I've been staring at this keyboard for what seems like an eternity. Ceiling fan whirring above me, rhythmically keeping time with my breathing. It could lull me to sleep easily, but I am wide awake and wired with conviction. I've tried to get around writing this. I've avoided this post for many reasons, but mostly because while I knew how to start it, I did not know how to finish it.
God revealed the ending to me this very morning. Funny how He does that.
This post is going to hurt. Why? Because I'm going to reveal some things about myself that I do not entirely like. You might find yourself relating or recoiling in disbelief, but either way I ask that you continue on with this simple request; please pray for me. I've been chasing shadows for far too long.
Only the light can hold evidence of the darkness we've been in. Only the blinding, eye-squinting brightness of truth can reveal to us the depth of the caves we hide things in. And let's be honest, sometimes those caves become cozy and we start talking to the shadows and embracing the echoes as truths, even though an echo is only a reminder of something that was said in the past. We mistake them for real voices when we are in those lonely places, don't we? In our most vulnerable state, we let shadows and echoes tell us lies and we accept them for no other reason than this; loneliness is an illusion. More truth? An illusion can only exist if you accept it as your reality. Too many of us have been accepting illusions as realities and inflicting pain on ourselves that God never intended. While this post is mostly female-centric, I encourage any of my male readers to pay attention. You might find yourselves convicted as well.
I hear an echo every day. Every time I look in the mirror, it is audible. An illusion that has become a reality; I'm not tall, short, skinny, curvy, tan, pale, blonde, brunette, perky, giggly, happy, coy, toned, bouncy, glossed, natural, straight, curly, freckled, unblemished, unwrinkled, smart, funny, nerdy, hip, sexy, pure, rich, nurturing, sassy, sweet....you fill in the blank _______ enough. Every day, the thought that I am not enough, robs me. It leaves me bankrupt of self-acceptance and bereft of self-love. This is tough to admit. I've written about not ever wanting to have it all together, but I admit right here, right now that I would feel a whole bunch better about myself if y'all at least thought I did. Pride is an echo that sing-songs failure and a shadow that thumbs it's nose at me in jest. Why?
As a child, I was made fun of for having unkempt hair, a big nose, shabby clothing, crooked teeth, big lips... the list goes on. I was told I was a burden, I was called ugly. Those are the voices that created the echoes. Voices of people I loved, some from people I didn't even know. Those words died in the air many years ago. So, why am I still hearing them? Surely, I had people close by who told me that I was pretty? That I was intelligent? But why do those condemning voices get so much air time in my mind? Why is it when I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, I find very little that I like about myself and set out to alter just about everything that I can? Why at 38 years old, do I sit in my shower and cry sometimes because I cannot find anything about myself that I find acceptable? Better question:
What kind of shadow did I make friends with?
Even better question:
Who benefits from me thinking that everything about myself is wrong?
A quick stroll through the Garden of Eden answers that question. Who has been making women question their value since the beginning of time? A serpent.
Frankly, y'all, I'm tired.
I'm tired of the tricks and schemes that make us question our value. I am genuinely fed up and exhausted by the comparison trap. Any guesses as to who is responsible for that one too? My heart hurts when I see women sizing each other up and the look of defeat or triumph that follows. When did we get into competition with one another and what on Earth are we competing for?!?! Best eyebrows? Most likely to tan evenly? Best snakeskin sandals? Best cameo in a camisole? We have to stop consuming this venom and spitting it at one another and take up our daily bread and let it nourish us from the inside out. How empowered could women be if we actually shed that snakeskin for lamb's skin? How empowered could we be if we actually congratulated one another for our Christian witness? For being the hands and feet of Christ. The only prize worth striving towards is the upward call of Christ Jesus and yet we rarely compliment one another on the accessory of the glorious Holy Spirit in our lives. Guilty? I am.
This sin of vanity is fueled by a great deceiver. One who knows how powerful the faith and love of a woman is. You cannot shake that woman. You cannot out love or out give a woman who has her heart on fire for Jesus and when her focus is on that cross, there is not a devil in hell that could stop her from what God has called her to. But he will try to distract her, make her take the long way getting there or convince her that maybe she's not the woman for the job. Expect this, but do not be deceived by it. Do. Not. Be. Shaken. I'm preaching to myself too, y'all. Focus on the sounds of God's loving voice and let the echoes fall away or get lost in the sound of your praise being lifted up to Heaven.
Ladies. Fellas. There are billion dollar industries cashing in on and even creating our echoes and shadows, yet children, thousands of children are dying every single day due to starvation and lack of medical care. I'm buying eyeliner and obsessing over frizzy hair and some poor baby out there doesn't have a single bite of food in her belly. We are obsessing about cellulite, squatting and lunging for hours on end and there are people who haven't heard the Good News of the Gospel. I will be the first to wave my hypocrite flag. I will be the first to admit that my sin of vanity isn't all that innocent when I stop and take a hard look at the world around me. It absolutely is not a pretty world, but I don't have to let it convince me that I am ugly. In fact, when I gave my heart to Christ, my beautiful Savior, God said that I would bear a strong family resemblance to Him (Ephesians 4:24). Did Jesus have frizzy hair?
So what now?
Get out of the cave. Leave the shadows and echoes behind and find light and your own voice.
The echoes need to go. I need to smile with reckless abandon to display the joy Christ has in put in my heart, rather than hide my smile because I never had braces. It will probably take some time, but with my God watching over me, encouraging me and telling me that my heart is beautiful and my joy is pure, I can grow and blossom into a woman who avoids comparison traps instead of stepping right in them. I may not wake up tomorrow and ditch the flat iron just yet, but my heart is changing and Jesus is renewing my mind daily. I have full faith that He will heal me. That I won't always look at myself and feel the need to pick apart my flaws. I will believe that God has given me all I need to glorify Him in this world and I choose to be a voice that will partner with others do accomplish this. Satan may be equipped with an airbrush, but I have a sword of truth and enough faith to make me a threat to the shadows and echoes.
Why?
Because eight years ago, my amazing Father in heaven shared a vision with me. In that vision of the injured and flightless dove that represented me, He promised that He would heal me. I was tenderly reminded of His promise recently when I found a dove trapped in a chicken pen. A flutter of frantic wings caught in the corner of my eye and I recognized the frenzy from my dream. As I paused and watched the dove try to escape to no avail, I called to my husband for help. I was rooted in place as I watched him catch the panicked bird in his hands. As he brought it to me, I heard the reminder "trust in Me". I held the fragile bird in my hands, close to my heart and felt its own beating a storm into its chest. I spoke gently to it as I marveled at the sight of it in my hands. My son asked me how I knew to calm it down and all I could reply is that sometimes you just have to be calm in order to soothe another. Once the dove was calm, I looked it in the eye and told it to fly. Lifting my hands towards the sky, I set it free. Then, this morning in our closing prayer at church, my pastor asked, "Do you want to be stuck in a cage with the chickens or fly like an Eagle?". God's word never returns to Him empty. I will be healed.
And I will fly.
"Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily, your righteousness shall go before you: the Glory of the Lord your rear guard. Then you shall call and the Lord will answer, you shall cry and He will say, 'Here I am'. If you take the yoke from your midst the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Isaiah 58:8-11
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Cannonballs of Grace
"My story is His story."
That's somewhat how I started out the other night. To be honest, some of the lesser details are a little fuzzy.
Sitting in a room with a group of teenagers and a few adults, I jumped off the diving board and dove deep down into my story. His story. My testimony.
It felt a little like doing a cannonball and a lot like getting water all up my nose. It burned, I sputtered and finally I was able to catch my breath and let the cool, calming presence of the Holy Spirit surround me. There were only a couple of moments when I momentarily forgot how to swim, but my Life Preserver is hands-down, THE best. Thank you for never letting go of me.
A very wise friend* once warned me that when you have a testimony that includes forms of abuse or neglect, you sometimes find yourself using it as a weapon of self preservation and defense and often as a way to re-victimize yourself. I didn't entirely understand at the time what she meant because I was a fairly new believer and still felt all warm and fuzzy about my new found salvation. Don't get me wrong, I still have the warm fuzzies about Jesus (umm, hello? Have you read my 20 previous posts?). It's just that I was so overjoyed about the transformation taking place inside of me that I couldn't imagine using my past as a way to keep people at arm's length. I was ready to love everyone!! Nothing could touch me, why would I try to defend myself from love? Yeah, it all seemed so easy. Until the moment I heard myself say, "I don't deserve any more pain" in response to a situation that obviously was making me feel vulnerable, followed by the familiar smell of brick and mortar that only professional wall-builders recognize. Defenses, up.
