That Church Thing

There's this friend I've known since high school who I still keep in touch with, regardless of the 2,000 miles between us. 

We've both changed tremendously since the days of backyard parties and stumbling through the awkward hurry-up and wait phase of a 90's kid in Southern California. Back then, we were always in a hurry to get to the next stage of our lives, but caught in the limbo of growing up too fast and not wanting to be grown up.  Bands like Bad Religion and NOFX had us thinking we were expected to stand up against "the man", all while trying to figure out how to get three bucks to pitch in for gas to get to a party where the cops were always going to show up and someone was always going to get sick in the back seat while making a hasty getaway. There's a weird juxtaposition that happens when you live like that; you know right, you do wrong and then you get up and do it all again in the morning. The whole time, waiting to be somebody, someday.  For some, the parties never ended and you can still find them with a beer can in hand every Friday or Saturday night reliving a past that forgot about them. For others, they actually did the very thing we wanted and feared the most. They grew up and made something out of themselves. Then, the ones who never even made it out alive. All I know is that I have been all three at some point in time. Somehow, this one friendship survived it all in tact though. I believe it comes from a common confusion of wanting to conform without ever really conforming. Also built upon a deep love for pasta, family and adventure. 

The truth is, we both believe in mercy, friend. Looking back, we were both big-hearted saps cloaked as free-spirits who didn't care about anything but freedom. As Janis Joplin breathed out in all her rasp on your 18th birthday, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose".  I think we both learned that life doesn't start when you hit 18, it really starts when buying into our own freedom leaves us bankrupt. When that thought of "when does life start for me?" played louder in our heads than any one concert that we'd ever been to. Girl, I think we both learned that this life is about so much more than we ever imagined.

Now, you ask me this question after so many years of living spiritually bankrupt, "So what made you decide to do the church thing?". 

I haven't decided to do the "church thing". I knew when you asked that, exactly which church thing you were talking about.  The very one that I avoided as a teenager and still avoid now. It's the one where your life must appear perfect and is basically a club of fellow legalists who forget to send the invitation to the dude who showed up last week reeking of whiskey and bad choices. Because there are other churches for "those kinds of people". I know the church you're asking about too well. No, I don't do that church thing. 

Friend, I love you. I'm going to give you the most honest and raw answer I've got without sounding too churchy or Christianese. 

I AM a Jesus thing. 

Church is a place I serve God, worship and pray. 

A couple of thousand years ago, God wanted me to know how much He loves me and wanted me to stop acting like a self-centered beast-child, so he put on some skin and came down here when He could have stayed in Heaven and just watched me self-destruct. He faced everything that tries to kill me and put it in its rightful place because He has that power. He healed the sick, blind, deaf, mute, dying, dead and demon-possessed all while knowing that a painful day was coming, leaving his ravaged body nailed on a tree. When really, it should've been me. I couldn't tell you in a million years why Jesus loves me that much, especially after all of the ridiculous stuff I have done or especially after I told Him that I didn't believe in Him anyways, but He does. It truly freaks me out in a tremendous way. Friend, I fumbled around for years looking for love like that in the wrong places, you've witnessed some of that. When I finally exhausted those options, He still wanted me. Jesus still loved me when there wasn't anything lovable left about me and showed me that He doesn't even see me the way I deserve to be seen. He sees the best in me and shows up every day to remind me of that. I've grown to love Jesus so much that it is difficult to comprehend letting Him down after all He's done for me. The beautiful and unfathomable truth is that when I do fall, we work it out and He puts me right back up on my feet, never making me feel ashamed. Nobody else loves me like that and once I accepted that love, I realized that I was created for it. There was a time before I was born when He knew me and there is a time I will return to God, joyfully. That thing I had been missing all along wasn't a "church thing". It was Jesus. 

