only the exaggerated holiday or infrequent weekend varieties which included ginormous teddy bears and trips to amusement parks to ease the pain of absence and you end up with one very skewed idea of what love looks like. It looks like flowers, extravagant gifts and mix-tapes (this shows my age) of sappy love ballads that you play on repeat. It can also look a lot like candlelit dinners, hand in hand walks down the beach and lots and lots of melodramatic fights, tears and pouting followed by reconciliation and empty promises made in between smothering kisses and high intensity emotions that wax and wane with the moon. This, my friends, is not romance. This is setting a stage, handing over a script and demanding action, but it is not what love really looks like. That's all the makings of infatuation.

When my husband and I first met, he admitted to not being the most romantic guy on the planet. The first time he bought flowers for me while we were dating, he put them in a vase on his dining room table and flippantly mentioned that they were for me. Two days after I had noticed them while at his house for dinner. They never made it to my house. Not even kidding. Then there was my birthday when I got all dressed up (dress, boots, great hair!!!) because he said we had some things to do. We went to Lowe's. So he could do yard work. Which was followed by a nap. We ended up going out to dinner that night, but I had already wilted and it was a rather quiet meal. Lots of pouting. Needless to say, there wasn't an abundance of sap or fluff and for a period of time, I questioned whether I could continue on because he seemed so oblivious to my needs. What made me happy. What made me feel valued and loved. What made me feel important. Do you notice a theme yet?

Me, me, me and more me. It was all about me.

But, who am I? 

I was robbed of the love I needed to flourish and be secure as a child and never knew who I was or grew into the person God created me to be. I learned to perform for love, to survive on a diet of small encouragements here and there and desperately wanted to be perfect in hopes that someone, anyone would find me acceptable. I couldn't be me because I was deeply involved in being who I thought could be loved. I never got to know myself and if there was any hint of anything in me that someone didn't respond to or like, death to it! Not acceptable. The pressure was unreal. The desperation was dysfunctional.The result; a grossly malnourished idea of what love really is and who I really am. I was stuck in a cycle of constantly trying to prove myself. 

Don't ever underestimate the value in knowing yourself, in feeling secure. Insecurities will take root and sprout up strangling weeds in your heart so quickly that you won't even realize when you're fertilizing them with selfishness. It isn't malicious and it isn't intentional. We were created for love, but when we are robbed of the stuff that makes us thrive, we substitute love with a lot of other messy junk that clogs the flow that love is truly suppose to follow; outwards. All I knew is that people taught me that love looked like things, typically given out of emotion and emotions come and go. I learned to desperately take dysfunctional love and pant for more, wildly clinging to the notion that it was the last I was going to get. Love isn't an emotion, nor is it anything that should be begged or dangled in front of us like the proverbial carrot. 

Love is a promise that we either choose to accept or ignore. Whether we acknowledge it, fight it or fly from it, it stays the same. 1 John 4:8 tells us, "Whoever does not love, does not know God, for God is love" (ESV, emphasis by me). So let me ask you; are you actively giving love or are you actively manipulating your surroundings to get love? There is no shame in this getting part, please know this. We all do it. But, the word "does" is an ongoing kind of action. The word "is" is an unchangeable fact. If you are not doing, then you cannot know what "is". Are you lost yet? Me too. Fo' shizzle. Basically, if you are sitting around not dishing the stuff out like God does, then it is no wonder you aren't feeling or receiving it. You have to know His character to understand one very solid truth, you can't get away from love, He's always giving it and He wants you to be just like Him. Jesus was a dirty footed carpenter with a knack for rhetoric and political incorrectness from an awkward dot on the map and yet He loved more effectively than anyone else in the history of ever without giving a single red rose or box of chocolates. His love looked like parables, casting out demons, walking on water (okay, that's pretty mushy when a guy will walk on water to get to you) and laying His blessed hands on a dead man to resurrect him. God's love looked like a brutal sacrifice and scandalous grace hanging from a cross. His blood, reflecting all that we mean to Him and that He would trade Heaven for us to know it. We live in a post-modern world though and it just doesn't seem all that romantic anymore to intentionally walk out of your way to purposefully show a woman you love her (John 4:7) when you can just pick up a phone and send her an "emoticon". Somewhere along the way, we have forgotten about real effort and elbow-grease in our relationships , replacing Agape with "what about me?".  Guilty, party of one, doing the typing. If grace is an ocean, I need to take these sinner's shoes off and dive in. 