Sitting in front of this group though, my friend's warning finally made complete sense. I wouldn't dare put up a wall between me and these kids, they didn't deserve that. Looking out at the familiar faces staring back at me, all my defenses wilted and with every fiber of my being, I prayed that God would use me to speak hope, joy, triumph and love into their lives. I prayed that God would protect me from myself and that I would be an effective vessel for His Kingdom.
For the very first time, I gave my testimony without an agenda for myself. I wanted it only for them.
With shaky hands and a racing heart, I showed the scars of my life. I spoke of the consuming darkness I lived in and braved through when I just wanted to skim over certain trials about my past that I wished they'd never know about. Yeah, I wanted to build a wall around some it, but the wrecking ball of grace busted through and the restoration of mercy went to work.
With shaky hands and a small smile, I finished my testimony and stepped down from the stage directly into a hug from a young girl sitting in the front row. Thank you Father for a love that never ends.
For almost a year, I have spent most Sunday afternoons with this group of teens. I'm sure they assume that I am there because I haughtily believe I can teach them something. I would never presume to be so foolish, but I doubt they know how they've totally screwed up my plans of becoming a fabulous hermit someday. Or how much they have taught me about love, acceptance and joy. I'm happy to report that I can never go back to my quiet Sunday afternoons now that they've welcomed a wannabe loner into their loud and often goofy fold and that even though I would never tell them to their faces and utterly embarrass them, I think they're stinkin' precious. Yep, I'm ruined. In the best possible way.
Gracefully.
Thank you Father for this gift.
*My wise friend has a testimony that is life-changing and hope-bringing in epic proportions. I am thoroughly convinced that she has a bejeweled crown in Heaven waiting on her that we, here on Earth, cannot even imagine the splendor of. If you haven't heard Tajuan McCarty's story or the incredible work of restoration that she's set out to fulfill, please do yourselves a favor and check out her ministry at http://the-wellhouse.org/about-us/ and prepare to have your heart opened by the mercy being poured out there. Tajuan's courage is inspiring and I humbly thank her for allowing me to share her wisdom in my little corner of the 'net.
"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11
That's somewhat how I started out the other night. To be honest, some of the lesser details are a little fuzzy.
Sitting in a room with a group of teenagers and a few adults, I jumped off the diving board and dove deep down into my story. His story. My testimony.
It felt a little like doing a cannonball and a lot like getting water all up my nose. It burned, I sputtered and finally I was able to catch my breath and let the cool, calming presence of the Holy Spirit surround me. There were only a couple of moments when I momentarily forgot how to swim, but my Life Preserver is hands-down, THE best. Thank you for never letting go of me.
A very wise friend* once warned me that when you have a testimony that includes forms of abuse or neglect, you sometimes find yourself using it as a weapon of self preservation and defense and often as a way to re-victimize yourself. I didn't entirely understand at the time what she meant because I was a fairly new believer and still felt all warm and fuzzy about my new found salvation. Don't get me wrong, I still have the warm fuzzies about Jesus (umm, hello? Have you read my 20 previous posts?). It's just that I was so overjoyed about the transformation taking place inside of me that I couldn't imagine using my past as a way to keep people at arm's length. I was ready to love everyone!! Nothing could touch me, why would I try to defend myself from love? Yeah, it all seemed so easy. Until the moment I heard myself say, "I don't deserve any more pain" in response to a situation that obviously was making me feel vulnerable, followed by the familiar smell of brick and mortar that only professional wall-builders recognize. Defenses, up.
Sitting in front of this group though, my friend's warning finally made complete sense. I wouldn't dare put up a wall between me and these kids, they didn't deserve that. Looking out at the familiar faces staring back at me, all my defenses wilted and with every fiber of my being, I prayed that God would use me to speak hope, joy, triumph and love into their lives. I prayed that God would protect me from myself and that I would be an effective vessel for His Kingdom.
For the very first time, I gave my testimony without an agenda for myself. I wanted it only for them.
With shaky hands and a racing heart, I showed the scars of my life. I spoke of the consuming darkness I lived in and braved through when I just wanted to skim over certain trials about my past that I wished they'd never know about. Yeah, I wanted to build a wall around some it, but the wrecking ball of grace busted through and the restoration of mercy went to work.
With shaky hands and a small smile, I finished my testimony and stepped down from the stage directly into a hug from a young girl sitting in the front row. Thank you Father for a love that never ends.
For almost a year, I have spent most Sunday afternoons with this group of teens. I'm sure they assume that I am there because I haughtily believe I can teach them something. I would never presume to be so foolish, but I doubt they know how they've totally screwed up my plans of becoming a fabulous hermit someday. Or how much they have taught me about love, acceptance and joy. I'm happy to report that I can never go back to my quiet Sunday afternoons now that they've welcomed a wannabe loner into their loud and often goofy fold and that even though I would never tell them to their faces and utterly embarrass them, I think they're stinkin' precious. Yep, I'm ruined. In the best possible way.
Gracefully.
Thank you Father for this gift.
*My wise friend has a testimony that is life-changing and hope-bringing in epic proportions. I am thoroughly convinced that she has a bejeweled crown in Heaven waiting on her that we, here on Earth, cannot even imagine the splendor of. If you haven't heard Tajuan McCarty's story or the incredible work of restoration that she's set out to fulfill, please do yourselves a favor and check out her ministry at http://the-wellhouse.org/about-us/ and prepare to have your heart opened by the mercy being poured out there. Tajuan's courage is inspiring and I humbly thank her for allowing me to share her wisdom in my little corner of the 'net.
"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Five Toes To Glory
I have a chronic issue. It flares up at the most inopportune times and often leaves me flushed and looking for the nearest exit door.
What I have is chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Symptoms include not thinking before speaking, speaking entirely too much or too quickly and is often accompanied by a lack of filter and/or common dang sense.
Unfortunately, I haven't found many ways to treat it and I often am left with the taste of regret in my mouth. If any of you know me personally, you've probably witnessed this in some fashion and the inevitable look of, "Holy guacamole" when the moment of doom arises. I'd like to say that I have a tendency toward being socially awkward, but after 38 years of being called a "social butterfly" and "a hoot", I don't think I can claim that title. I think I just really stink at peopling sometimes. Example? While trying to make friends with a new family recently, I jokingly chimed in about how I just can't justify people doing a nautical theme when we are well over 250 miles inland. A small chuckle and dismissing look from the innocent party on the other end of my verbal bomb revealed that perhaps I should have thought about the fact that maybe said other party has her entire house decorated in a nautical theme and that I just managed to offend her inner Martha Stewart in less than 38 seconds. I am really good at things like this and even though I pray about it in extreme fashion, I still manage to jam all five toes in my mouth at least once a day. Lord, help me. If I just offended anyone with less than 5 toes on the same foot, my apologies.
Clearly, I am not perfect. In fact, when people say things like, "you seem to have it so together", I often retort with something along the lines of a snorting laugh or meager grin and ask them, "Books & covers, much?". I can appear to have it all together, it is true. There are times when I can appear so together that it makes me almost unrecognizable to myself and apparently, to God too. Yeah. He recently told me that I'd gone and made myself entirely too serious. The words, "You need to be funny, you need to be you" lovingly chastised my inner being recently. The oddest thing about that; I thought I was being funny. (Do y'all think Jesus ever laughed so hard He divinely snorted?)
After some deep heart searching, I realized that I had gotten uber serious as of late and kind of lost my sense of humor in the midst of....life. All of this led me to question myself. Am I working at my salvation? Am I trying to earn grace? Are my works lacking the much needed faith to be as effective as they should be? Who's glory am I working towards, mine or God's? OUCH. That last one left me reeling a bit. If I am going to be entirely honest, as I said I would be when I started this blog, I had to strip my motives down to the bare bones.
Truth: I was becoming a mild legalist. Afflicted with a case of Pharisee fever, I was getting a little too caught up with the "law" and not the "love", as Jesus asks us to. What that looks like is a churched-up version of the world and what Jesus kinda despises. From the outside, I don't know that anyone really even noticed. But, God knows everything, sees everything and the Holy Spirit will call us out when we aren't keeping it real. For this, I am grateful, as I was headlong on my way to becoming a full-blown Stepford-esque "church lady" and feeling a little too important about myself. It was a pretty great representation of what turns people off of church because I don't know that Jesus ever fretted about perfect eyeliner or not wearing the same outfit twice in the same month. No, Jesus went about loving on orphans and lepers, blind men and outcast women and always was more concerned about their hearts than their status or appearance. Pride is a sneaky son of a gun and will find ways to uproot any seeds of humility that happen to be sprouting in your life if you don't weed the garden every so often. God is supremely concerned with our motives, our works only count when they match our intentions. Can you dig it?