Yes, there is still the question about His church. There in lies your answer. Once my heart was set on Jesus, I wanted to know His church. Sadly, in this world, many of them posture themselves to look like one, but they don't truly love like one. If you've experienced this, I'm sorry. I know when I did, I was left feeling worse than when I went it and as lost as ever. Jesus himself knew this would happen. That's why He sent His Holy Spirit to help us. I'm sure you've heard of this, or the Holy Ghost. Some people refer to it differently. I remember conjuring up an image of some ghastly, dead Pope following me around condemning me for everything I did wrong and shaking a rosary over my damned head. Hey, that was a biblical use of that word, get off the judgment seat already! I marvel that it is nothing like that, it is the sweetest infilling of peace, love and joy that I've ever known. The pure stuff, not the counterfeit the world tries to sell you. It is the very spirit of a Savior. The thoughts of a God who is all light and love. He's nothing like I thought and I want everyone to know that, to know Him. I gather with others who feel like I do and we encourage, build up and love on each other through this life thing and do our best to show that when He lives inside of us, its not about us. We do our best to carry out what God designed us to do, but we get that we are human. God knows how hard this life is, how scary it can be and He is merciful. The church should be too. It is about bringing others into this same love and showing them the real face of God that the devil doesn't want us to know and the world will distort. Church is a corporate gathering of grace, mercy, love and repentance when it is at it's best. It becomes a place of shame, guilt and condemnation when people forget about the relationship with Jesus and take it to a place of religious legalism. Where we grew up, churches are fewer and harder to find, I remember. I'm fortunate that God took me and plopped me down right in the middle of the Bible Belt, where the soil is rich and good for sowing seeds and you see the fruits of laborers past. Churches grow here like clusters of grapes and are ripe with love. Yeah, it took me coming here to uproot the weeds of my heart, but the beauty of the vine that is reaching out towards the Son is breathtaking. I barely recognize myself anymore, I see someone I never knew I could be and it is well with my soul. So well. Know this though, whenever you seek Him, He will be there waiting for you. Wherever He has plopped you. 

I've learned from reading the Bible every day that not everyone will have the same ardor for Jesus as those of us who truly belong to Him. He said some stuff that makes my head spin, wasn't always the most popular guy, but He freed people from death and sin and gave them peace.  I don't believe in the same notions of the world that I once believed in. I don't compromise God's word for a dead world, because my heart is purposed for Him. Not because I am afraid of His wrath or scared to believe in anything else; I have a relationship with my God and if you've ever had a relationship, you know that it isn't one sided. He doesn't dictate rules and commandments to me to rule His Almighty power over me. He gives me statutes so that I can love others effectively. The burden, pressure and stress of controlling my own life lessens as I surrender to God, who created everything out of nothing. Why wouldn't I want the God who fashioned things like Saturn and ladybugs, belly laughs and chocolate chip cookie dough to take the reigns for me? Obviously, He's got it going on far better than I could even attempt. What gets people tripped up though is that their expectations of people get so high and their knowledge of who God really is and what Jesus really means gets too low. It is easy to do, people are right here in front of our faces, jacking up our own little kingdoms every day and demanding things from us that we don't want to give. If the only example we ever give ourselves is what the world sells us on, life or death and all eternity become relative. Where's the purpose? Isn't that the question we all want to know? I will give you a hint, it isn't in being happy and having all of the things we want or even in our spouses, children or jobs. Remember the last time someone said something kind to you and life suddenly didn't feel so hard? Remember how good it felt when you found out you could make your child laugh? Purpose is hidden in those moments, friend. To this day, you still have one of the most joyful laughs and smiles I have ever witnessed. Thank you for asking this question. I hope I answered it in a way that brings that smile to the surface.  

It's an inevitable question these days as I now wear my cross as proudly as some remember me wearing band t-shirts, torn up jeans and Doc Martens. I knew the question would come though and I'm glad. If nothing else, it means that I made it out alive. Just in the most unexpected way; set apart. 

P.S.-My friend, there is this dude named Peter in the Bible who is totally awesome. He gets all bent out of shape and says crazy stuff, screws up and then feels really bad. Jesus had to have asked at least once, "Is this guy Sicilian?". Turns out, he was the one Jesus trusted most to build His church. 

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as the Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Attitude of Gratitude

So, this isn't going to be about me.

It's all about you. I don't know many of you, but I know that one year ago today, God told me to sit down and write and I did. One of my better examples of obedience to date, but as is the nature of our Almighty, He gave me something I never expected. Couldn't even dream of.

He gave me over 2,200 of you in over 30 countries. That's about 1,180 more of you reading my ramblings than I ever expected. That's a beautiful you, sitting in MANY places I've only dreamed of going and some I'd probably be too afraid to venture into to. I have learned more about the world because of you. This is a thankful me saying;

Whoever you are, I humbly appreciate your time. I hope I haven't let Jesus down in representing Him as the loveliest being that ever graced not only the world's presence, but my own. Truly, I say to you (going to borrow His favorite intro), if you haven't experienced Jesus Christ yet, you can. Right where you are whether it is in Kazakhstan or Mozambique, you can invite Him right into your heart. Even though I may not know where you are, He does and He's ready and able to show you the love you've always wanted. It really is that easy.

