Blessed Birkenstocks

"If I could hear Christ praying for me, I would not fear a million enemies." Robert Murray M'Cheyne.

Reading that quote put my already overactive imagination into overdrive. I have no idea who the dude is that said it and I imagine before I reach the last sentence of this post, I will have conducted a google search to scratch that itchy question, but in my imagination he was a commander of troops surveying a battleground, preparing his men for a battle against an army three times their size. Gazing over his men, uttering prayers and crossing the Holy Trinity over his chain mail. Or perhaps it was just one man, a man of conviction who was being persecuted for his love of Christ and was facing death at the hands of a firing squad. Think about it for just a moment and no cheating! No Google, no Wikipedia, just use your noodle and imagine why anyone would have need to say such a thing. Maybe, he is just your average believer who actually wants to know His Savior more intimately. I don't know. What I do know is that we live in a cushy, air-conditioned, wifi having world where the biggest known enemies we face on a daily basis are not enough bars on our phones or someone using the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Why would this guy be worried about any enemies? What was he facing? Did he tick someone off whilst waxing the poetic? Seems like he isn't like most of us, floating along in a sea of first world problems, filled with the thoughts of how to add to our comfort, ways we can make our lives easier, shortcuts to saving a few dollars, what we will wear to church, how to fluff our nests. What we forget that old dude up there was aware of is that we are in a war. Don't for one, hot second think that your nest isn't positioned right smack in the middle of a battleground. There is a predator prowling about who wants to wipe out the fluffiest nest of all, the Kingdom of God. (1 Peter 5:8)

I've heard it said that the greatest trick satan attempts is to convince us that he doesn't exist. Now ask yourself why he'd want to convince us of this? To undermine Christianity? To allow our minds to believe that God is a vengeful and wrathful entity that seeks to punish us? How many times have you heard someone claim that they can't do "Christianity" because they can't believe in a God who would allow children to die of cancers or babies to perish in wars? Personally, I have heard multiple variations of reasons and had even adopted one myself: Why would God let this happen to me? If you've read my previous posts, you'll remember that my relationship with Jesus wasn't forged by a life spent in church on Sundays. I spent a large amount of time believing in whatever I thought could get me through the situations I faced. At one point, I laughed in someone's face when they told me that God loves me no matter what. Here's a little nugget for you; if you don't understand true, grace- filled unconditional love you can't understand the vacuum of darkness satan is hoping you slip up and fall into either. When Darth Vader said, "Come to the dark side" he didn't know that his version is fields of poppies and butterflies compared to what is really lurking around out in the world. One of the most iconic pop-culture bad guys of all time couldn't even grasp what the real "dark side" is on his evilest of days, Darth in all of his heavy-breathing glory couldn't muster the kinds of Jedi mind tricks satan puts on us.

Ever notice a theme with all of the popular pop culture, cult classic movies? Trilogies, 7 book series, Prequels, sequels and everything in between. They tend to lean towards the battle of good versus evil, with a heavy emphasis on underdogs and unlikely heroes winning in the end. Kind of reminds me of.....The Holy Bible. What a bunch of ragtag dudes Jesus hung out with! The adventures and trials, the constant struggle between good and evil. Now don't get me wrong, there are some moments when you have to kind of "skim" through the who begat who and it is all relevant (trust me on this), but when you just look at the entirety of it, God wrote the greatest series of all time and it NEVER changes. JUST. LIKE. HIM. No new director is going to step in and recast our favorite characters or edit the dialogue. No corporate branding, no cameo appearances (welllll, Moses and Elijah do make an appearance in the New Testament that dropped my jaw). Disney isn't going to buy the rights to the The Holy Bible and turn it into a musical anytime soon is what I'm getting at. It is the one, perfect and untouchable thing in this world. The only truth. In that truth lies the struggle of the flesh, the reason why we must be aware of exactly what the enemy counts on us to forget. The Bible never says that we will not face trials, that we won't suffer loss and be witness to unspeakable or unexplainable events. In fact, God encourages our steadfastness during these times; that we remain in faith.  He will deliver us from the pain and mourning, the shame, guilt and suffocating grief that satan and our human emotions will hold us captive in. Jesus, God in the flesh, walked this Earth with us so that we may know what mercy and grace look and feel like, so that we we would understand what love truly looks like. Now, the reason I won't linger too long on the dark side; I read the last page in the Bible. I know who wins. Doesn't make me sit back and enjoy my popcorn and snuggie though. In fact it inspires me to get prepared, knowing that I am right in the middle of it. I know of one enemy, but he puts his poison in the Kool Aid of millions. He knows your flavor of sin. But you, adored child of the King, do not have to drink it. Put it down, walk away and go find that stream of Living Water and let your thirst be quenched with goodness and mercy.