Truth: People pleasing is like slowly bleeding to death. Over time, drop by drop, you will give yourself away and become deficient of love and anemic of grace in the process. Temptation to please leads to compromising to gain acceptance. Meaning, if you are serving anyone with the idea that they will love you more or think you're a little more than alright; check yourself before you wreck yourself, ok? People who truly love you, love you when you aren't doing a cotton-picking thing for them and will continue to love you if you never do another cotton-picking thing for them. Lysa Terkeurst blew my mind with this; "Do not confuse the command to love with the disease to please". Amen, sister. Loving God first and most often includes saying "no" to people and sometimes leads us to uncomfortable truths that may just be what sets them free from sinful behaviors. Ephesians 4:25 tells us, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another". If I can't tell my DFF (divine friend forever) when her crazy is hanging out or my neighbor-turned-husband when I've had enough Bigfoot documentaries and they can't be honest and tell me when I'm clammed up too tight in my hermit shell, that is just politely pretending and is NOT fellowship, amigos.
Truth: Churches the world over are full of hypocrites. IF you happen to think that you are not a hypocrite, I'd like to see what kind of mirror you have in your home. The one I have has this woman in it who really has a heart for Christ and falls short of doing His name justice every single day. I humbly submit to all of you that I am a sinner. I say one thing and do another without any real conscious effort to fall short. It is the nature of my flesh and your flesh too, please don't kid yourself into thinking that you are perfect because the real tragedy in that is you tend to lose sight of needing God in that mindset. Satan will let some folks lead a real easy life because he knows that they'll eventually stop needing God and therefore forget about salvation and live for their own gain. We see them everyday in the headlines and often covet their easy lifestyles and fortune. Again, a sneaky sin that winds it's way into our hearts and chokes out humility. Paul said in Phillipians 3:8 "Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ". Paul, in his time, was the man before he met Christ. A true legalist and the fairest of the Pharisees, the man was at the top of his game and after meeting Christ, called his former life rubbish. RUB-bish. Paul walked away and traded his Ferrari in for a Prius (totally making this up for dramatic effect) and had the time of his life in prison cells and shipwrecks (this stuff I can't make up) because he learned to be content in every circumstance and to believe that Jesus would be worth it all for one simple reason. He completes us. His love covers and smothers everything that I can't get right and even after I unload on a class about how we need to feed the hungry and clothe the poor while my belly is full and my hide is clothed, He loves me. In that moment of utter hypocrisy, Jesus Christ the King, loves little, big-mouthed me. He loves whatever kind of hypocrite you are too, He is just that kind of Savior.
Conclusion? None of it has to do with church really, it really has to do more with what I am willing to do with the Gospel. If I love Jesus enough to walk with His people into transformation and witness miracles. Do I love Jesus enough to care about what He cares about or will I lose focus in favor of shiny, earthy things? What were we talking about again? (God told me to be funny, take it up with Him if you have an issue) Yes, yes, I remember. I was laying my yard sale out there for all to see. In conclusion, I searched my heart and found out something super cool.
I'm not perfect. I don't want to try to be the best everything. I just want to be the me Christ thought was worthy of dying for. Imperfect, flawed, fallen, but earnestly wanting to be better. To do better and to most importantly; love better. If I could earn my way into Heaven and gain all of the Kingdom of God as my eternal home, the Cross would be pointless. I may be a hypocrite, but I am no fool. Someday I will stand in front of Jesus and I won't have my arms overflowing with good works, trying to show Him how I served the least of these. No, my arms will be open and expectant, ready to accept an embrace from the Savior who I love.
"If anyone loves me, he will keep my word and my Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23 ESV
What I have is chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Symptoms include not thinking before speaking, speaking entirely too much or too quickly and is often accompanied by a lack of filter and/or common dang sense.
Unfortunately, I haven't found many ways to treat it and I often am left with the taste of regret in my mouth. If any of you know me personally, you've probably witnessed this in some fashion and the inevitable look of, "Holy guacamole" when the moment of doom arises. I'd like to say that I have a tendency toward being socially awkward, but after 38 years of being called a "social butterfly" and "a hoot", I don't think I can claim that title. I think I just really stink at peopling sometimes. Example? While trying to make friends with a new family recently, I jokingly chimed in about how I just can't justify people doing a nautical theme when we are well over 250 miles inland. A small chuckle and dismissing look from the innocent party on the other end of my verbal bomb revealed that perhaps I should have thought about the fact that maybe said other party has her entire house decorated in a nautical theme and that I just managed to offend her inner Martha Stewart in less than 38 seconds. I am really good at things like this and even though I pray about it in extreme fashion, I still manage to jam all five toes in my mouth at least once a day. Lord, help me. If I just offended anyone with less than 5 toes on the same foot, my apologies.
Clearly, I am not perfect. In fact, when people say things like, "you seem to have it so together", I often retort with something along the lines of a snorting laugh or meager grin and ask them, "Books & covers, much?". I can appear to have it all together, it is true. There are times when I can appear so together that it makes me almost unrecognizable to myself and apparently, to God too. Yeah. He recently told me that I'd gone and made myself entirely too serious. The words, "You need to be funny, you need to be you" lovingly chastised my inner being recently. The oddest thing about that; I thought I was being funny. (Do y'all think Jesus ever laughed so hard He divinely snorted?)
After some deep heart searching, I realized that I had gotten uber serious as of late and kind of lost my sense of humor in the midst of....life. All of this led me to question myself. Am I working at my salvation? Am I trying to earn grace? Are my works lacking the much needed faith to be as effective as they should be? Who's glory am I working towards, mine or God's? OUCH. That last one left me reeling a bit. If I am going to be entirely honest, as I said I would be when I started this blog, I had to strip my motives down to the bare bones.
Truth: I was becoming a mild legalist. Afflicted with a case of Pharisee fever, I was getting a little too caught up with the "law" and not the "love", as Jesus asks us to. What that looks like is a churched-up version of the world and what Jesus kinda despises. From the outside, I don't know that anyone really even noticed. But, God knows everything, sees everything and the Holy Spirit will call us out when we aren't keeping it real. For this, I am grateful, as I was headlong on my way to becoming a full-blown Stepford-esque "church lady" and feeling a little too important about myself. It was a pretty great representation of what turns people off of church because I don't know that Jesus ever fretted about perfect eyeliner or not wearing the same outfit twice in the same month. No, Jesus went about loving on orphans and lepers, blind men and outcast women and always was more concerned about their hearts than their status or appearance. Pride is a sneaky son of a gun and will find ways to uproot any seeds of humility that happen to be sprouting in your life if you don't weed the garden every so often. God is supremely concerned with our motives, our works only count when they match our intentions. Can you dig it?
Truth: People pleasing is like slowly bleeding to death. Over time, drop by drop, you will give yourself away and become deficient of love and anemic of grace in the process. Temptation to please leads to compromising to gain acceptance. Meaning, if you are serving anyone with the idea that they will love you more or think you're a little more than alright; check yourself before you wreck yourself, ok? People who truly love you, love you when you aren't doing a cotton-picking thing for them and will continue to love you if you never do another cotton-picking thing for them. Lysa Terkeurst blew my mind with this; "Do not confuse the command to love with the disease to please". Amen, sister. Loving God first and most often includes saying "no" to people and sometimes leads us to uncomfortable truths that may just be what sets them free from sinful behaviors. Ephesians 4:25 tells us, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another". If I can't tell my DFF (divine friend forever) when her crazy is hanging out or my neighbor-turned-husband when I've had enough Bigfoot documentaries and they can't be honest and tell me when I'm clammed up too tight in my hermit shell, that is just politely pretending and is NOT fellowship, amigos.