So, Poland, Ukraine, France, Turkey, United Kingdom, Bulgaria, Brazil, Canada, China, India, Scotland, Greece, Hungary, Portugal, Spain, Ireland, Germany, Kazakhstan, Fiji, Australia, El Salvador, Venezuela, Indonesia, Romania, Netherlands, Argentina, Taiwan, Mozambique, Russia, the United State of America and Malaysia; This Gospel loving girl loves you. You've shown me a glimpse of just how far and how wide God's love really is.

Thank You.


Heavenly Father, I pray that every person reading this would know the salvation available through your Son, Jesus Christ. We have witnessed the lengths you will go to in order to bring your lost sheep home. Father, let me glorify you with the words I place here and impart to every person reading this, a sense of peace and love in all they do for your Kingdom. Give them courage, give them the boldness to approach the Lion of the Judah and bury their faces in His mane and know Your unending love. For it is you who holds the power to tear down every dark power and stronghold, it is You who sets us free. Thank you for your mercy and goodness for your grace and love that is available to all. Let us receive it, in Jesus' name. Amen. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Confession time; I can be a little bratty in the romance department. Entitled even. How did I get this way? Oh yeah...

Years of reading saucy romance novels and watching happy-ending-only chick flicks led me down a red rose petal dotted path of steam and fluff. Combine that with not having a daily father figure in my life to show me the practicalities of love, only the exaggerated holiday or infrequent weekend varieties which included ginormous teddy bears and trips to amusement parks to ease the pain of absence and you end up with one very skewed idea of what love looks like. It looks like flowers, extravagant gifts and mix-tapes (this shows my age) of sappy love ballads that you play on repeat. It can also look a lot like candlelit dinners, hand in hand walks down the beach and lots and lots of melodramatic fights, tears and pouting followed by reconciliation and empty promises made in between smothering kisses and high intensity emotions that wax and wane with the moon. This, my friends, is not romance. This is setting a stage, handing over a script and demanding action, but it is not what love really looks like. That's all the makings of infatuation.

When my husband and I first met, he admitted to not being the most romantic guy on the planet. The first time he bought flowers for me while we were dating, he put them in a vase on his dining room table and flippantly mentioned that they were for me. Two days after I had noticed them while at his house for dinner. They never made it to my house. Not even kidding. Then there was my birthday when I got all dressed up (dress, boots, great hair!!!) because he said we had some things to do. We went to Lowe's. So he could do yard work. Which was followed by a nap. We ended up going out to dinner that night, but I had already wilted and it was a rather quiet meal. Lots of pouting. Needless to say, there wasn't an abundance of sap or fluff and for a period of time, I questioned whether I could continue on because he seemed so oblivious to my needs. What made me happy. What made me feel valued and loved. What made me feel important. Do you notice a theme yet?

Me, me, me and more me. It was all about me.

But, who am I? 

I was robbed of the love I needed to flourish and be secure as a child and never knew who I was or grew into the person God created me to be. I learned to perform for love, to survive on a diet of small encouragements here and there and desperately wanted to be perfect in hopes that someone, anyone would find me acceptable. I couldn't be me because I was deeply involved in being who I thought could be loved. I never got to know myself and if there was any hint of anything in me that someone didn't respond to or like, death to it! Not acceptable. The pressure was unreal. The desperation was dysfunctional.The result; a grossly malnourished idea of what love really is and who I really am. I was stuck in a cycle of constantly trying to prove myself. 

Don't ever underestimate the value in knowing yourself, in feeling secure. Insecurities will take root and sprout up strangling weeds in your heart so quickly that you won't even realize when you're fertilizing them with selfishness. It isn't malicious and it isn't intentional. We were created for love, but when we are robbed of the stuff that makes us thrive, we substitute love with a lot of other messy junk that clogs the flow that love is truly suppose to follow; outwards. All I knew is that people taught me that love looked like things, typically given out of emotion and emotions come and go. I learned to desperately take dysfunctional love and pant for more, wildly clinging to the notion that it was the last I was going to get. Love isn't an emotion, nor is it anything that should be begged or dangled in front of us like the proverbial carrot. 