Easier said than done, isn't it? That's the trick of it all, that's when you know you're facing something clever. Religion will tell you that it is all hard work to follow Christ. Relationship with Christ squashes tht lie and tells you it is not only easy, but entirely worth it. I'm going to give you a few examples, in case you were lulled to sleep in the middle of a fight. That book I mentioned up there? Take it out and turn to the book of Ephesians. Paul (formerly church burning, Christian persecuting Saul) wrote this to the churches surrounding Ephesus to explain the scope of God's eternal plan for all humanity. Now if you'll join me in chapter 6, verse 10, I would like to discuss The Whole Armor of God. You'll want to get your highlighter ready...

Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV)

     "Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places, Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all to stand firm. Thereforehaving fastened on the belt of truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one and the the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God..."

So, what does it mean to be strong in the Lord? It means to let Him be your strength. Often, for me it means to just be still and call upon Him. He will fight for us, He will rally up angels on high to surround us and send just the right people at the right time to support us. This isn't hard stuff, but we can be tricked into thinking so. What we do have to trust, is that God's timing is perfect and when we are waiting on that support is when we need to lean into Jesus the hardest. Don't call everyone you know looking for an answer, take it to God in prayer and let Jesus intercede on your behalf and wait patiently for who and what He sends to you. (This does not apply to situations when lives are at stake, please use your noodle for those, He gave it to you for a reason). Disclaimers aside, His might is so much...mightier than our own. How thankful I am for a Savior who has unending supplies of what I don't!

Now lets talk about schemes. Webster says a scheme is "a large scale systematic plan or arrangement for attaining some particular object or putting a particular idea into effect." Lets not mince words here. The devil is NEVER concerned about our well being and ONLY trying to kill, rob or destroy us of all good things (John 10:10) Why? Because all good things are from God (Psalm 127, paraphrased). The enemy of our souls has a systematic plan to attain our soul and then use us to put his ideas into effect. Essentially, poisoning the Kool-Aid, convincing everyone we know to drink it and then we all die. Scheme, decoded. Always good to know your enemy.

Think about this. When I got dressed this morning, did I fasten on the belt of truth? What is the truth? Does it match my shoes? Sorry, I had to. Really important though is that I chose to put it on. That it is not something I made, it isn't anything I bought at American Eagle. It is of God and I choose to wear it. God doesn't dress me in it like a toddler, or force me to wear it if I don't want to (very unlike a dress I had to wear to an 8th grade winter dance that I'm still not over). Bottom line, when I dressed this morning, I fastened myself with this truth: In Him, I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. And I believe in Him and therefore, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13). SEALED. Can't. Touch. This.

When Hammer Time has concluded, we shall move on. "Makes me say Oh my Lord...". Sometimes I wonder if I should be allowed to do this at all, but clearly God has a sense of humor that is witnessed through daughters like myself who plainly don't give a patootie if I'm everyone's flavor or not. Moving on...

Righteousness. Such a throwback word for an 80's-90's hybrid SoCal girl like myself. I think we wore something similar to peace on our feet back in the day too, also known as Birkenstocks. Serious time now; Why do you think Paul felt led to break down these pieces of armor? In the time Paul wrote the letter to the church at Ephesus, he knew that he would have to demonstrate to them how important it was that their minds stay tuned in for battle against an unseen enemy and battle armor illustrated that point precisely. Ephesus was well known for its easy-breezy, idol worshipping lifestyle during that time and with one of the Eight Wonders of the Ancient World thriving in 60 a.d., also known as the temple of Artemis, Paul's letter to the Ephesians is often regarded as one of the least personal and one of the more "hit 'em where it counts" books written in the New Testament. He wasn't playing around. They were in a battle. So are we. Grab your sword, send a prayer up to Jesus and let's go.