Truth: Churches the world over are full of hypocrites. IF you happen to think that you are not a hypocrite, I'd like to see what kind of mirror you have in your home. The one I have has this woman in it who really has a heart for Christ and falls short of doing His name justice every single day. I humbly submit to all of you that I am a sinner. I say one thing and do another without any real conscious effort to fall short. It is the nature of my flesh and your flesh too, please don't kid yourself into thinking that you are perfect because the real tragedy in that is you tend to lose sight of needing God in that mindset. Satan will let some folks lead a real easy life because he knows that they'll eventually stop needing God and therefore forget about salvation and live for their own gain. We see them everyday in the headlines and often covet their easy lifestyles and fortune. Again, a sneaky sin that winds it's way into our hearts and chokes out humility. Paul said in Phillipians 3:8 "Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ". Paul, in his time, was the man before he met Christ. A true legalist and the fairest of the Pharisees, the man was at the top of his game and after meeting Christ, called his former life rubbish. RUB-bish. Paul walked away and traded his Ferrari in for a Prius (totally making this up for dramatic effect) and had the time of his life in prison cells and shipwrecks (this stuff I can't make up) because he learned to be content in every circumstance and to believe that Jesus would be worth it all for one simple reason. He completes us. His love covers and smothers everything that I can't get right and even after I unload on a class about how we need to feed the hungry and clothe the poor while my belly is full and my hide is clothed, He loves me. In that moment of utter hypocrisy, Jesus Christ the King, loves little, big-mouthed me. He loves whatever kind of hypocrite you are too, He is just that kind of Savior.
Conclusion? None of it has to do with church really, it really has to do more with what I am willing to do with the Gospel. If I love Jesus enough to walk with His people into transformation and witness miracles. Do I love Jesus enough to care about what He cares about or will I lose focus in favor of shiny, earthy things? What were we talking about again? (God told me to be funny, take it up with Him if you have an issue) Yes, yes, I remember. I was laying my yard sale out there for all to see. In conclusion, I searched my heart and found out something super cool.
I'm not perfect. I don't want to try to be the best everything. I just want to be the me Christ thought was worthy of dying for. Imperfect, flawed, fallen, but earnestly wanting to be better. To do better and to most importantly; love better. If I could earn my way into Heaven and gain all of the Kingdom of God as my eternal home, the Cross would be pointless. I may be a hypocrite, but I am no fool. Someday I will stand in front of Jesus and I won't have my arms overflowing with good works, trying to show Him how I served the least of these. No, my arms will be open and expectant, ready to accept an embrace from the Savior who I love.
"If anyone loves me, he will keep my word and my Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23 ESV
Monday, May 11, 2015
Blessed Birkenstocks
"If I could hear Christ praying for me, I would not fear a million enemies." Robert Murray M'Cheyne.
Reading that quote put my already overactive imagination into overdrive. I have no idea who the dude is that said it and I imagine before I reach the last sentence of this post, I will have conducted a google search to scratch that itchy question, but in my imagination he was a commander of troops surveying a battleground, preparing his men for a battle against an army three times their size. Gazing over his men, uttering prayers and crossing the Holy Trinity over his chain mail. Or perhaps it was just one man, a man of conviction who was being persecuted for his love of Christ and was facing death at the hands of a firing squad. Think about it for just a moment and no cheating! No Google, no Wikipedia, just use your noodle and imagine why anyone would have need to say such a thing. Maybe, he is just your average believer who actually wants to know His Savior more intimately. I don't know. What I do know is that we live in a cushy, air-conditioned, wifi having world where the biggest known enemies we face on a daily basis are not enough bars on our phones or someone using the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Why would this guy be worried about any enemies? What was he facing? Did he tick someone off whilst waxing the poetic? Seems like he isn't like most of us, floating along in a sea of first world problems, filled with the thoughts of how to add to our comfort, ways we can make our lives easier, shortcuts to saving a few dollars, what we will wear to church, how to fluff our nests. What we forget that old dude up there was aware of is that we are in a war. Don't for one, hot second think that your nest isn't positioned right smack in the middle of a battleground. There is a predator prowling about who wants to wipe out the fluffiest nest of all, the Kingdom of God. (1 Peter 5:8)
I've heard it said that the greatest trick satan attempts is to convince us that he doesn't exist. Now ask yourself why he'd want to convince us of this? To undermine Christianity? To allow our minds to believe that God is a vengeful and wrathful entity that seeks to punish us? How many times have you heard someone claim that they can't do "Christianity" because they can't believe in a God who would allow children to die of cancers or babies to perish in wars? Personally, I have heard multiple variations of reasons and had even adopted one myself: Why would God let this happen to me? If you've read my previous posts, you'll remember that my relationship with Jesus wasn't forged by a life spent in church on Sundays. I spent a large amount of time believing in whatever I thought could get me through the situations I faced. At one point, I laughed in someone's face when they told me that God loves me no matter what. Here's a little nugget for you; if you don't understand true, grace- filled unconditional love you can't understand the vacuum of darkness satan is hoping you slip up and fall into either. When Darth Vader said, "Come to the dark side" he didn't know that his version is fields of poppies and butterflies compared to what is really lurking around out in the world. One of the most iconic pop-culture bad guys of all time couldn't even grasp what the real "dark side" is on his evilest of days, Darth in all of his heavy-breathing glory couldn't muster the kinds of Jedi mind tricks satan puts on us.
Ever notice a theme with all of the popular pop culture, cult classic movies? Trilogies, 7 book series, Prequels, sequels and everything in between. They tend to lean towards the battle of good versus evil, with a heavy emphasis on underdogs and unlikely heroes winning in the end. Kind of reminds me of.....The Holy Bible. What a bunch of ragtag dudes Jesus hung out with! The adventures and trials, the constant struggle between good and evil. Now don't get me wrong, there are some moments when you have to kind of "skim" through the who begat who and it is all relevant (trust me on this), but when you just look at the entirety of it, God wrote the greatest series of all time and it NEVER changes. JUST. LIKE. HIM. No new director is going to step in and recast our favorite characters or edit the dialogue. No corporate branding, no cameo appearances (welllll, Moses and Elijah do make an appearance in the New Testament that dropped my jaw). Disney isn't going to buy the rights to the The Holy Bible and turn it into a musical anytime soon is what I'm getting at. It is the one, perfect and untouchable thing in this world. The only truth. In that truth lies the struggle of the flesh, the reason why we must be aware of exactly what the enemy counts on us to forget. The Bible never says that we will not face trials, that we won't suffer loss and be witness to unspeakable or unexplainable events. In fact, God encourages our steadfastness during these times; that we remain in faith. He will deliver us from the pain and mourning, the shame, guilt and suffocating grief that satan and our human emotions will hold us captive in. Jesus, God in the flesh, walked this Earth with us so that we may know what mercy and grace look and feel like, so that we we would understand what love truly looks like. Now, the reason I won't linger too long on the dark side; I read the last page in the Bible. I know who wins. Doesn't make me sit back and enjoy my popcorn and snuggie though. In fact it inspires me to get prepared, knowing that I am right in the middle of it. I know of one enemy, but he puts his poison in the Kool Aid of millions. He knows your flavor of sin. But you, adored child of the King, do not have to drink it. Put it down, walk away and go find that stream of Living Water and let your thirst be quenched with goodness and mercy.
Easier said than done, isn't it? That's the trick of it all, that's when you know you're facing something clever. Religion will tell you that it is all hard work to follow Christ. Relationship with Christ squashes tht lie and tells you it is not only easy, but entirely worth it. I'm going to give you a few examples, in case you were lulled to sleep in the middle of a fight. That book I mentioned up there? Take it out and turn to the book of Ephesians. Paul (formerly church burning, Christian persecuting Saul) wrote this to the churches surrounding Ephesus to explain the scope of God's eternal plan for all humanity. Now if you'll join me in chapter 6, verse 10, I would like to discuss The Whole Armor of God. You'll want to get your highlighter ready...
Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV)
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places, Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all to stand firm. Thereforehaving fastened on the belt of truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one and the the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God..."
So, what does it mean to be strong in the Lord? It means to let Him be your strength. Often, for me it means to just be still and call upon Him. He will fight for us, He will rally up angels on high to surround us and send just the right people at the right time to support us. This isn't hard stuff, but we can be tricked into thinking so. What we do have to trust, is that God's timing is perfect and when we are waiting on that support is when we need to lean into Jesus the hardest. Don't call everyone you know looking for an answer, take it to God in prayer and let Jesus intercede on your behalf and wait patiently for who and what He sends to you. (This does not apply to situations when lives are at stake, please use your noodle for those, He gave it to you for a reason). Disclaimers aside, His might is so much...mightier than our own. How thankful I am for a Savior who has unending supplies of what I don't!
