"My story is His story."
That's somewhat how I started out the other night. To be honest, some of the lesser details are a little fuzzy.
Sitting in a room with a group of teenagers and a few adults, I jumped off the diving board and dove deep down into my story. His story. My testimony.
It felt a little like doing a cannonball and a lot like getting water all up my nose. It burned, I sputtered and finally I was able to catch my breath and let the cool, calming presence of the Holy Spirit surround me. There were only a couple of moments when I momentarily forgot how to swim, but my Life Preserver is hands-down, THE best. Thank you for never letting go of me.
A very wise friend* once warned me that when you have a testimony that includes forms of abuse or neglect, you sometimes find yourself using it as a weapon of self preservation and defense and often as a way to re-victimize yourself. I didn't entirely understand at the time what she meant because I was a fairly new believer and still felt all warm and fuzzy about my new found salvation. Don't get me wrong, I still have the warm fuzzies about Jesus (umm, hello? Have you read my 20 previous posts?). It's just that I was so overjoyed about the transformation taking place inside of me that I couldn't imagine using my past as a way to keep people at arm's length. I was ready to love everyone!! Nothing could touch me, why would I try to defend myself from love? Yeah, it all seemed so easy. Until the moment I heard myself say, "I don't deserve any more pain" in response to a situation that obviously was making me feel vulnerable, followed by the familiar smell of brick and mortar that only professional wall-builders recognize. Defenses, up.
Sitting in front of this group though, my friend's warning finally made complete sense. I wouldn't dare put up a wall between me and these kids, they didn't deserve that. Looking out at the familiar faces staring back at me, all my defenses wilted and with every fiber of my being, I prayed that God would use me to speak hope, joy, triumph and love into their lives. I prayed that God would protect me from myself and that I would be an effective vessel for His Kingdom.
For the very first time, I gave my testimony without an agenda for myself. I wanted it only for them.
With shaky hands and a racing heart, I showed the scars of my life. I spoke of the consuming darkness I lived in and braved through when I just wanted to skim over certain trials about my past that I wished they'd never know about. Yeah, I wanted to build a wall around some it, but the wrecking ball of grace busted through and the restoration of mercy went to work.
With shaky hands and a small smile, I finished my testimony and stepped down from the stage directly into a hug from a young girl sitting in the front row. Thank you Father for a love that never ends.
For almost a year, I have spent most Sunday afternoons with this group of teens. I'm sure they assume that I am there because I haughtily believe I can teach them something. I would never presume to be so foolish, but I doubt they know how they've totally screwed up my plans of becoming a fabulous hermit someday. Or how much they have taught me about love, acceptance and joy. I'm happy to report that I can never go back to my quiet Sunday afternoons now that they've welcomed a wannabe loner into their loud and often goofy fold and that even though I would never tell them to their faces and utterly embarrass them, I think they're stinkin' precious. Yep, I'm ruined. In the best possible way.
Gracefully.
Thank you Father for this gift.
*My wise friend has a testimony that is life-changing and hope-bringing in epic proportions. I am thoroughly convinced that she has a bejeweled crown in Heaven waiting on her that we, here on Earth, cannot even imagine the splendor of. If you haven't heard Tajuan McCarty's story or the incredible work of restoration that she's set out to fulfill, please do yourselves a favor and check out her ministry at http://the-wellhouse.org/about-us/ and prepare to have your heart opened by the mercy being poured out there. Tajuan's courage is inspiring and I humbly thank her for allowing me to share her wisdom in my little corner of the 'net.
"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11
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