Before I end one of my longest posts yet, I want to leave you with this thought. In the second sentence of the scripture mentioned above, we are told to put on the full armor of God so we may stand against the devil. Stand. Not sit, cower, run from, hide from, or lay down in front of. Stand. When you are at a place in your walk, or you just now decided to walk with Christ and you feel that scheme working on your mind, attacking your thoughts; stand. Stand on God's promises and let the enemy panic. You have something that cannot be taken from you. Salvation. Victory. Jesus said, "Surely, I am coming soon" (Revelations 22:20 paraphrased). So I say, stand. He always keeps His promises.

Father to know that your Son is praying on my behalf, strikes all fear from my heart. Let me stand with Jesus Christ, the cornerstone of my faith. I praise your Holy name!

With This Cheese...

My world is turned upside down right now. In more ways than one.

First, I have vertigo. Real live, feels-like-the-Earth-is-moving-under-my-feet, vertigo.

Second, I am now a married woman. Real live, with-this-ring-I-do-wed, married.

The second came before the first, but they equally have my head spinning. Vertigo has an odd way of making you very no-nonsense, allowing only the most relevant of thoughts to pass through your off-kilter noggin. Multi-tasking becomes near impossible as the very real effort of staying upright wins out over even considering walking and talking at the same time. I now understand how Paul, having arrived shipwrecked in Malta after being tossed about on the highs seas, was able to shake a viper off into a fire with such casual regard. He didn't have the capacity to think about it or time to worry about such nuisances as venom or possible death, he was trying to keep from going tail over teakettle. The natives were standing around waiting for Paul to swell up and keel over and when that didn't happen they deemed him a god. Paul wasn't a god though, He just knew the One and True extremely well (Acts 27 & 28). Besides, nobody has time for snakes when they are focused on putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get to their destiny. There is a sermon in that last sentence somewhere, I will have to revisit it when I have less sideways momentum. Where I was going with all this was straight to God. I know He is in this somewhere. The "I'm newly married and disoriented" thing seems just TOO obvious and I am trying to discern how my first few days as a dizzy Mrs. play out, Kingdom style. I have faith that there is a reason.

This is my second marriage. In fact, the first perished in an enormously destructive fire in 2008. It wasn't fireproofed nor insured and the damage was counted as "totaled" when the final papers were signed. Now, seven years later, God is returning to me all that was lost and then way more. The Almighty had His own insurance on my life and even though I wasn't aware of the coverage back then, I have a pretty good idea now that this term comes with all sorts of "perks". In my mind I see a variety of clever ads and slogans, with larger than life hands and jingles, "Nobody Saves Like Almighty". Yeah, that's how my brain works, just ask my friends who endured the Gospel Grow fertilizer poster I made back in November. "Saturate your life with the Gospel and watch it grow!" all patterned in Miracle Grow fashion. Cheesy, yes. Truth, even yesser.  Thankful that my hubby is as cheesy, or perhaps even cheesier than I am. Yes, that's a lot of cheddar. No, I am not going to keep writing about cheese.

 Being dizzy, I may not make a lot of sense, but I will make a few points. Maybe. Here is one, I think; The first time I ever heard God speak to me without a doubt was during the fire of '08. In an exhausted lump of tears and pain, I decided to nap one afternoon in a desperate attempt to turn off the noise in my head. God had another plan. How about a prophetic dream for the girl who won't believe? A dream that only He could ordain. One where I came across a dove with a broken wing, floundering on the floor of a dirt-floored abode in a place I've never been. I watched as the dove flailed around, trying to reach the open square in the wall to the outside, to no avail. I couldn't move in my dream. All I could do is stand there and watch as the dove hurt itself even further in a frenzied attempt at freedom. I couldn't speak, but tears rolled down my face as I watched this beautiful creature try time after time to escape and take to the air. In that moment, His voice. That is what you look like right now. Let me heal you. I WILL heal you. A tender vision, an unforgettable promise. It took me years to take him up on it though. Too broken and afraid to believe anything so good for myself. I used to regret those years, silently berating myself for being so foolish. Tallying the damage I'd caused during that time, thinking pridefully that I did things that were un-doable. But, Mercy. Oh, sweet Mercy. He won't even hear of that kind of talk. When I start to head down memory lane with a basket to pick regrets along the way, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper my name, beckoning me back towards love. I see my Refiner in that blazing fire now, He was standing in it with me all along. Never will I forsake you, my daughter. 