Now lets talk about schemes. Webster says a scheme is "a large scale systematic plan or arrangement for attaining some particular object or putting a particular idea into effect." Lets not mince words here. The devil is NEVER concerned about our well being and ONLY trying to kill, rob or destroy us of all good things (John 10:10) Why? Because all good things are from God (Psalm 127, paraphrased). The enemy of our souls has a systematic plan to attain our soul and then use us to put his ideas into effect. Essentially, poisoning the Kool-Aid, convincing everyone we know to drink it and then we all die. Scheme, decoded. Always good to know your enemy.
Think about this. When I got dressed this morning, did I fasten on the belt of truth? What is the truth? Does it match my shoes? Sorry, I had to. Really important though is that I chose to put it on. That it is not something I made, it isn't anything I bought at American Eagle. It is of God and I choose to wear it. God doesn't dress me in it like a toddler, or force me to wear it if I don't want to (very unlike a dress I had to wear to an 8th grade winter dance that I'm still not over). Bottom line, when I dressed this morning, I fastened myself with this truth: In Him, I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. And I believe in Him and therefore, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13). SEALED. Can't. Touch. This.
When Hammer Time has concluded, we shall move on. "Makes me say Oh my Lord...". Sometimes I wonder if I should be allowed to do this at all, but clearly God has a sense of humor that is witnessed through daughters like myself who plainly don't give a patootie if I'm everyone's flavor or not. Moving on...
Righteousness. Such a throwback word for an 80's-90's hybrid SoCal girl like myself. I think we wore something similar to peace on our feet back in the day too, also known as Birkenstocks. Serious time now; Why do you think Paul felt led to break down these pieces of armor? In the time Paul wrote the letter to the church at Ephesus, he knew that he would have to demonstrate to them how important it was that their minds stay tuned in for battle against an unseen enemy and battle armor illustrated that point precisely. Ephesus was well known for its easy-breezy, idol worshipping lifestyle during that time and with one of the Eight Wonders of the Ancient World thriving in 60 a.d., also known as the temple of Artemis, Paul's letter to the Ephesians is often regarded as one of the least personal and one of the more "hit 'em where it counts" books written in the New Testament. He wasn't playing around. They were in a battle. So are we. Grab your sword, send a prayer up to Jesus and let's go.
Before I end one of my longest posts yet, I want to leave you with this thought. In the second sentence of the scripture mentioned above, we are told to put on the full armor of God so we may stand against the devil. Stand. Not sit, cower, run from, hide from, or lay down in front of. Stand. When you are at a place in your walk, or you just now decided to walk with Christ and you feel that scheme working on your mind, attacking your thoughts; stand. Stand on God's promises and let the enemy panic. You have something that cannot be taken from you. Salvation. Victory. Jesus said, "Surely, I am coming soon" (Revelations 22:20 paraphrased). So I say, stand. He always keeps His promises.
Father to know that your Son is praying on my behalf, strikes all fear from my heart. Let me stand with Jesus Christ, the cornerstone of my faith. I praise your Holy name!
Reading that quote put my already overactive imagination into overdrive. I have no idea who the dude is that said it and I imagine before I reach the last sentence of this post, I will have conducted a google search to scratch that itchy question, but in my imagination he was a commander of troops surveying a battleground, preparing his men for a battle against an army three times their size. Gazing over his men, uttering prayers and crossing the Holy Trinity over his chain mail. Or perhaps it was just one man, a man of conviction who was being persecuted for his love of Christ and was facing death at the hands of a firing squad. Think about it for just a moment and no cheating! No Google, no Wikipedia, just use your noodle and imagine why anyone would have need to say such a thing. Maybe, he is just your average believer who actually wants to know His Savior more intimately. I don't know. What I do know is that we live in a cushy, air-conditioned, wifi having world where the biggest known enemies we face on a daily basis are not enough bars on our phones or someone using the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Why would this guy be worried about any enemies? What was he facing? Did he tick someone off whilst waxing the poetic? Seems like he isn't like most of us, floating along in a sea of first world problems, filled with the thoughts of how to add to our comfort, ways we can make our lives easier, shortcuts to saving a few dollars, what we will wear to church, how to fluff our nests. What we forget that old dude up there was aware of is that we are in a war. Don't for one, hot second think that your nest isn't positioned right smack in the middle of a battleground. There is a predator prowling about who wants to wipe out the fluffiest nest of all, the Kingdom of God. (1 Peter 5:8)
I've heard it said that the greatest trick satan attempts is to convince us that he doesn't exist. Now ask yourself why he'd want to convince us of this? To undermine Christianity? To allow our minds to believe that God is a vengeful and wrathful entity that seeks to punish us? How many times have you heard someone claim that they can't do "Christianity" because they can't believe in a God who would allow children to die of cancers or babies to perish in wars? Personally, I have heard multiple variations of reasons and had even adopted one myself: Why would God let this happen to me? If you've read my previous posts, you'll remember that my relationship with Jesus wasn't forged by a life spent in church on Sundays. I spent a large amount of time believing in whatever I thought could get me through the situations I faced. At one point, I laughed in someone's face when they told me that God loves me no matter what. Here's a little nugget for you; if you don't understand true, grace- filled unconditional love you can't understand the vacuum of darkness satan is hoping you slip up and fall into either. When Darth Vader said, "Come to the dark side" he didn't know that his version is fields of poppies and butterflies compared to what is really lurking around out in the world. One of the most iconic pop-culture bad guys of all time couldn't even grasp what the real "dark side" is on his evilest of days, Darth in all of his heavy-breathing glory couldn't muster the kinds of Jedi mind tricks satan puts on us.
Ever notice a theme with all of the popular pop culture, cult classic movies? Trilogies, 7 book series, Prequels, sequels and everything in between. They tend to lean towards the battle of good versus evil, with a heavy emphasis on underdogs and unlikely heroes winning in the end. Kind of reminds me of.....The Holy Bible. What a bunch of ragtag dudes Jesus hung out with! The adventures and trials, the constant struggle between good and evil. Now don't get me wrong, there are some moments when you have to kind of "skim" through the who begat who and it is all relevant (trust me on this), but when you just look at the entirety of it, God wrote the greatest series of all time and it NEVER changes. JUST. LIKE. HIM. No new director is going to step in and recast our favorite characters or edit the dialogue. No corporate branding, no cameo appearances (welllll, Moses and Elijah do make an appearance in the New Testament that dropped my jaw). Disney isn't going to buy the rights to the The Holy Bible and turn it into a musical anytime soon is what I'm getting at. It is the one, perfect and untouchable thing in this world. The only truth. In that truth lies the struggle of the flesh, the reason why we must be aware of exactly what the enemy counts on us to forget. The Bible never says that we will not face trials, that we won't suffer loss and be witness to unspeakable or unexplainable events. In fact, God encourages our steadfastness during these times; that we remain in faith. He will deliver us from the pain and mourning, the shame, guilt and suffocating grief that satan and our human emotions will hold us captive in. Jesus, God in the flesh, walked this Earth with us so that we may know what mercy and grace look and feel like, so that we we would understand what love truly looks like. Now, the reason I won't linger too long on the dark side; I read the last page in the Bible. I know who wins. Doesn't make me sit back and enjoy my popcorn and snuggie though. In fact it inspires me to get prepared, knowing that I am right in the middle of it. I know of one enemy, but he puts his poison in the Kool Aid of millions. He knows your flavor of sin. But you, adored child of the King, do not have to drink it. Put it down, walk away and go find that stream of Living Water and let your thirst be quenched with goodness and mercy.
Easier said than done, isn't it? That's the trick of it all, that's when you know you're facing something clever. Religion will tell you that it is all hard work to follow Christ. Relationship with Christ squashes tht lie and tells you it is not only easy, but entirely worth it. I'm going to give you a few examples, in case you were lulled to sleep in the middle of a fight. That book I mentioned up there? Take it out and turn to the book of Ephesians. Paul (formerly church burning, Christian persecuting Saul) wrote this to the churches surrounding Ephesus to explain the scope of God's eternal plan for all humanity. Now if you'll join me in chapter 6, verse 10, I would like to discuss The Whole Armor of God. You'll want to get your highlighter ready...
Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV)
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places, Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all to stand firm. Thereforehaving fastened on the belt of truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one and the the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God..."
