Monday, October 13, 2014

Slaying Dragons With Love

Memories haunt us, they are the real ghosts of the past. Why fear haints and phantoms when memories can hurt you more than any specter? The echoes of things we can never go back to, the flashes of times we want to forget. One of my most painful memories to date is a small one, yet it can steal my breath and whisper words of defeat into my heart. Me, 10 years old, chubby, scabby-kneed and strong-willed, sitting on the curb and completely determined that my Dad was going to love me enough this time to pick me up like he'd promised to. If he comes this time he DOES love me. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours. My Mom, pacing anxiously in the living room; every so often I would see her peeking out at me with that look on her face. The look that knew he wasn't coming and that she'd suffer because of it. The look that knew I was going to take it all out on her because my 10 year old mind didn't know how to direct anger, rejection and humiliation. She was always the one who took the brunt of it, never him. Never the one who deserved it. The fear of doing anything that would keep him from coming back at all was too great and when you go begging for any little scrap of love, any little leftover thing, you try to be just right and just lovable enough. Don't be bad, don't say anything that will make him go away again. I didn't care if I hurt her, deep in my heart I knew she would cry about it; shedding tears of defeat herself. He defeated both of us, left her alone and broken to raise a little girl who would break a million times over in the wake. Everyone I love leaves me. We were in it together, my mom and I. I hated her for it. He isn't coming because of her. I blamed her because I didn't know any better. Sometimes, she hated me too and she would tell me so. She doesn't love me either, I'm NOT lovable. That night in particular, this memory in particular, reveals something I hadn't considered in all of my adult years. My mama loved me just like Jesus asks us to love one another. When it was not easy. Even through the ugly words and emotions, she loved me. When I wanted to hide away with my wounds of shame and anger, she loved me. I'm so ugly. NOBODY wants me. She loved me when I was unlovable and even in all of her broken ways, she wore my pain, she took my lashes of misdirected hurt. Let me love like she did. Let me love like Jesus does.

I spoke of wounds in my previous post, but very superficially. I've yet to see any uglier wounds than those children inflict upon themselves when the most important man in their life on Earth tosses them aside with little regard. The worst part about them? They fester. They grow. They destroy. They have the ability to infect. Show me a fatherless child and I will show you exactly where the wound is. It is a huge gaping hole in the marrow of their being. It burns and sizzles at the sound of father/daughter dances or Donuts for Dads. I will be sick that day. It throbs with pain at the sight of Father's Day cards or an empty mailbox on their birthday. He forgot again. It splits wide open during the times they need a strong shoulder to cry on and the reassurance that they are beautiful and loved. Even God forgot about me, I'm so alone. Over time they learn to exist with the pain, but they don't really live. My daughter is now one of those kids. Yes, you read that right. And the legacy of pain stops now. The devil, that delirious dragon, has lost his stronghold in my family tree.  

Yesterday, my beautiful and so vulnerable 15 year old posted something on Facebook that made my heart stop. 15 Things All Dads Of Daughters Should Know. Before clicking the link, I took a deep breath and said a small prayer. What I read re-opened a wound, but this cut so much deeper because I never wanted to infect my daughter with this. Father, forgive me. How do I heal her, this most precious gift I have ever received in the form of a girl? What do I do?  Let me love you like Jesus does, my sweet girl. Allow me to share with you what your Heavenly Father wants you to know, what He promises you. Let's heal together, baby girl. You and me. 

You Are Always Loved

Even when you don't love yourself, the choices you've made, the mistakes you've made or the ways you feel about certain people, God loves you right now. In the middle of any mess you might make, He loves you right where you are. Flat on your face. Hiding in shame. Broken by the world. He LOVES you when you can't find love for anything or anyone else. No. Matter. What. Turn to God, keep your eyes locked with our Savior Jesus' and you'll feel it. There's not a man walking the planet that can love you like this, poets and writers, movies and songs; they will never touch this kind of love. Don't try to replace it, embrace it. 

You Will Always Have The People You Need

Every person in your life is there for a reason. Whether it is to grow you, stretch you, test you, knock you down, lift you up or all things in between, God is Sovereign. There are no coincidences, Every moment of your life is already written in His book of your life. Listen when it doesn't feel right, don't ignore discomfort in the presence of anyone, it is His way of growing you strong enough to turn away from those the devil will use to hurt you and shake your faith. He will bring you the help, guidance, support and encouragement you so desperately want in many forms, in many different people. Trust Him. 

Listen To The Songs He Sings Over You

The music you connect with, it has a lot to do with the things you're dealing with and can be a very healthy outlet. Sometimes it can keep you stuck on a moment or in a feeling that God wants you to let go of. No matter what, give yourself the gift of listening to a song that sings of His love for you. I don't care if it isn't the "cool" thing to do, I don't care if you would rather be a wallflower at your own pity party, find a song or a hymn that will reconnect you to Him and play it loud. On repeat. And if appropriate, sing it out loud. Raise your arms to him and listen. God will always meet you in worship, He will always lift you from the darkness of a memory if you'll just listen to the songs He sings over you. Just find a way, and if you can't; make one.