So, here I am. In a brand new life, with a brand new last name. With a brand new, Kingdom appointed family. Did getting married miraculously change my life? Was it the answer to my prayers? Am I living a fairy-tale princess, real-life happy ending? Not necessarily. All of it brought me closer to God, because now more than ever, I need Him. I need Him so I can be who my family needs me to be; a loving, kind, gentle, patient, merciful, nurturing and selfless wife and mother. On any given day, I do not wake up as most or any of those things. I am a slow starting, coffee guzzlin', don't-speak-until-I'm-caffeinated, wild-haired heathen. I pray before my feet hit the floor, mostly to spare the other people who might encounter 6 a.m. me, then I praise God for the transformative powers of Christ sometime around 8 a.m.. You see, there is nothing about our flesh that is naturally as loving as our Savior and THAT my friends, is why marriage is making me holier, day by day. I'm my best when I get out of the way and let Christ complete me. I'm my best when I am pressing on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of Jesus Christ (Phillipians 3:14), because it is He who changed my life. It is He who spoke a very gentle truth into places where lies once screamed.  My Prince of Peace gets the credit for my dream come true. A life surrendered to God's will. He kept His promise.

My fairy-tale ending happened on a cross at Calvary some 2,000 years ago.  Who needs any other?



*****I started this blog post almost 3 weeks ago, but was unable to finish it. Since then the vertigo is gone and I'm steadier than I have ever been. Why? Because I'm standing on God's word. You should try it if you're feeling unsteady.***** 

Number One Fan

This isn't what I am supposed to be doing right now. Not by the standards of worldly order, anyhow.

There is a simple thought creating a consuming fire in me though. A thought that is about to gnaw it's way out of me if I don't turn loose of it.

You know those "God" moments when there is nothing coincidental happening and you keep getting the same message over and over and over and over again until you absolutely cannot ignore it? Yeah, so do I. They are mysterious and beautiful, yet sometimes you know that your heart is about to get a fine tuning of divine proportions when that knock keeps coming. Mine came today. What a glorious ache it caused, too.

The Holy Spirit kept leading me to scriptures about the death and resurrection of Christ. I kept chalking it up to it being Lent, Holy Week, etc. I should have known that I was supposed to go deeper. Finally, I did.  As I sat and soaked in the images of a dying God-man, my heart filled with love. Then anguish. Then despair. In my despair I was yelling at the cowardly disciples. Unable to understand how anyone could just walk away from that scene and not have their hearts ripped from their cages. Then I remembered that not everyone walked away.

Mary Magdalene. Mary, the mother of Jesus. The women. John. The ones who followed Him where ever His blessed feet led. Then the moment of epiphany; I would've been a Jesus groupie too. I would've followed Him anywhere. Everywhere. Can't follow Him into the temple? Okay, I will wait outside and swoon at the first glimpse of His face. Not supposed to be in here washing His feet with my hair? Call security. Don't like it when I let someone else do the work while I sit at His feet and lose myself in the sound of His voice? My bad. Have your people contact my people. Yeah, I'm trying to peek in the tomb, I just want to see Him one more time. No, I don't need medication.

You see where I am going with this? You cannot encounter the person of Jesus Christ and ever be the same. It kind of blows my mind that He didn't have a Beatles-like entourage following Him everywhere He went. No, instead Jesus had Pilate the Bounty Hunter putting a price on His head. Because of me. And you. Because of two people who engaged in conversation with a snake (who does that anyways??) and ate some bad fruit.

Unfortunately, that snake is still slitherin' about with a fang-faced vengeance. However, in my most humble opinion, the "fall" wasn't the most pivotal plot twist in the Holy Bible. The "rise" was. An empty tomb spoke louder than that snake could ever dare. The emptiness of a grave is what makes my life full. This thought is the one that haunts me though...

Why do I hesitate to follow Christ where ever He leads me in the now? Why do I feel like I would follow Him in the "then"? He has shown me through bloody tears, pierced hands and a pale, lifeless body that He loves me. What more do I want? Do I ask my Savior to prove it to me further and with such little regard to what He has already done for me? Father, forgive me. Do I continue to weigh the "gifts" God has trusted me with against their fruits? Father, forgive me. I'm being soul-bearing honest here and I hope you are too. I don't want to follow Christ because of what might be in it for me. I want to follow Christ because with Him, I am free to be me. The best version of me. Would Mary Magdalene have any reservations following Jesus now? Something tells me, no. To her, there was no alternative. She knew where He delivered her from and there was NO going back. Sister, I'm with you! Impart that devoted spirit to me, convict my heart towards love, truth, life and help me to shake that snake off into the fire! My talents cannot be buried and I'm no slave to an unkind master, I am free and love is my master. I just want to know Him. To be a part of His inner circle and recline at the table. Just a little longer...