So, what does it mean to be strong in the Lord? It means to let Him be your strength. Often, for me it means to just be still and call upon Him. He will fight for us, He will rally up angels on high to surround us and send just the right people at the right time to support us. This isn't hard stuff, but we can be tricked into thinking so. What we do have to trust, is that God's timing is perfect and when we are waiting on that support is when we need to lean into Jesus the hardest. Don't call everyone you know looking for an answer, take it to God in prayer and let Jesus intercede on your behalf and wait patiently for who and what He sends to you. (This does not apply to situations when lives are at stake, please use your noodle for those, He gave it to you for a reason). Disclaimers aside, His might is so much...mightier than our own. How thankful I am for a Savior who has unending supplies of what I don't!
Now lets talk about schemes. Webster says a scheme is "a large scale systematic plan or arrangement for attaining some particular object or putting a particular idea into effect." Lets not mince words here. The devil is NEVER concerned about our well being and ONLY trying to kill, rob or destroy us of all good things (John 10:10) Why? Because all good things are from God (Psalm 127, paraphrased). The enemy of our souls has a systematic plan to attain our soul and then use us to put his ideas into effect. Essentially, poisoning the Kool-Aid, convincing everyone we know to drink it and then we all die. Scheme, decoded. Always good to know your enemy.
Think about this. When I got dressed this morning, did I fasten on the belt of truth? What is the truth? Does it match my shoes? Sorry, I had to. Really important though is that I chose to put it on. That it is not something I made, it isn't anything I bought at American Eagle. It is of God and I choose to wear it. God doesn't dress me in it like a toddler, or force me to wear it if I don't want to (very unlike a dress I had to wear to an 8th grade winter dance that I'm still not over). Bottom line, when I dressed this morning, I fastened myself with this truth: In Him, I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. And I believe in Him and therefore, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13). SEALED. Can't. Touch. This.
When Hammer Time has concluded, we shall move on. "Makes me say Oh my Lord...". Sometimes I wonder if I should be allowed to do this at all, but clearly God has a sense of humor that is witnessed through daughters like myself who plainly don't give a patootie if I'm everyone's flavor or not. Moving on...
Righteousness. Such a throwback word for an 80's-90's hybrid SoCal girl like myself. I think we wore something similar to peace on our feet back in the day too, also known as Birkenstocks. Serious time now; Why do you think Paul felt led to break down these pieces of armor? In the time Paul wrote the letter to the church at Ephesus, he knew that he would have to demonstrate to them how important it was that their minds stay tuned in for battle against an unseen enemy and battle armor illustrated that point precisely. Ephesus was well known for its easy-breezy, idol worshipping lifestyle during that time and with one of the Eight Wonders of the Ancient World thriving in 60 a.d., also known as the temple of Artemis, Paul's letter to the Ephesians is often regarded as one of the least personal and one of the more "hit 'em where it counts" books written in the New Testament. He wasn't playing around. They were in a battle. So are we. Grab your sword, send a prayer up to Jesus and let's go.
Before I end one of my longest posts yet, I want to leave you with this thought. In the second sentence of the scripture mentioned above, we are told to put on the full armor of God so we may stand against the devil. Stand. Not sit, cower, run from, hide from, or lay down in front of. Stand. When you are at a place in your walk, or you just now decided to walk with Christ and you feel that scheme working on your mind, attacking your thoughts; stand. Stand on God's promises and let the enemy panic. You have something that cannot be taken from you. Salvation. Victory. Jesus said, "Surely, I am coming soon" (Revelations 22:20 paraphrased). So I say, stand. He always keeps His promises.
Father to know that your Son is praying on my behalf, strikes all fear from my heart. Let me stand with Jesus Christ, the cornerstone of my faith. I praise your Holy name!
Friday, May 8, 2015
With This Cheese...
My world is turned upside down right now. In more ways than one.
First, I have vertigo. Real live, feels-like-the-Earth-is-moving-under-my-feet, vertigo.
Second, I am now a married woman. Real live, with-this-ring-I-do-wed, married.
The second came before the first, but they equally have my head spinning. Vertigo has an odd way of making you very no-nonsense, allowing only the most relevant of thoughts to pass through your off-kilter noggin. Multi-tasking becomes near impossible as the very real effort of staying upright wins out over even considering walking and talking at the same time. I now understand how Paul, having arrived shipwrecked in Malta after being tossed about on the highs seas, was able to shake a viper off into a fire with such casual regard. He didn't have the capacity to think about it or time to worry about such nuisances as venom or possible death, he was trying to keep from going tail over teakettle. The natives were standing around waiting for Paul to swell up and keel over and when that didn't happen they deemed him a god. Paul wasn't a god though, He just knew the One and True extremely well (Acts 27 & 28). Besides, nobody has time for snakes when they are focused on putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get to their destiny. There is a sermon in that last sentence somewhere, I will have to revisit it when I have less sideways momentum. Where I was going with all this was straight to God. I know He is in this somewhere. The "I'm newly married and disoriented" thing seems just TOO obvious and I am trying to discern how my first few days as a dizzy Mrs. play out, Kingdom style. I have faith that there is a reason.
This is my second marriage. In fact, the first perished in an enormously destructive fire in 2008. It wasn't fireproofed nor insured and the damage was counted as "totaled" when the final papers were signed. Now, seven years later, God is returning to me all that was lost and then way more. The Almighty had His own insurance on my life and even though I wasn't aware of the coverage back then, I have a pretty good idea now that this term comes with all sorts of "perks". In my mind I see a variety of clever ads and slogans, with larger than life hands and jingles, "Nobody Saves Like Almighty". Yeah, that's how my brain works, just ask my friends who endured the Gospel Grow fertilizer poster I made back in November. "Saturate your life with the Gospel and watch it grow!" all patterned in Miracle Grow fashion. Cheesy, yes. Truth, even yesser. Thankful that my hubby is as cheesy, or perhaps even cheesier than I am. Yes, that's a lot of cheddar. No, I am not going to keep writing about cheese.
Being dizzy, I may not make a lot of sense, but I will make a few points. Maybe. Here is one, I think; The first time I ever heard God speak to me without a doubt was during the fire of '08. In an exhausted lump of tears and pain, I decided to nap one afternoon in a desperate attempt to turn off the noise in my head. God had another plan. How about a prophetic dream for the girl who won't believe? A dream that only He could ordain. One where I came across a dove with a broken wing, floundering on the floor of a dirt-floored abode in a place I've never been. I watched as the dove flailed around, trying to reach the open square in the wall to the outside, to no avail. I couldn't move in my dream. All I could do is stand there and watch as the dove hurt itself even further in a frenzied attempt at freedom. I couldn't speak, but tears rolled down my face as I watched this beautiful creature try time after time to escape and take to the air. In that moment, His voice. That is what you look like right now. Let me heal you. I WILL heal you. A tender vision, an unforgettable promise. It took me years to take him up on it though. Too broken and afraid to believe anything so good for myself. I used to regret those years, silently berating myself for being so foolish. Tallying the damage I'd caused during that time, thinking pridefully that I did things that were un-doable. But, Mercy. Oh, sweet Mercy. He won't even hear of that kind of talk. When I start to head down memory lane with a basket to pick regrets along the way, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper my name, beckoning me back towards love. I see my Refiner in that blazing fire now, He was standing in it with me all along. Never will I forsake you, my daughter.
So, here I am. In a brand new life, with a brand new last name. With a brand new, Kingdom appointed family. Did getting married miraculously change my life? Was it the answer to my prayers? Am I living a fairy-tale princess, real-life happy ending? Not necessarily. All of it brought me closer to God, because now more than ever, I need Him. I need Him so I can be who my family needs me to be; a loving, kind, gentle, patient, merciful, nurturing and selfless wife and mother. On any given day, I do not wake up as most or any of those things. I am a slow starting, coffee guzzlin', don't-speak-until-I'm-caffeinated, wild-haired heathen. I pray before my feet hit the floor, mostly to spare the other people who might encounter 6 a.m. me, then I praise God for the transformative powers of Christ sometime around 8 a.m.. You see, there is nothing about our flesh that is naturally as loving as our Savior and THAT my friends, is why marriage is making me holier, day by day. I'm my best when I get out of the way and let Christ complete me. I'm my best when I am pressing on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of Jesus Christ (Phillipians 3:14), because it is He who changed my life. It is He who spoke a very gentle truth into places where lies once screamed. My Prince of Peace gets the credit for my dream come true. A life surrendered to God's will. He kept His promise.
My fairy-tale ending happened on a cross at Calvary some 2,000 years ago. Who needs any other?
*****I started this blog post almost 3 weeks ago, but was unable to finish it. Since then the vertigo is gone and I'm steadier than I have ever been. Why? Because I'm standing on God's word. You should try it if you're feeling unsteady.*****
First, I have vertigo. Real live, feels-like-the-Earth-is-moving-under-my-feet, vertigo.