Love is a promise that we either choose to accept or ignore. Whether we acknowledge it, fight it or fly from it, it stays the same. 1 John 4:8 tells us, "Whoever does not love, does not know God, for God is love" (ESV, emphasis by me). So let me ask you; are you actively giving love or are you actively manipulating your surroundings to get love? There is no shame in this getting part, please know this. We all do it. But, the word "does" is an ongoing kind of action. The word "is" is an unchangeable fact. If you are not doing, then you cannot know what "is". Are you lost yet? Me too. Fo' shizzle. Basically, if you are sitting around not dishing the stuff out like God does, then it is no wonder you aren't feeling or receiving it. You have to know His character to understand one very solid truth, you can't get away from love, He's always giving it and He wants you to be just like Him. Jesus was a dirty footed carpenter with a knack for rhetoric and political incorrectness from an awkward dot on the map and yet He loved more effectively than anyone else in the history of ever without giving a single red rose or box of chocolates. His love looked like parables, casting out demons, walking on water (okay, that's pretty mushy when a guy will walk on water to get to you) and laying His blessed hands on a dead man to resurrect him. God's love looked like a brutal sacrifice and scandalous grace hanging from a cross. His blood, reflecting all that we mean to Him and that He would trade Heaven for us to know it. We live in a post-modern world though and it just doesn't seem all that romantic anymore to intentionally walk out of your way to purposefully show a woman you love her (John 4:7) when you can just pick up a phone and send her an "emoticon". Somewhere along the way, we have forgotten about real effort and elbow-grease in our relationships , replacing Agape with "what about me?".  Guilty, party of one, doing the typing. If grace is an ocean, I need to take these sinner's shoes off and dive in. 

My husband might not have the commercialized market cornered in the romance department, but he certainly has it nailed in the Kingdom area. Looking backwards, I can tell you about the time when I was sick and couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed, so he sent someone over to clean my house. Or when my youngest had his tonsils out and he showed up with a bag of surprises to take his mind off of the pain. There was another time (by time, I mean months) when I was working two jobs and he looked in on my kids to make sure they had dinner and were safe. When the wheel flew off my garbage can, he arrived with zip-ties and determination (this is how he courted me, by the way. Nothing shows interest like a man willing to work on your trashcan). Sitting in the truck to let me listen to the end of a song I love, changing my air filter, servicing my car. These are all ways that I was romanced, only I was too busy looking for the shiny packages and sky-writing to realize it at the time. But this weekend, when I saw him on his hands and knees, barefooted and covered in the dirt and grime of a true labor of love, I realized it. He planted a beautiful garden for me. 

"You deserve a beautiful garden", he said.

God showed us the same kind of love, ya know. He gave us a garden and we chose to look for shiny packages and writing in the sky. Let me not make the same mistake as Eve and forget the beauty of the simplicity, that I don't have to know another way as much as I need to acknowledge and love this way of life. Quiet grit, goofy dancing in the kitchen and a real affinity for Sasquatch are all good with me. This garden of transplanted flowers, it is planted in good soil. The hours and sweat in the August sun, the dirt under your fingernails and the stiff lower back say so because love is sacrificial and you felt I was worthy. 

A wounded vessel of mercy hung on a cross to say so because love is sacrificial and You felt I was worthy. 

Maybe you don't have someone in your life who brings you chocolate covered peanuts or twizzlers, because he knows they are your favorite. Maybe you are in a season of wondering if you ever will. Please, hold on to this anchor of hope; God made a sacrifice for you and has a plan and hope for your future. It is easier to hold on to the flesh of a person, than it is to hope in an invisible God, this I know. But, He promises that He cares for you and will continue to care for you. Put your hopes into prayer and let the Holy Spirit gently lead you into loving God for who He is, not necessarily what gifts He brings you. There is a King in Heaven who died to hear your voice and know His love for you. Let that be enough when your tender heart is yearning for more than this world is offering you. The truth is, I didn't even really know what my needs were until I met Jesus. He redefined them all. 

God, let these truths be enough for me. Let me remember Your character when I want to make it all about me. If humility is caring more about others than ourselves, then I believe that true romance lies in humility. It is the end of ourselves and the outward flow of love that comes from knowing God's character, intimately. God is love. Paul said in best in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. How does it look in real life for me though?

Love is patient when you're weak and throwing punches at invisible fears, fighting something that isn't there anymore.