So yeah, a simple thought has my heart on fire for my Savior in a new way. I can sit and ponder His pale, tortured, bloodless body or I can claim the blood that poured out for me and rejoice in His risen body. From the grave He rose, from the throne He reigns and from now until forever, He lives. As I let go of the ways that I've learned to protect myself and trust in Jesus, I am finding a sense of completeness. A sense of purpose. A sense of what living is all about. Others. Not me. Not my happiness. My happiness comes in feeling the Holy Spirit of my Savior thriving in my being and being able to recognize that the gifts He gave me, they are a part of Him. The very character of Jesus is alive in the gifts He so earnestly gave me. They won't be buried. They won't be put into a file for a later date. These gifts are given so we can literally love the hell out of our neighbors. Just like He did for us.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not really a fan. I'm a follower.


"Love one another as I have loved you."

Chocolate Covered Repentance

When words come out of our mouths, they take on a life of their own. Funny how a combination of letters and sounds, consonants and vowels can hold so much power. They can be twisted, manipulated and emphasized to either do harm or good. Too often I find myself marveling at how my sarcasm doesn't translate so well via text message. Or how a comment made from the best parts of my heart could carry a barb that stings the ears it falls on. Intentional or not, I find these moments to be among the most uncomfortable and I will mourn the inflicted until my heart bursts. Why am I so sensitive about this? Because I know who I am. I know the strongest gift God blessed me with. Mercy. And I am an encourager. It is my weapon of choice against that delusional dragon. Jesus did say that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks"(Matthew 12:34). If my heart is overflowing with love, grace and mercy, so will my lips to encourage. Why?

The word encourage has a secret. 

It has courage in it. Literally. 

Courage is what knights mustered up to save damsels in distress. Courage is what John Wayne described as "being scared to death, but saddling up anyways". Courage is the very strength Jesus bore that cross on His battered flesh with. Because He had faith that God knew the best and only way to save our bleak souls from the death we brought upon ourselves named "sin". 

When Jesus rolled a stone away from a borrowed tomb, He filled us with the courage to look evil in the eye and say, "where's your sting?". Have you read the High Priestly Prayer lately? Hours before Jesus died, He petitioned God to keep believers safe from the evil one. As Jesus faced death, He interceded to our Heavenly Father to protect us from sin AND that the very love God has for Him be in us. 

Yet, we barely have the courage to give up chocolate for 40 days. If that stung, I apologize.  I encourage you to go a little deeper and understand that Lent isn't about finding some trivial thing to "sacrifice" so you can joke about it with your friends. Lent is a season of reflection on our weakness and dependence on the Almighty God. It is a way to fast from our insecurities and feast on Grace. Engorge ourselves with truth and the ability to bravely call upon our Abba Father to forgive our ever wicked flesh. Think your flesh isn't wicked? Repent of pride then and swallow it down. Follow it up with a huge gulp love He will pour down for doing so. 

Lent has me studying love. Repentance. Resurrection. Not because I want to know about Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to know that when I open my mouth, I am saying what He is saying. Let me have the courage to announce the victory of my Savior by the way I love others. Because sometimes it is so much more than what you say, often it is how you love them. How much grace you have for them in their messiest moments, the mercy you show when they want to look away in shame. The gentle touch of fellowship and the simple acknowledgement that while we are imperfect, we can look to Christ who is perfect.

Announce the victory by acknowledging your failures and turning away from them and by not rubbing someone else's nose in their own. Shout it with the kind word you use to build someone up when they least expect it. Sing it at the top of your lungs by smiling at a stranger who looks like they can use a little courage. Be all there with the people you love, all the time. Have the courage to turn down the distractions, walk away from the argument or repair a relationship that never should have come undone. 

More than anything, have the courage to trust in the very God who brought you to life. Even if you can't see the light right now, do not stop being it. Draw your sword and encourage yourself, your family, your friends, your co-workers, your enemies and your world by the way you love. Think you can't make a difference? Have the courage to tell that thought to go back to the hell it came from. Jesus Christ didn't rise from the grave so you could live in defeat. Whatever it is you might be facing, I'm going to ask you to speak to it. Tell it this, "This time, I trust in the Lord". You won't be forsaken. You won't be let down. You will announce the victory you've been praying for and all of Heaven will rejoice with you. 

