We've both changed tremendously since the days of backyard parties and stumbling through the awkward hurry-up and wait phase of a 90's kid in Southern California. Back then, we were always in a hurry to get to the next stage of our lives, but caught in the limbo of growing up too fast and not wanting to be grown up. Bands like Bad Religion and NOFX had us thinking we were expected to stand up against "the man", all while trying to figure out how to get three bucks to pitch in for gas to get to a party where the cops were always going to show up and someone was always going to get sick in the back seat while making a hasty getaway. There's a weird juxtaposition that happens when you live like that; you know right, you do wrong and then you get up and do it all again in the morning. The whole time, waiting to be somebody, someday. For some, the parties never ended and you can still find them with a beer can in hand every Friday or Saturday night reliving a past that forgot about them. For others, they actually did the very thing we wanted and feared the most. They grew up and made something out of themselves. Then, the ones who never even made it out alive. All I know is that I have been all three at some point in time. Somehow, this one friendship survived it all in tact though. I believe it comes from a common confusion of wanting to conform without ever really conforming. Also built upon a deep love for pasta, family and adventure.
The truth is, we both believe in mercy, friend. Looking back, we were both big-hearted saps cloaked as free-spirits who didn't care about anything but freedom. As Janis Joplin breathed out in all her rasp on your 18th birthday, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose". I think we both learned that life doesn't start when you hit 18, it really starts when buying into our own freedom leaves us bankrupt. When that thought of "when does life start for me?" played louder in our heads than any one concert that we'd ever been to. Girl, I think we both learned that this life is about so much more than we ever imagined.
Now, you ask me this question after so many years of living spiritually bankrupt, "So what made you decide to do the church thing?".
I haven't decided to do the "church thing". I knew when you asked that, exactly which church thing you were talking about. The very one that I avoided as a teenager and still avoid now. It's the one where your life must appear perfect and is basically a club of fellow legalists who forget to send the invitation to the dude who showed up last week reeking of whiskey and bad choices. Because there are other churches for "those kinds of people". I know the church you're asking about too well. No, I don't do that church thing.
Friend, I love you. I'm going to give you the most honest and raw answer I've got without sounding too churchy or Christianese.
I AM a Jesus thing.
Church is a place I serve God, worship and pray.
A couple of thousand years ago, God wanted me to know how much He loves me and wanted me to stop acting like a self-centered beast-child, so he put on some skin and came down here when He could have stayed in Heaven and just watched me self-destruct. He faced everything that tries to kill me and put it in its rightful place because He has that power. He healed the sick, blind, deaf, mute, dying, dead and demon-possessed all while knowing that a painful day was coming, leaving his ravaged body nailed on a tree. When really, it should've been me. I couldn't tell you in a million years why Jesus loves me that much, especially after all of the ridiculous stuff I have done or especially after I told Him that I didn't believe in Him anyways, but He does. It truly freaks me out in a tremendous way. Friend, I fumbled around for years looking for love like that in the wrong places, you've witnessed some of that. When I finally exhausted those options, He still wanted me. Jesus still loved me when there wasn't anything lovable left about me and showed me that He doesn't even see me the way I deserve to be seen. He sees the best in me and shows up every day to remind me of that. I've grown to love Jesus so much that it is difficult to comprehend letting Him down after all He's done for me. The beautiful and unfathomable truth is that when I do fall, we work it out and He puts me right back up on my feet, never making me feel ashamed. Nobody else loves me like that and once I accepted that love, I realized that I was created for it. There was a time before I was born when He knew me and there is a time I will return to God, joyfully. That thing I had been missing all along wasn't a "church thing". It was Jesus.