Love brings you endless kleenex when the fighting wears you down and all you have left are snot and tears.

Love lets your light shine when it is burning bright and doesn't cast a shadow over it. 

Love never makes you feel small, but charges the giant with you. 

Love admits to screwing up sometimes, but earnestly tries to get it right. It doesn't ask you for perfection either, but lets you learn you who are.

Love could raise it's voice, but holds you instead.

Love forgets your mess ups and highlights your step ups. 

Love kicks the devil in the shins and helps you to your knees to reclaim the victory.  

Love says look at the covenant promise circling your finger. 

Love is steadfast, a kiss on the forehead and daydreaming about keeping bees, bucket lists and grandkids. 

Love sees me and still does all of the above. 

This is my romance. And who I am isn't determined by any of this, I realized. It is only the result of who I am. A daughter of the Most High King and if He is love;

Then I am loved. 

Shadow of Myself

I've been staring at this keyboard for what seems like an eternity. Ceiling fan whirring above me, rhythmically keeping time with my breathing. It could lull me to sleep easily, but I am wide awake and wired with conviction. I've tried to get around writing this. I've avoided this post for many reasons, but mostly because while I knew how to start it, I did not know how to finish it.

God revealed the ending to me this very morning. Funny how He does that.

This post is going to hurt. Why? Because I'm going to reveal some things about myself that I do not entirely like. You might find yourself relating or recoiling in disbelief, but either way I ask that you continue on with this simple request; please pray for me. I've been chasing shadows for far too long.

Only the light can hold evidence of the darkness we've been in. Only the blinding, eye-squinting brightness of truth can reveal to us the depth of the caves we hide things in. And let's be honest, sometimes those caves become cozy and we start talking to the shadows and embracing the echoes as truths, even though an echo is only a reminder of something that was said in the past. We mistake them for real voices when we are in those lonely places, don't we? In our most vulnerable state, we let shadows and echoes tell us lies and we accept them for no other reason than this; loneliness is an illusion. More truth? An illusion can only exist if you accept it as your reality. Too many of us have been accepting illusions as realities and inflicting pain on ourselves that God never intended. While this post is mostly female-centric, I encourage any of my male readers to pay attention. You might find yourselves convicted as well.

I hear an echo every day. Every time I look in the mirror, it is audible.  An illusion that has become a reality; I'm not tall, short, skinny, curvy, tan, pale, blonde, brunette, perky, giggly, happy, coy, toned, bouncy, glossed, natural, straight, curly, freckled, unblemished, unwrinkled, smart, funny, nerdy, hip, sexy, pure, rich, nurturing, sassy, sweet....you fill in the blank _______ enough. Every day, the thought that I am not enough, robs me. It leaves me bankrupt of self-acceptance and bereft of self-love. This is tough to admit. I've written about not ever wanting to have it all together, but I admit right here, right now that I would feel a whole bunch better about myself if y'all at least thought I did. Pride is an echo that sing-songs failure and a shadow that thumbs it's nose at me in jest. Why?

As a child, I was made fun of for having unkempt hair, a big nose, shabby clothing, crooked teeth, big lips... the list goes on. I was told I was a burden, I was called ugly. Those are the voices that created the echoes. Voices of people I loved, some from people I didn't even know. Those words died in the air many years ago.  So, why am I still hearing them? Surely, I had people close by who told me that I was pretty? That I was intelligent? But why do those condemning voices get so much air time in my mind? Why is it when I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, I find very little that I like about myself and set out to alter just about everything that I can? Why at 38 years old, do I sit in my shower and cry sometimes because I cannot find anything about myself that I find acceptable? Better question:

What kind of shadow did I make friends with? 

Even better question:

Who benefits from me thinking that everything about myself is wrong?

A quick stroll through the Garden of Eden answers that question. Who has been making women question their value since the beginning of time? A serpent.

Frankly, y'all, I'm tired.

I'm tired of the tricks and schemes that make us question our value. I am genuinely fed up and exhausted by the comparison trap. Any guesses as to who is responsible for that one too? My heart hurts when I see women sizing each other up and the look of defeat or triumph that follows. When did we get into competition with one another and what on Earth are we competing for?!?! Best eyebrows? Most likely to tan evenly? Best snakeskin sandals? Best cameo in a camisole? We have to stop consuming this venom and spitting it at one another and take up our daily bread and let it nourish us from the inside out. How empowered could women be if we actually shed that snakeskin for lamb's skin?  How empowered could we be if we actually congratulated one another for our Christian witness? For being the hands and feet of Christ. The only prize worth striving towards is the upward call of Christ Jesus and yet we rarely compliment one another on the accessory of the glorious Holy Spirit in our lives. Guilty? I am.

