I've been staring at this keyboard for what seems like an eternity. Ceiling fan whirring above me, rhythmically keeping time with my breathing. It could lull me to sleep easily, but I am wide awake and wired with conviction. I've tried to get around writing this. I've avoided this post for many reasons, but mostly because while I knew how to start it, I did not know how to finish it.
God revealed the ending to me this very morning. Funny how He does that.
This post is going to hurt. Why? Because I'm going to reveal some things about myself that I do not entirely like. You might find yourself relating or recoiling in disbelief, but either way I ask that you continue on with this simple request; please pray for me. I've been chasing shadows for far too long.
Only the light can hold evidence of the darkness we've been in. Only the blinding, eye-squinting brightness of truth can reveal to us the depth of the caves we hide things in. And let's be honest, sometimes those caves become cozy and we start talking to the shadows and embracing the echoes as truths, even though an echo is only a reminder of something that was said in the past. We mistake them for real voices when we are in those lonely places, don't we? In our most vulnerable state, we let shadows and echoes tell us lies and we accept them for no other reason than this; loneliness is an illusion. More truth? An illusion can only exist if you accept it as your reality. Too many of us have been accepting illusions as realities and inflicting pain on ourselves that God never intended. While this post is mostly female-centric, I encourage any of my male readers to pay attention. You might find yourselves convicted as well.
I hear an echo every day. Every time I look in the mirror, it is audible. An illusion that has become a reality; I'm not tall, short, skinny, curvy, tan, pale, blonde, brunette, perky, giggly, happy, coy, toned, bouncy, glossed, natural, straight, curly, freckled, unblemished, unwrinkled, smart, funny, nerdy, hip, sexy, pure, rich, nurturing, sassy, sweet....you fill in the blank _______ enough. Every day, the thought that I am not enough, robs me. It leaves me bankrupt of self-acceptance and bereft of self-love. This is tough to admit. I've written about not ever wanting to have it all together, but I admit right here, right now that I would feel a whole bunch better about myself if y'all at least thought I did. Pride is an echo that sing-songs failure and a shadow that thumbs it's nose at me in jest. Why?
As a child, I was made fun of for having unkempt hair, a big nose, shabby clothing, crooked teeth, big lips... the list goes on. I was told I was a burden, I was called ugly. Those are the voices that created the echoes. Voices of people I loved, some from people I didn't even know. Those words died in the air many years ago. So, why am I still hearing them? Surely, I had people close by who told me that I was pretty? That I was intelligent? But why do those condemning voices get so much air time in my mind? Why is it when I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, I find very little that I like about myself and set out to alter just about everything that I can? Why at 38 years old, do I sit in my shower and cry sometimes because I cannot find anything about myself that I find acceptable? Better question:
What kind of shadow did I make friends with?
Even better question:
Who benefits from me thinking that everything about myself is wrong?
A quick stroll through the Garden of Eden answers that question. Who has been making women question their value since the beginning of time? A serpent.
Frankly, y'all, I'm tired.
I'm tired of the tricks and schemes that make us question our value. I am genuinely fed up and exhausted by the comparison trap. Any guesses as to who is responsible for that one too? My heart hurts when I see women sizing each other up and the look of defeat or triumph that follows. When did we get into competition with one another and what on Earth are we competing for?!?! Best eyebrows? Most likely to tan evenly? Best snakeskin sandals? Best cameo in a camisole? We have to stop consuming this venom and spitting it at one another and take up our daily bread and let it nourish us from the inside out. How empowered could women be if we actually shed that snakeskin for lamb's skin? How empowered could we be if we actually congratulated one another for our Christian witness? For being the hands and feet of Christ. The only prize worth striving towards is the upward call of Christ Jesus and yet we rarely compliment one another on the accessory of the glorious Holy Spirit in our lives. Guilty? I am.
This sin of vanity is fueled by a great deceiver. One who knows how powerful the faith and love of a woman is. You cannot shake that woman. You cannot out love or out give a woman who has her heart on fire for Jesus and when her focus is on that cross, there is not a devil in hell that could stop her from what God has called her to. But he will try to distract her, make her take the long way getting there or convince her that maybe she's not the woman for the job. Expect this, but do not be deceived by it. Do. Not. Be. Shaken. I'm preaching to myself too, y'all. Focus on the sounds of God's loving voice and let the echoes fall away or get lost in the sound of your praise being lifted up to Heaven.
Ladies. Fellas. There are billion dollar industries cashing in on and even creating our echoes and shadows, yet children, thousands of children are dying every single day due to starvation and lack of medical care. I'm buying eyeliner and obsessing over frizzy hair and some poor baby out there doesn't have a single bite of food in her belly. We are obsessing about cellulite, squatting and lunging for hours on end and there are people who haven't heard the Good News of the Gospel. I will be the first to wave my hypocrite flag. I will be the first to admit that my sin of vanity isn't all that innocent when I stop and take a hard look at the world around me. It absolutely is not a pretty world, but I don't have to let it convince me that I am ugly. In fact, when I gave my heart to Christ, my beautiful Savior, God said that I would bear a strong family resemblance to Him (Ephesians 4:24). Did Jesus have frizzy hair?
So what now?
Get out of the cave. Leave the shadows and echoes behind and find light and your own voice.
The echoes need to go. I need to smile with reckless abandon to display the joy Christ has in put in my heart, rather than hide my smile because I never had braces. It will probably take some time, but with my God watching over me, encouraging me and telling me that my heart is beautiful and my joy is pure, I can grow and blossom into a woman who avoids comparison traps instead of stepping right in them. I may not wake up tomorrow and ditch the flat iron just yet, but my heart is changing and Jesus is renewing my mind daily. I have full faith that He will heal me. That I won't always look at myself and feel the need to pick apart my flaws. I will believe that God has given me all I need to glorify Him in this world and I choose to be a voice that will partner with others do accomplish this. Satan may be equipped with an airbrush, but I have a sword of truth and enough faith to make me a threat to the shadows and echoes.
Why?
Because eight years ago, my amazing Father in heaven shared a vision with me. In that vision of the injured and flightless dove that represented me, He promised that He would heal me. I was tenderly reminded of His promise recently when I found a dove trapped in a chicken pen. A flutter of frantic wings caught in the corner of my eye and I recognized the frenzy from my dream. As I paused and watched the dove try to escape to no avail, I called to my husband for help. I was rooted in place as I watched him catch the panicked bird in his hands. As he brought it to me, I heard the reminder "trust in Me". I held the fragile bird in my hands, close to my heart and felt its own beating a storm into its chest. I spoke gently to it as I marveled at the sight of it in my hands. My son asked me how I knew to calm it down and all I could reply is that sometimes you just have to be calm in order to soothe another. Once the dove was calm, I looked it in the eye and told it to fly. Lifting my hands towards the sky, I set it free. Then, this morning in our closing prayer at church, my pastor asked, "Do you want to be stuck in a cage with the chickens or fly like an Eagle?". God's word never returns to Him empty. I will be healed.
And I will fly.
"Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily, your righteousness shall go before you: the Glory of the Lord your rear guard. Then you shall call and the Lord will answer, you shall cry and He will say, 'Here I am'. If you take the yoke from your midst the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Isaiah 58:8-11
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