Second, I am now a married woman. Real live, with-this-ring-I-do-wed, married.
The second came before the first, but they equally have my head spinning. Vertigo has an odd way of making you very no-nonsense, allowing only the most relevant of thoughts to pass through your off-kilter noggin. Multi-tasking becomes near impossible as the very real effort of staying upright wins out over even considering walking and talking at the same time. I now understand how Paul, having arrived shipwrecked in Malta after being tossed about on the highs seas, was able to shake a viper off into a fire with such casual regard. He didn't have the capacity to think about it or time to worry about such nuisances as venom or possible death, he was trying to keep from going tail over teakettle. The natives were standing around waiting for Paul to swell up and keel over and when that didn't happen they deemed him a god. Paul wasn't a god though, He just knew the One and True extremely well (Acts 27 & 28). Besides, nobody has time for snakes when they are focused on putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get to their destiny. There is a sermon in that last sentence somewhere, I will have to revisit it when I have less sideways momentum. Where I was going with all this was straight to God. I know He is in this somewhere. The "I'm newly married and disoriented" thing seems just TOO obvious and I am trying to discern how my first few days as a dizzy Mrs. play out, Kingdom style. I have faith that there is a reason.
This is my second marriage. In fact, the first perished in an enormously destructive fire in 2008. It wasn't fireproofed nor insured and the damage was counted as "totaled" when the final papers were signed. Now, seven years later, God is returning to me all that was lost and then way more. The Almighty had His own insurance on my life and even though I wasn't aware of the coverage back then, I have a pretty good idea now that this term comes with all sorts of "perks". In my mind I see a variety of clever ads and slogans, with larger than life hands and jingles, "Nobody Saves Like Almighty". Yeah, that's how my brain works, just ask my friends who endured the Gospel Grow fertilizer poster I made back in November. "Saturate your life with the Gospel and watch it grow!" all patterned in Miracle Grow fashion. Cheesy, yes. Truth, even yesser. Thankful that my hubby is as cheesy, or perhaps even cheesier than I am. Yes, that's a lot of cheddar. No, I am not going to keep writing about cheese.
Being dizzy, I may not make a lot of sense, but I will make a few points. Maybe. Here is one, I think; The first time I ever heard God speak to me without a doubt was during the fire of '08. In an exhausted lump of tears and pain, I decided to nap one afternoon in a desperate attempt to turn off the noise in my head. God had another plan. How about a prophetic dream for the girl who won't believe? A dream that only He could ordain. One where I came across a dove with a broken wing, floundering on the floor of a dirt-floored abode in a place I've never been. I watched as the dove flailed around, trying to reach the open square in the wall to the outside, to no avail. I couldn't move in my dream. All I could do is stand there and watch as the dove hurt itself even further in a frenzied attempt at freedom. I couldn't speak, but tears rolled down my face as I watched this beautiful creature try time after time to escape and take to the air. In that moment, His voice. That is what you look like right now. Let me heal you. I WILL heal you. A tender vision, an unforgettable promise. It took me years to take him up on it though. Too broken and afraid to believe anything so good for myself. I used to regret those years, silently berating myself for being so foolish. Tallying the damage I'd caused during that time, thinking pridefully that I did things that were un-doable. But, Mercy. Oh, sweet Mercy. He won't even hear of that kind of talk. When I start to head down memory lane with a basket to pick regrets along the way, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper my name, beckoning me back towards love. I see my Refiner in that blazing fire now, He was standing in it with me all along. Never will I forsake you, my daughter.
So, here I am. In a brand new life, with a brand new last name. With a brand new, Kingdom appointed family. Did getting married miraculously change my life? Was it the answer to my prayers? Am I living a fairy-tale princess, real-life happy ending? Not necessarily. All of it brought me closer to God, because now more than ever, I need Him. I need Him so I can be who my family needs me to be; a loving, kind, gentle, patient, merciful, nurturing and selfless wife and mother. On any given day, I do not wake up as most or any of those things. I am a slow starting, coffee guzzlin', don't-speak-until-I'm-caffeinated, wild-haired heathen. I pray before my feet hit the floor, mostly to spare the other people who might encounter 6 a.m. me, then I praise God for the transformative powers of Christ sometime around 8 a.m.. You see, there is nothing about our flesh that is naturally as loving as our Savior and THAT my friends, is why marriage is making me holier, day by day. I'm my best when I get out of the way and let Christ complete me. I'm my best when I am pressing on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of Jesus Christ (Phillipians 3:14), because it is He who changed my life. It is He who spoke a very gentle truth into places where lies once screamed. My Prince of Peace gets the credit for my dream come true. A life surrendered to God's will. He kept His promise.
My fairy-tale ending happened on a cross at Calvary some 2,000 years ago. Who needs any other?
*****I started this blog post almost 3 weeks ago, but was unable to finish it. Since then the vertigo is gone and I'm steadier than I have ever been. Why? Because I'm standing on God's word. You should try it if you're feeling unsteady.*****
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Number One Fan
This isn't what I am supposed to be doing right now. Not by the standards of worldly order, anyhow.
There is a simple thought creating a consuming fire in me though. A thought that is about to gnaw it's way out of me if I don't turn loose of it.
You know those "God" moments when there is nothing coincidental happening and you keep getting the same message over and over and over and over again until you absolutely cannot ignore it? Yeah, so do I. They are mysterious and beautiful, yet sometimes you know that your heart is about to get a fine tuning of divine proportions when that knock keeps coming. Mine came today. What a glorious ache it caused, too.
The Holy Spirit kept leading me to scriptures about the death and resurrection of Christ. I kept chalking it up to it being Lent, Holy Week, etc. I should have known that I was supposed to go deeper. Finally, I did. As I sat and soaked in the images of a dying God-man, my heart filled with love. Then anguish. Then despair. In my despair I was yelling at the cowardly disciples. Unable to understand how anyone could just walk away from that scene and not have their hearts ripped from their cages. Then I remembered that not everyone walked away.
Mary Magdalene. Mary, the mother of Jesus. The women. John. The ones who followed Him where ever His blessed feet led. Then the moment of epiphany; I would've been a Jesus groupie too. I would've followed Him anywhere. Everywhere. Can't follow Him into the temple? Okay, I will wait outside and swoon at the first glimpse of His face. Not supposed to be in here washing His feet with my hair? Call security. Don't like it when I let someone else do the work while I sit at His feet and lose myself in the sound of His voice? My bad. Have your people contact my people. Yeah, I'm trying to peek in the tomb, I just want to see Him one more time. No, I don't need medication.
You see where I am going with this? You cannot encounter the person of Jesus Christ and ever be the same. It kind of blows my mind that He didn't have a Beatles-like entourage following Him everywhere He went. No, instead Jesus had Pilate the Bounty Hunter putting a price on His head. Because of me. And you. Because of two people who engaged in conversation with a snake (who does that anyways??) and ate some bad fruit.
Unfortunately, that snake is still slitherin' about with a fang-faced vengeance. However, in my most humble opinion, the "fall" wasn't the most pivotal plot twist in the Holy Bible. The "rise" was. An empty tomb spoke louder than that snake could ever dare. The emptiness of a grave is what makes my life full. This thought is the one that haunts me though...
Why do I hesitate to follow Christ where ever He leads me in the now? Why do I feel like I would follow Him in the "then"? He has shown me through bloody tears, pierced hands and a pale, lifeless body that He loves me. What more do I want? Do I ask my Savior to prove it to me further and with such little regard to what He has already done for me? Father, forgive me. Do I continue to weigh the "gifts" God has trusted me with against their fruits? Father, forgive me. I'm being soul-bearing honest here and I hope you are too. I don't want to follow Christ because of what might be in it for me. I want to follow Christ because with Him, I am free to be me. The best version of me. Would Mary Magdalene have any reservations following Jesus now? Something tells me, no. To her, there was no alternative. She knew where He delivered her from and there was NO going back. Sister, I'm with you! Impart that devoted spirit to me, convict my heart towards love, truth, life and help me to shake that snake off into the fire! My talents cannot be buried and I'm no slave to an unkind master, I am free and love is my master. I just want to know Him. To be a part of His inner circle and recline at the table. Just a little longer...