Yes, there is still the question about His church. There in lies your answer. Once my heart was set on Jesus, I wanted to know His church. Sadly, in this world, many of them posture themselves to look like one, but they don't truly love like one. If you've experienced this, I'm sorry. I know when I did, I was left feeling worse than when I went it and as lost as ever. Jesus himself knew this would happen. That's why He sent His Holy Spirit to help us. I'm sure you've heard of this, or the Holy Ghost. Some people refer to it differently. I remember conjuring up an image of some ghastly, dead Pope following me around condemning me for everything I did wrong and shaking a rosary over my damned head. Hey, that was a biblical use of that word, get off the judgment seat already! I marvel that it is nothing like that, it is the sweetest infilling of peace, love and joy that I've ever known. The pure stuff, not the counterfeit the world tries to sell you. It is the very spirit of a Savior. The thoughts of a God who is all light and love. He's nothing like I thought and I want everyone to know that, to know Him. I gather with others who feel like I do and we encourage, build up and love on each other through this life thing and do our best to show that when He lives inside of us, its not about us. We do our best to carry out what God designed us to do, but we get that we are human. God knows how hard this life is, how scary it can be and He is merciful. The church should be too. It is about bringing others into this same love and showing them the real face of God that the devil doesn't want us to know and the world will distort. Church is a corporate gathering of grace, mercy, love and repentance when it is at it's best. It becomes a place of shame, guilt and condemnation when people forget about the relationship with Jesus and take it to a place of religious legalism. Where we grew up, churches are fewer and harder to find, I remember. I'm fortunate that God took me and plopped me down right in the middle of the Bible Belt, where the soil is rich and good for sowing seeds and you see the fruits of laborers past. Churches grow here like clusters of grapes and are ripe with love. Yeah, it took me coming here to uproot the weeds of my heart, but the beauty of the vine that is reaching out towards the Son is breathtaking. I barely recognize myself anymore, I see someone I never knew I could be and it is well with my soul. So well. Know this though, whenever you seek Him, He will be there waiting for you. Wherever He has plopped you.
I've learned from reading the Bible every day that not everyone will have the same ardor for Jesus as those of us who truly belong to Him. He said some stuff that makes my head spin, wasn't always the most popular guy, but He freed people from death and sin and gave them peace. I don't believe in the same notions of the world that I once believed in. I don't compromise God's word for a dead world, because my heart is purposed for Him. Not because I am afraid of His wrath or scared to believe in anything else; I have a relationship with my God and if you've ever had a relationship, you know that it isn't one sided. He doesn't dictate rules and commandments to me to rule His Almighty power over me. He gives me statutes so that I can love others effectively. The burden, pressure and stress of controlling my own life lessens as I surrender to God, who created everything out of nothing. Why wouldn't I want the God who fashioned things like Saturn and ladybugs, belly laughs and chocolate chip cookie dough to take the reigns for me? Obviously, He's got it going on far better than I could even attempt. What gets people tripped up though is that their expectations of people get so high and their knowledge of who God really is and what Jesus really means gets too low. It is easy to do, people are right here in front of our faces, jacking up our own little kingdoms every day and demanding things from us that we don't want to give. If the only example we ever give ourselves is what the world sells us on, life or death and all eternity become relative. Where's the purpose? Isn't that the question we all want to know? I will give you a hint, it isn't in being happy and having all of the things we want or even in our spouses, children or jobs. Remember the last time someone said something kind to you and life suddenly didn't feel so hard? Remember how good it felt when you found out you could make your child laugh? Purpose is hidden in those moments, friend. To this day, you still have one of the most joyful laughs and smiles I have ever witnessed. Thank you for asking this question. I hope I answered it in a way that brings that smile to the surface.
It's an inevitable question these days as I now wear my cross as proudly as some remember me wearing band t-shirts, torn up jeans and Doc Martens. I knew the question would come though and I'm glad. If nothing else, it means that I made it out alive. Just in the most unexpected way; set apart.
P.S.-My friend, there is this dude named Peter in the Bible who is totally awesome. He gets all bent out of shape and says crazy stuff, screws up and then feels really bad. Jesus had to have asked at least once, "Is this guy Sicilian?". Turns out, he was the one Jesus trusted most to build His church.
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as the Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15
No comments:
Post a Comment