My husband might not have the commercialized market cornered in the romance department, but he certainly has it nailed in the Kingdom area. Looking backwards, I can tell you about the time when I was sick and couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed, so he sent someone over to clean my house. Or when my youngest had his tonsils out and he showed up with a bag of surprises to take his mind off of the pain. There was another time (by time, I mean months) when I was working two jobs and he looked in on my kids to make sure they had dinner and were safe. When the wheel flew off my garbage can, he arrived with zip-ties and determination (this is how he courted me, by the way. Nothing shows interest like a man willing to work on your trashcan). Sitting in the truck to let me listen to the end of a song I love, changing my air filter, servicing my car. These are all ways that I was romanced, only I was too busy looking for the shiny packages and sky-writing to realize it at the time. But this weekend, when I saw him on his hands and knees, barefooted and covered in the dirt and grime of a true labor of love, I realized it. He planted a beautiful garden for me. 

"You deserve a beautiful garden", he said.

God showed us the same kind of love, ya know. He gave us a garden and we chose to look for shiny packages and writing in the sky. Let me not make the same mistake as Eve and forget the beauty of the simplicity, that I don't have to know another way as much as I need to acknowledge and love this way of life. Quiet grit, goofy dancing in the kitchen and a real affinity for Sasquatch are all good with me. This garden of transplanted flowers, it is planted in good soil. The hours and sweat in the August sun, the dirt under your fingernails and the stiff lower back say so because love is sacrificial and you felt I was worthy. 

A wounded vessel of mercy hung on a cross to say so because love is sacrificial and You felt I was worthy. 

Maybe you don't have someone in your life who brings you chocolate covered peanuts or twizzlers, because he knows they are your favorite. Maybe you are in a season of wondering if you ever will. Please, hold on to this anchor of hope; God made a sacrifice for you and has a plan and hope for your future. It is easier to hold on to the flesh of a person, than it is to hope in an invisible God, this I know. But, He promises that He cares for you and will continue to care for you. Put your hopes into prayer and let the Holy Spirit gently lead you into loving God for who He is, not necessarily what gifts He brings you. There is a King in Heaven who died to hear your voice and know His love for you. Let that be enough when your tender heart is yearning for more than this world is offering you. The truth is, I didn't even really know what my needs were until I met Jesus. He redefined them all. 

God, let these truths be enough for me. Let me remember Your character when I want to make it all about me. If humility is caring more about others than ourselves, then I believe that true romance lies in humility. It is the end of ourselves and the outward flow of love that comes from knowing God's character, intimately. God is love. Paul said in best in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. How does it look in real life for me though?

Love is patient when you're weak and throwing punches at invisible fears, fighting something that isn't there anymore.

Love brings you endless kleenex when the fighting wears you down and all you have left are snot and tears.

Love lets your light shine when it is burning bright and doesn't cast a shadow over it. 

Love never makes you feel small, but charges the giant with you. 

Love admits to screwing up sometimes, but earnestly tries to get it right. It doesn't ask you for perfection either, but lets you learn you who are.

Love could raise it's voice, but holds you instead.

Love forgets your mess ups and highlights your step ups. 

Love kicks the devil in the shins and helps you to your knees to reclaim the victory.  

Love says look at the covenant promise circling your finger. 

Love is steadfast, a kiss on the forehead and daydreaming about keeping bees, bucket lists and grandkids. 

Love sees me and still does all of the above. 

This is my romance. And who I am isn't determined by any of this, I realized. It is only the result of who I am. A daughter of the Most High King and if He is love;

Then I am loved.