So yeah, a simple thought has my heart on fire for my Savior in a new way. I can sit and ponder His pale, tortured, bloodless body or I can claim the blood that poured out for me and rejoice in His risen body. From the grave He rose, from the throne He reigns and from now until forever, He lives. As I let go of the ways that I've learned to protect myself and trust in Jesus, I am finding a sense of completeness. A sense of purpose. A sense of what living is all about. Others. Not me. Not my happiness. My happiness comes in feeling the Holy Spirit of my Savior thriving in my being and being able to recognize that the gifts He gave me, they are a part of Him. The very character of Jesus is alive in the gifts He so earnestly gave me. They won't be buried. They won't be put into a file for a later date. These gifts are given so we can literally love the hell out of our neighbors. Just like He did for us.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not really a fan. I'm a follower.
"Love one another as I have loved you."
There is a simple thought creating a consuming fire in me though. A thought that is about to gnaw it's way out of me if I don't turn loose of it.
You know those "God" moments when there is nothing coincidental happening and you keep getting the same message over and over and over and over again until you absolutely cannot ignore it? Yeah, so do I. They are mysterious and beautiful, yet sometimes you know that your heart is about to get a fine tuning of divine proportions when that knock keeps coming. Mine came today. What a glorious ache it caused, too.
The Holy Spirit kept leading me to scriptures about the death and resurrection of Christ. I kept chalking it up to it being Lent, Holy Week, etc. I should have known that I was supposed to go deeper. Finally, I did. As I sat and soaked in the images of a dying God-man, my heart filled with love. Then anguish. Then despair. In my despair I was yelling at the cowardly disciples. Unable to understand how anyone could just walk away from that scene and not have their hearts ripped from their cages. Then I remembered that not everyone walked away.
Mary Magdalene. Mary, the mother of Jesus. The women. John. The ones who followed Him where ever His blessed feet led. Then the moment of epiphany; I would've been a Jesus groupie too. I would've followed Him anywhere. Everywhere. Can't follow Him into the temple? Okay, I will wait outside and swoon at the first glimpse of His face. Not supposed to be in here washing His feet with my hair? Call security. Don't like it when I let someone else do the work while I sit at His feet and lose myself in the sound of His voice? My bad. Have your people contact my people. Yeah, I'm trying to peek in the tomb, I just want to see Him one more time. No, I don't need medication.
You see where I am going with this? You cannot encounter the person of Jesus Christ and ever be the same. It kind of blows my mind that He didn't have a Beatles-like entourage following Him everywhere He went. No, instead Jesus had Pilate the Bounty Hunter putting a price on His head. Because of me. And you. Because of two people who engaged in conversation with a snake (who does that anyways??) and ate some bad fruit.
Unfortunately, that snake is still slitherin' about with a fang-faced vengeance. However, in my most humble opinion, the "fall" wasn't the most pivotal plot twist in the Holy Bible. The "rise" was. An empty tomb spoke louder than that snake could ever dare. The emptiness of a grave is what makes my life full. This thought is the one that haunts me though...
Why do I hesitate to follow Christ where ever He leads me in the now? Why do I feel like I would follow Him in the "then"? He has shown me through bloody tears, pierced hands and a pale, lifeless body that He loves me. What more do I want? Do I ask my Savior to prove it to me further and with such little regard to what He has already done for me? Father, forgive me. Do I continue to weigh the "gifts" God has trusted me with against their fruits? Father, forgive me. I'm being soul-bearing honest here and I hope you are too. I don't want to follow Christ because of what might be in it for me. I want to follow Christ because with Him, I am free to be me. The best version of me. Would Mary Magdalene have any reservations following Jesus now? Something tells me, no. To her, there was no alternative. She knew where He delivered her from and there was NO going back. Sister, I'm with you! Impart that devoted spirit to me, convict my heart towards love, truth, life and help me to shake that snake off into the fire! My talents cannot be buried and I'm no slave to an unkind master, I am free and love is my master. I just want to know Him. To be a part of His inner circle and recline at the table. Just a little longer...
So yeah, a simple thought has my heart on fire for my Savior in a new way. I can sit and ponder His pale, tortured, bloodless body or I can claim the blood that poured out for me and rejoice in His risen body. From the grave He rose, from the throne He reigns and from now until forever, He lives. As I let go of the ways that I've learned to protect myself and trust in Jesus, I am finding a sense of completeness. A sense of purpose. A sense of what living is all about. Others. Not me. Not my happiness. My happiness comes in feeling the Holy Spirit of my Savior thriving in my being and being able to recognize that the gifts He gave me, they are a part of Him. The very character of Jesus is alive in the gifts He so earnestly gave me. They won't be buried. They won't be put into a file for a later date. These gifts are given so we can literally love the hell out of our neighbors. Just like He did for us.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not really a fan. I'm a follower.
"Love one another as I have loved you."
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Chocolate Covered Repentance
When words come out of our mouths, they take on a life of their own. Funny how a combination of letters and sounds, consonants and vowels can hold so much power. They can be twisted, manipulated and emphasized to either do harm or good. Too often I find myself marveling at how my sarcasm doesn't translate so well via text message. Or how a comment made from the best parts of my heart could carry a barb that stings the ears it falls on. Intentional or not, I find these moments to be among the most uncomfortable and I will mourn the inflicted until my heart bursts. Why am I so sensitive about this? Because I know who I am. I know the strongest gift God blessed me with. Mercy. And I am an encourager. It is my weapon of choice against that delusional dragon. Jesus did say that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks"(Matthew 12:34). If my heart is overflowing with love, grace and mercy, so will my lips to encourage. Why?
The word encourage has a secret.
It has courage in it. Literally.
Courage is what knights mustered up to save damsels in distress. Courage is what John Wayne described as "being scared to death, but saddling up anyways". Courage is the very strength Jesus bore that cross on His battered flesh with. Because He had faith that God knew the best and only way to save our bleak souls from the death we brought upon ourselves named "sin".
When Jesus rolled a stone away from a borrowed tomb, He filled us with the courage to look evil in the eye and say, "where's your sting?". Have you read the High Priestly Prayer lately? Hours before Jesus died, He petitioned God to keep believers safe from the evil one. As Jesus faced death, He interceded to our Heavenly Father to protect us from sin AND that the very love God has for Him be in us.
Yet, we barely have the courage to give up chocolate for 40 days. If that stung, I apologize. I encourage you to go a little deeper and understand that Lent isn't about finding some trivial thing to "sacrifice" so you can joke about it with your friends. Lent is a season of reflection on our weakness and dependence on the Almighty God. It is a way to fast from our insecurities and feast on Grace. Engorge ourselves with truth and the ability to bravely call upon our Abba Father to forgive our ever wicked flesh. Think your flesh isn't wicked? Repent of pride then and swallow it down. Follow it up with a huge gulp love He will pour down for doing so.
Lent has me studying love. Repentance. Resurrection. Not because I want to know about Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to know that when I open my mouth, I am saying what He is saying. Let me have the courage to announce the victory of my Savior by the way I love others. Because sometimes it is so much more than what you say, often it is how you love them. How much grace you have for them in their messiest moments, the mercy you show when they want to look away in shame. The gentle touch of fellowship and the simple acknowledgement that while we are imperfect, we can look to Christ who is perfect.
Announce the victory by acknowledging your failures and turning away from them and by not rubbing someone else's nose in their own. Shout it with the kind word you use to build someone up when they least expect it. Sing it at the top of your lungs by smiling at a stranger who looks like they can use a little courage. Be all there with the people you love, all the time. Have the courage to turn down the distractions, walk away from the argument or repair a relationship that never should have come undone.
More than anything, have the courage to trust in the very God who brought you to life. Even if you can't see the light right now, do not stop being it. Draw your sword and encourage yourself, your family, your friends, your co-workers, your enemies and your world by the way you love. Think you can't make a difference? Have the courage to tell that thought to go back to the hell it came from. Jesus Christ didn't rise from the grave so you could live in defeat. Whatever it is you might be facing, I'm going to ask you to speak to it. Tell it this, "This time, I trust in the Lord". You won't be forsaken. You won't be let down. You will announce the victory you've been praying for and all of Heaven will rejoice with you.
My identity is firmly rooted in faith. Even if my mouth gets me into trouble, I can rest assured that my heart is what God is interested in. It is a heart convicted to serve Him, because complacency just doesn't taste good anymore. Not since I learned who I am.
I am Heaven's Daughter. Courageous and dangerous with a sword of truth.
If you aren't sure of who you are, I encourage you to find out, too. In the meantime, read this;
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry "Abba Father!" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God." Romans 8:14-16
His word is alive and so am I.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
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