My world is turned upside down right now. In more ways than one.
First, I have vertigo. Real live, feels-like-the-Earth-is-moving-under-my-feet, vertigo.
Second, I am now a married woman. Real live, with-this-ring-I-do-wed, married.
The second came before the first, but they equally have my head spinning. Vertigo has an odd way of making you very no-nonsense, allowing only the most relevant of thoughts to pass through your off-kilter noggin. Multi-tasking becomes near impossible as the very real effort of staying upright wins out over even considering walking and talking at the same time. I now understand how Paul, having arrived shipwrecked in Malta after being tossed about on the highs seas, was able to shake a viper off into a fire with such casual regard. He didn't have the capacity to think about it or time to worry about such nuisances as venom or possible death, he was trying to keep from going tail over teakettle. The natives were standing around waiting for Paul to swell up and keel over and when that didn't happen they deemed him a god. Paul wasn't a god though, He just knew the One and True extremely well (Acts 27 & 28). Besides, nobody has time for snakes when they are focused on putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get to their destiny. There is a sermon in that last sentence somewhere, I will have to revisit it when I have less sideways momentum. Where I was going with all this was straight to God. I know He is in this somewhere. The "I'm newly married and disoriented" thing seems just TOO obvious and I am trying to discern how my first few days as a dizzy Mrs. play out, Kingdom style. I have faith that there is a reason.
This is my second marriage. In fact, the first perished in an enormously destructive fire in 2008. It wasn't fireproofed nor insured and the damage was counted as "totaled" when the final papers were signed. Now, seven years later, God is returning to me all that was lost and then way more. The Almighty had His own insurance on my life and even though I wasn't aware of the coverage back then, I have a pretty good idea now that this term comes with all sorts of "perks". In my mind I see a variety of clever ads and slogans, with larger than life hands and jingles, "Nobody Saves Like Almighty". Yeah, that's how my brain works, just ask my friends who endured the Gospel Grow fertilizer poster I made back in November. "Saturate your life with the Gospel and watch it grow!" all patterned in Miracle Grow fashion. Cheesy, yes. Truth, even yesser. Thankful that my hubby is as cheesy, or perhaps even cheesier than I am. Yes, that's a lot of cheddar. No, I am not going to keep writing about cheese.
Being dizzy, I may not make a lot of sense, but I will make a few points. Maybe. Here is one, I think; The first time I ever heard God speak to me without a doubt was during the fire of '08. In an exhausted lump of tears and pain, I decided to nap one afternoon in a desperate attempt to turn off the noise in my head. God had another plan. How about a prophetic dream for the girl who won't believe? A dream that only He could ordain. One where I came across a dove with a broken wing, floundering on the floor of a dirt-floored abode in a place I've never been. I watched as the dove flailed around, trying to reach the open square in the wall to the outside, to no avail. I couldn't move in my dream. All I could do is stand there and watch as the dove hurt itself even further in a frenzied attempt at freedom. I couldn't speak, but tears rolled down my face as I watched this beautiful creature try time after time to escape and take to the air. In that moment, His voice. That is what you look like right now. Let me heal you. I WILL heal you. A tender vision, an unforgettable promise. It took me years to take him up on it though. Too broken and afraid to believe anything so good for myself. I used to regret those years, silently berating myself for being so foolish. Tallying the damage I'd caused during that time, thinking pridefully that I did things that were un-doable. But, Mercy. Oh, sweet Mercy. He won't even hear of that kind of talk. When I start to head down memory lane with a basket to pick regrets along the way, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper my name, beckoning me back towards love. I see my Refiner in that blazing fire now, He was standing in it with me all along. Never will I forsake you, my daughter.
So, here I am. In a brand new life, with a brand new last name. With a brand new, Kingdom appointed family. Did getting married miraculously change my life? Was it the answer to my prayers? Am I living a fairy-tale princess, real-life happy ending? Not necessarily. All of it brought me closer to God, because now more than ever, I need Him. I need Him so I can be who my family needs me to be; a loving, kind, gentle, patient, merciful, nurturing and selfless wife and mother. On any given day, I do not wake up as most or any of those things. I am a slow starting, coffee guzzlin', don't-speak-until-I'm-caffeinated, wild-haired heathen. I pray before my feet hit the floor, mostly to spare the other people who might encounter 6 a.m. me, then I praise God for the transformative powers of Christ sometime around 8 a.m.. You see, there is nothing about our flesh that is naturally as loving as our Savior and THAT my friends, is why marriage is making me holier, day by day. I'm my best when I get out of the way and let Christ complete me. I'm my best when I am pressing on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of Jesus Christ (Phillipians 3:14), because it is He who changed my life. It is He who spoke a very gentle truth into places where lies once screamed. My Prince of Peace gets the credit for my dream come true. A life surrendered to God's will. He kept His promise.
My fairy-tale ending happened on a cross at Calvary some 2,000 years ago. Who needs any other?
*****I started this blog post almost 3 weeks ago, but was unable to finish it. Since then the vertigo is gone and I'm steadier than I have ever been. Why? Because I'm standing on God's word. You should try it if you're feeling unsteady.*****
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