My identity is firmly rooted in faith. Even if my mouth gets me into trouble, I can rest assured that my heart is what God is interested in.  It is a heart convicted to serve Him, because complacency just doesn't taste good anymore. Not since I learned who I am. 

I am Heaven's Daughter. Courageous and dangerous with a sword of truth. 

If you aren't sure of who you are, I encourage you to find out, too. In the meantime, read this;

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry "Abba Father!" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God." Romans 8:14-16

His word is alive and so am I. 

Love covers a multitude of sins. 

The Greatest of These

Have you ever held a diamond up and shined a light through it? It casts a myriad of rainbow colored hues in so many different directions that it is impossible to contain all of the beams. This effect, is a multiplication of light in a broad spectrum of colors. Quite a miracle if you ask me. This is exactly what happens when Jesus pours His love into us. It is true, when Jesus puts His light in us, it comes out in vibrant ways and scatters in so many different directions that it leaves satan's head spinning. This is why love is the greatest of all things. This is why love is our most lethal weapon to plunder hell with. I wonder if Hallmark will ever put that on a Valentine's Day card? "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd love nothing more than to plunder hell with you". Now, THAT is romance! Those hues, bouncing off of everything, can color the darkest places and make them beautiful. That is what love has done for me, at least. Is that more romantic?

Today, as we all know, is Valentine's Day. This, is going to be a mushy post. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

If you've read my previous blog posts, you know that I love God, my Father, with all of my mind, heart and soul. What I haven't mentioned much of is the gift of love He put in my life in the form of my one and only. You see, a couple of years ago, I bumped into this guy who lives across the street from me and nothing has ever been the same. Only a Father as loving as The One who rules the heavens could know that he'd be exactly the one to love me in a way that would break down the fortress around my heart. He is steadfast in a way I have never known. I've thrown my best tantrums, had my worst meltdowns, failed and triumphed and all along the way, he's never left my side. He's seen the worst of me and loved me in those moments. He has seen the best of me and encouraged me to go even further. There have been times when I have made it difficult to love me and he was merciful, dug in and loved me even harder. My insecurities have become easier and easier to leave behind because of who my sweetie is. A man who loves the Lord. A man with an earnest and loyal heart who wants nothing less than God's best for me. A man who chooses to not only love me, but to love and care for my children as well. He doesn't have to, but every single day he looks after all of our needs, never once worrying about whether or not it is his repsonsibility to. The most humbling thing I can acknowledge though is this:

He loved us when we were the least of these, so that I could experience the greates of these. Before I turned my heart over to Christ, before I was Gospel Girl, there he was loving me and my children. When I had nothing to give, he didn't try to take anything from me. When I couldn't find anything good in me, he still saw it. When I was standing on the ledge, he talked me down. He helped me find my faith and walked me into the church where I found my home. He has shown me what hope looks like and continues to help my build my dream.. And the greatest of these? This is the kind of love that endures all things. The kind that wakes up and chooses to do it all over again no matter what. And every day, I choose him.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie. 

Father, the gift of love you have given me in Brad is exceedingly beyond anything I could have ever asked for. Thank you for loving me enough to bring me to the one person who would shine Your light so brightly into our lives, I praise you for Your wisdom and Sovereign hand in our lives. Please continue to bless us as we walk towards you together and lead our children towards your Kingdom. Also, his eyes will always be my favorite shade of blue, you did a great thing there! In Jesus Name, Amen. 

White Hot Redemption

I've been fumbling around, doing this "living" thing and part of that meant letting God be God while I attempted to heal from some chasm-like wounds. Part of that meant stepping away from blogging for awhile and diving head first into my past to confront some uncomfortable monsters who had been living under the bed.

The result? I stand here, intact, sword in hand and wearing a humble smile of victory. My Father showed up and reminded me Who I belong to and that monsters under the bed are His specialty. I'm stronger, which in turn has made me more vulnerable. I'm a warrior, which in turn has made me more peaceful. I'm forgiven, which in turn has made me more forgiving. Most importantly, I am chosen. I haven't quite figured out what all that entails yet, BUT and this is a big BUT, I feel called to something with such a ferocity that I know He has it all figured out and the details will work themselves out. There is one thing that I wanted to share though, it is equal parts humorous and sad but I feel convicted to put it out there, nonetheless.

