Joking, of course. Spoiler alert- the quote is from the movie Young Guns and is shouted by an addle-brained cowboy who ingests Peyote on the advice of a Navajo Indian who rides in the same gang. In his attempt to enlighten these stiff-necked cowpokes via organic chemical toxins, myriad hi-jinks ensue and the result is pure comedic gold. To my addled brain, at least. Probably not what you were expecting to read about as you clicked your way here, but I am nothing if not transparent.
And I am also a sizable chicken.
I haven't posted in almost...I don't know...four months now? I got scared that I wasn't that great of a writer and that y'all were beginning to figure it out. It seemed to me that I was running out of things to write about and lost my confidence. I also experienced a moment of feeling naked and ashamed (so very Eve) at how much STUFF I had just put out there. So, like a big 'ol chicken, I just stopped showing up.
Honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for both of us. In this time, I have hopscotched my way to a new glory and am seeing through a different lens. I can't take anyone further than Jesus has taken me and friends, I had put the brakes on. I didn't want to tread where He was taking me, it was so much easier to just talk about some of the pain and trauma of my past than approach it as Jesus was asking me to do with Him. Entirely more comfortable to sit back and tell all of you how to fix this or that than to actually take a long, painful look at what I was allowing in me. What I don't want to admit is that I got really good at pretending I was fine when I wasn't. So, here I am. Wrecked. Oh no, you aren't getting the end result me. I'm at the very center of a major smack-down in my heart. This is Holy Ground, people. This messy place where we admit that things aren't working, our hearts are no longer just coping and something in our spirit is restless and about to give birth to a God-smeared you. I have co-labored with Jesus for almost a year now to deliver this. Together, we have battled the rulers of my heart named; anxiety, shame, hopelessness, worthlessness, neediness, un-forgiveness, bitterness, anger, and loneliness. Together, we have stood firm against each of their henchmen; isolation, rejection, addiction, perfectionism, apathy, idolatry, control and, suicidal thoughts to name a few. Does it mean that all of these things are magically erased from my life? No, we are still in the thick of battle, but I rest in knowing that each battle is covered by His blood.
Why share all of this? Because I believe that we all are capable of running from the places in our hearts that seem too scary to run into. I know, I spent a lot of time running from some doozies. Turns out that what is written in Ephesians 5:13-14 is complete truth; "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light" (ESV) and when I started pulling back the curtains of my heart to let the light in, I began to feel the beams of joy and peace transform the darkest of places. This isn't just a metaphor, this is the the beginning of the very journey I was created for. Discovering who God created me to be. I'm finding my voice. I'm discovering my gifts. It may even turn out that I'm not that great of a writer and I'll get thrown off the internet for poor punctuation. Okay, I really hope I don't discover that. Ack. Ugh...just keep telling me the truth in love. Deal?
What I know for certain though is that I have approached a turning point in my life where people-pleasing now feels more uncomfortable than rejection and that is a VICTORY.
Another victory? Perfectionism has begun to give way to grace, which means that I require way less in the way of perfection from those around me. That whole, "if mama ain't happy, nobody is happy" was playing out in real life and I want my people ridiculously happy. It only showed how little grace I had for myself when I went around demanding that everyone else should carry on like etiquette school valedictorians. God's love isn't based on our behavior, mine shouldn't be either. Besides, what is a band-aid of grace without a skinned knee? It just sits in the box.
God isn't interested in perfection from us, He's interested in our heart. Love Him. Love me. Love others. There is plenty of wiggle room in trying to figure out how on all three counts, believe me. Christa Black Gifford pointed out in a beautiful book called Heart Made Whole that the Bible speaks more of the heart than anything else in the entire book! A running theme of that magnitude should give us pause and start asking the simple question of; why?
I had the courage to stop and ask that question. So maybe courage is too strong of a word here. Maybe it was more of a "why won't this yucky junk stop showing up in my liiiiiiiiiiiife??", elicited in a semi-whiny tone. In tears. With snot. I had to get real about the fact that I was the common denominator of said junk and start shoveling through all of the unhealthy stuff my heart had hoarded over the years, long before I knew Jesus. I honestly didn't think He'd be so interested in all of that broken stuff, but He has been supremely kind of obsessive about going through it and so now, I am too. Means I get to spend more time with this gentle, yet fierce Savior. Means I get to hear His take on each broken piece and come away with jewels of wisdom and the anointing of healing. This has been a precious time in my life. I have realized that nobody was angrier about the pain of my past than Jesus and that He willingly died to take that pain away and rose to conquer it. He is my Defender and Mighty Protector and that's what my soul has been aching for all this time. Someone to love me right where I am and show me that I am worth protecting and saving. This big 'ol chicken has experienced some big 'ol healing.
Wherever you are in your journey, I ask you today to pray a simple prayer and ask that Jesus reveal who He is to you. He is so faithful to answer.
Stay tuned as I unpack each of the broken places and what I've learned about the behaviors that came from them. Peace, joy and love be with you.