Observe How He Treats Your Mom

Our Heavenly father is the provider of all of our needs; this is especially important to understand in a world that is bent on twisting your morals and values and will sell you out on hollow promises. Especially important if you're from a broken home and your earthly father isn't in the picture to set the standard of how a woman should be treated and valued. Your value, in God's eyes, is beyond measure. Sometimes it will be difficult to feel love, to feel worthy of love or that God has any love for you. I'm here to tell you; He ALWAYS loves you. More than I and that's hard. Don't spend too much time trying on who you are sweet girl. Find your identity as a child of a Sovereign God; as chosen and worthy by our Savior. Too many people will try to bend you too their ideals, learn who you are in God's promises and if you find that you can't believe in that; remember what God has done in me. Think about how powerfully Christ transformed my life and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the same overflowing love and joy is always available to you. See how He loves and values me and let Him do the same to you.

You Can Always Come Home

I won't even pretend to know what God has in store for you, but I will be so bold as to say this, He is going to use you in great and mighty ways. Your strengths and gifts, which are uniquely yours, will be a blessing to all who encounter you. This will make you a target, sometimes people will want to throw a shadow over that radiant light and you will face storms but do not lose heart. Even if you lose your way momentarily, look for light in even the smallest of ways. Equip yourself with scripture, put on the full Armor of God and be prepared to fight negativity, small minds and ulterior motives. Jesus is always a breath away, just say His Holy name and let Him guide you back home. He won't let you get too far, simply because I will ALWAYS cover you with prayer, its the strongest weapon I've ever encountered and don't think I will ever leave you wide open in this world. Not for a second.

Exercise Your Faith Muscles

Some days, you will feel really worn down and spread thin by this world. I've found that the more tired/hungry/hormonal I am, the worse everything feels. As a woman, we are emotional beings and our hormones can wreak some real havoc on our thoughts, bodies and even our prayer/worship time. Take care of your body, exercise it and nourish it and your mind won't seem so weak. If you truly can't find the energy or motivation, pray. God can really show his Grace and Mercy during these times and He loves when you come to Him in prayer asking for strength. Sometimes, its all I can do to whisper, "Jesus, I need you", but He has never let me down. He won't let you down either. Rest when you feel overwhelmed and hand your worries to Jesus, He will carry them for you when you feel your knees starting to buckle, our Savior is the ultimate gentleman and your faith will grown substantially when you learn this. Learn to take care of yourself and give the Glory to God that you have all you need to do so!

Count Your Blessings, Daily

Keep a journal, or simple reminders of the ways God has blessed you so far. Take time every day to look at the ways He has carried your through or delivered you untouched from a storm. Think of the small victories in your daily life and give the credit where it is due! This will keep you in touch with how much Jesus loves you, how our Father goes before you to give you tokens of His unconditional love. This will serve as a helpful tool during the times when you can't find a good thing to say or think. Don't believe in coincidences, believe that God always connects the dots and when those dots lead His precious daughter to a blessing, all of Heaven rejoices.

Humble Your Heart

As a beautiful, intelligent and gifted young woman, you will encounter rivalry and contention. You will seem like a threat to the insecure. Don't ever use these gifts to make anyone else feel poorly about themselves. Learn to let your beauty shine from the inside, humble your heart before God and thank Him for who you are. Never boast that you have anything better to offer than anyone else and don't ever turn your back on anyone because of how they look or because they act differently than what the world considers "normal". Jesus came to heal the sick, the sinners. It is not our responsibility to shame anyone, we are called to be a reflection of Him, don't mistake that as being anything other than a servant. And always serve with love. Please, don't ever believe that you are owed anything by anyone, rather believe in the loving Savior of Jesus Christ who secured our place in God's Kingdom. This world isn't going to spin off it's axis because of you, but you will rock the world because of Christ in you.

He's Always There

Live your life like Jesus is always in the room with you. Because He is. No matter what kind of performance you put on, there is always God; audience of one. Bring Him the applause.


The Greatest of These, Is Love

You can't do anything to escape it. You cannot find a human being who will show it to you the way your Father will. You'll try. You will look at someone someday and think, "it can't get any better than this". It does. God wants you to know His love, your Father wants to show you just how much love you deserve and He is jealous, He is all consuming and He wants to come first in your heart. Trust in Him, my girl. Trust that His love is the greatest thing you will ever experience and nothing can or ever will get any better than it. Listen for His voice, let Him sing over you, let Him be your shelter. I won't always be here, but I promise you this; He will. Read your Bible. You won't find any lists or bulleted articles about how to live, but you will find everything you thought you were missing. You'll discover the Truth. The Way. The Life.

I love you, Maddy Cakes.


Love Never Ends










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