I got really, really angry at everything and everyone before I was able to slay those monsters. Including God. Shouting at God in my closet was a low point until I tried shouting at God in the shower, in the car, on the couch...on a retreat. You get the picture. I was an angry girl, probably scared a few folks and even got annointed once in the process (I think they were afraid I was going to start shouting at them next). I didn't want to do it, but I had to get down into a pit and look those things in the eye to answer questions that I'd been allowing to burn in me for far too long. I found that the biggest sin that engulfed my life was this; I didn't trust God. I'd learned a dangerous habit, I guarded against hope with a singularly destructive thought, "God is against me". Somewhere along the way, I'd been lulled into that lie and accepted it, while rejecting myself. I rejected everything about myself and was angry that God made me the way I am. Never once did I stop to consider any of this was a lie. It just felt too natural to accept that I was wrong, made unlovable and condemned to a life of bitter struggle and a voice in my head repeated this shouting soundtrack of shame and hopelessness around the clock. Now imagine the moment in the pit when I looked the monster in the eyes and realized the shouting voice belonged to it. It wanted me to reject myself so I would reject God, you cannot commit one without the other. Imagine the moment I realized the sound of my Savior's voice whispering very closely, waiting to be heard all along. Whispering everything I had been thirsting to hear my entire life, "You are so loved, adored, treasured. You don't have to do anything, just be here with Me." All my life, I've been "doing", "trying", "wanting" and all it really takes is to be in His presence. To seek His voice.

White hot at the lies of the monster you'll never be enough. White hot at the ruin your life is such a mess. White hot anger poured out of my core THIS TIME, I TRUST IN THE LORD! 

My anger didn't have a language to explain itself. My anger shifted. My anger was finally aimed in the direction and focused on the target it should have been on all along. That monster got really small and quiet as the love of my Heavenly Father became the biggest thing I have ever known. That anger, white hot and scorching is now cooled to the perfect temperature and will be forged as weapons. Love. Mercy. Forgiveness. Grace. Courage. You hear the jingling? These weapons, they will be used to help free others. Ever seen a girl equipped with love and redemption? We mean business. So yeah, I took a little time off from blogging, but don't count this girl out. My Father says I'm only getting started. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1 ESV . I have faith.

Lord, I'm ready now.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things 

Empty Pockets

"The traveler with empty pockets will sing in the thief's face."- Juvenal

Sometimes, emptying the pockets of my children's clothing can be an adventure. I've found rocks, pine straw, bottle caps, race cars, peanuts, lip gloss, secret notes and even one, very dehydrated lizard. All of these small treasures (even the lizard) remind me that my children are healthy and thriving, doing "kid stuff" like pros. If they are collecting moments of joy in their pockets, I have no complaint! I have to smile and think of our Heavenly Father and how He loves when we are healthy and thriving, being Christ-like in how we approach our "human stuff". The times when we put His word in our pockets and keep reaching our hands back in to feel and hold them, rubbing the most liberating ones between our fingers. I wish that those were the only things I had in my pockets, but just like my own children, I had accumulated a few items that I couldn't quite part with. And ever so gently, ever so mercifully, God asked me to take them out and let Him look at them.

I didn't want to. Those were my things, things that didn't touch the light of day, let alone the light of God.

 You see, I had a pocket full of memories that I didn't dare take out. It was so much easier to just shove other things down in there until they were jammed in the bottom. Joys and blessings, nestled atop thorns and shards. The sharp objects seemed to always find their way to the top though,so that when I did reach down in there, I'd come back with an injury more often than I'd like to admit. I realized that although I have accepted Christ in my heart, although I know and believe there is only one, true God; I still held on to a belief that there were parts of me that God didn't want. So I kept those parts hidden and buried way down and not only did I accept the lie that Jesus couldn't or wouldn't want to heal them, I was foolish enough to believe that I could keep them. The Holy Spirit said, "Let me hear your story". God said, "Empty your pockets and lets take a look at these things. Together." Not now Father,  they hurt too much. Please anything, but that. Don't make me go back, I will be okay, I promise. My story felt like home to me. My story would be like a literal hell to anyone else. "Good", He said. "What better place to start?"

I had a decision to make. Would I continue to hide these things and let them injure me? Would He really be there to look at these things with me? Why now? Would He still love me? Yes, I became one of little faith over these things and that is when I realized that I wouldn't dare question God if He asked me to do something good and help someone else. I remembered God's promises. I remembered the person of Jesus Christ and how he delivered a demon possessed Mary Magdalene who became one of His most faithful disciples. I remembered the bleeding woman. The woman at the well. For the first time, I believed that God's promises were meant for me and that if He was asking me to do this, He had a reason. After much prayer and deliberation, I finally saw that He wanted me to speak His truth into the dead bones cluttering the graveyard of my past. My Father wanted me to go back to each place with Him and examine it. So, I poured my story out and as I did I noticed each shard reflect the lies that were attached to them. I spoke His truth over each one as I felt my Savior come closer and closer, offering His strength to move from one to the next. I understood why we must confess our sins before God, because sometimes those sins don't originate as our own. Sometimes they are sins others committed against us that we ingest and shackle ourselves to when we believe the lies attached to them. They become ours when we nurture a spirit of ambivalence, hopelessness and fear. They bind us to them and restrain us from truly knowing Jesus Christ. True shackles clasped upon us that start to feel so comfortable that we forget they are there. Until... Until someone tries to embrace us and then the shackles dig in and rub us raw, reminding us of how they got there to begin with, reminding us of how we have been bled out of trust and worthiness a long time before. We push the tender gesture away with a look of longing, rub a balm of protection on the wound and keep enough distance that the wound can scab over. Again.

Jesus Christ came to set me free. Too many times I turned Him away when He tried to tell me, "I can heal that too...". Too many times I turned my face away in shame and re-adjusted the shackles. This time, I reluctantly met His gaze. Looking into the face of mercy I said, "I am ready."

All this time of simply nursing the symptoms of pain has come to pass. I went to the source of the pain, I went deep into the locking mechanism and with the strength of God and The Kingdom of Heaven upon me, I was freed. Jesus wasn't willing to watch me lead others to him while I remained comfortable in the hell of my own past and I had to expose every painful memory to His light. In Heaven's wake, in each of those memories, I took that little girl and loved her until she knew that Joy is the truth. Hope is the truth and that she can believe in the Mightiest Protector and Redeemer that man has ever known. I went to that young woman and showed her that even when she felt condemned to a life of brokenness, God was preparing her for a life of purpose. His purpose.

And now, I rebuke every lie the enemy has ever told me and when he comes again to try to reopen the wounds, they won't be there. Jesus washed them clean in His mercy. The lies will fall like arrows without a point, missing their intended target every single time. I finally know that I am living from a place of victory, not hoping for it. I will sing a song of victory in the thief's face, I will proclaim God's redemption with every breath. And when I run out of breath, I will rest in knowing that those around me have heard the same songs and truths and that a legacy of hope will be passed down from me, not a legacy of shame. I thought I had to go to the source of the pain to heal and what I overlooked is that I needed to go to the source of all creation to heal; My One True God. He was always bigger than all of it and never again will I approach Him with small faith in His works. 

I admit this here and now, I knew that I had been delivered and had become a new creation in Christ, but because of my own inability to hope, I accepted this one, destructive thought; my insecurities were just a part of who I am and that I was destined to live with them forever. What kind of poppycock is that? Christ didn't hang on a cross in battered pieces and shreds so I could condemn myself to always feeling unworthy. He didn't want me to grab on to the end of his garments in hopes that He might not notice that I was hanging out trying to pick up the crumbs. Jesus Christ wants my heart, boldly. He wants me to know that He is the author of an ever challenging, ever elusive word for me. Hope. I guarded against it for far too long because of those lies I shackled myself to and when God met me at that last memory, I finally heard: 

 "For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock except our God? The God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless, He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave me a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip. I pursued my enemies and overtook them, and did not turn back till they were consumed."Psalm 18:31-37.

God equipped me for hope from my first breath. Now, after my Savior has presented me blameless in front of my Father, my story will become a beacon and I am a vessel, willing to shine that light as far and as bright as HIS might. For the first time in my entire life, my pockets are empty of shame and my heart is full of hope. Father, I receive that these hind's feet are going high places. Thank you for it all. 

Oh, those shackles? This morning, with his arm wrapped around me in love and support, my best friend, the one person on Earth who looked at those shards with me, knelt at the altar with me and I laid those busted shackles down. For good. 

And God met me there.

"And we all with unveiled faces, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" 
2 Corinthians 3:10 (ESV)