This sin of vanity is fueled by a great deceiver. One who knows how powerful the faith and love of a woman is. You cannot shake that woman. You cannot out love or out give a woman who has her heart on fire for Jesus and when her focus is on that cross, there is not a devil in hell that could stop her from what God has called her to. But he will try to distract her, make her take the long way getting there or convince her that maybe she's not the woman for the job. Expect this, but do not be deceived by it. Do. Not. Be. Shaken. I'm preaching to myself too, y'all.  Focus on the sounds of God's loving voice and let the echoes fall away or get lost in the sound of your praise being lifted up to Heaven.

Ladies. Fellas. There are billion dollar industries cashing in on and even creating our echoes and shadows, yet children, thousands of children are dying every single day due to starvation and lack of medical care. I'm buying eyeliner and obsessing over frizzy hair and some poor baby out there doesn't have a single bite of food in her belly. We are obsessing about cellulite, squatting and lunging for hours on end and there are people who haven't heard the Good News of the Gospel.  I will be the first to wave my hypocrite flag. I will be the first to admit that my sin of vanity isn't all that innocent when I stop and take a hard look at the world around me. It absolutely is not a pretty world, but I don't have to let it convince me that I am ugly. In fact, when I gave my heart to Christ, my beautiful Savior, God said that I would bear a strong family resemblance to Him (Ephesians 4:24).  Did Jesus have frizzy hair?

So what now?

Get out of the cave. Leave the shadows and echoes behind and find light and your own voice.

The echoes need to go. I need to smile with reckless abandon to display the joy Christ has in put in my heart, rather than hide my smile because I never had braces. It will probably take some time, but with my God watching over me, encouraging me and telling me that my heart is beautiful and my joy is pure, I can grow and blossom into a woman who avoids comparison traps instead of stepping right in them.  I may not wake up tomorrow and ditch the flat iron just yet, but my heart is changing and Jesus is renewing my mind daily. I have full faith that He will heal me. That I won't always look at myself and feel the need to pick apart my flaws. I will believe that God has given me all I need to glorify Him in this world and I choose to be a voice that will partner with others do accomplish this. Satan may be equipped with an airbrush, but I have a sword of truth and enough faith to make me a threat to the shadows and echoes.

Why?

Because eight years ago, my amazing Father in heaven shared a vision with me. In that vision of the injured and flightless dove that represented me, He promised that He would heal me. I was tenderly reminded of His promise recently when I found a dove trapped in a chicken pen. A flutter of frantic wings caught in the corner of my eye and I recognized the frenzy from my dream. As I paused and watched the dove try to escape to no avail, I called to my husband for help. I was rooted in place as I watched him catch the panicked bird in his hands. As he brought it to me, I heard the reminder "trust in Me". I held the fragile bird in my hands, close to my heart and felt its own beating a storm into its chest. I spoke gently to it as I marveled at the sight of it in my hands. My son asked me how I knew to calm it down and all I could reply is that sometimes you just have to be calm in order to soothe another. Once the dove was calm, I looked it in the eye and told it to fly. Lifting my hands towards the sky, I set it free. Then, this morning in our closing prayer at church, my pastor asked, "Do you want to be stuck in a cage with the chickens or fly like an Eagle?". God's word never returns to Him empty. I will be healed.

And I will fly.

"Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily, your righteousness shall go before you: the Glory of the Lord your rear guard. Then you shall call and the Lord will answer, you shall cry and He will say, 'Here I am'. If you take the yoke from your midst the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Isaiah 58:8-11

Cannonballs of Grace

"My story is His story."

That's somewhat how I started out the other night. To be honest, some of the lesser details are a little fuzzy.

Sitting in a room with a group of teenagers and a few adults, I jumped off the diving board and dove deep down into my story. His story. My testimony.

It felt a little like doing a cannonball and a lot like getting water all up my nose. It burned, I sputtered and finally I was able to catch my breath and let the cool, calming presence of the Holy Spirit surround me. There were only a couple of moments when I momentarily forgot how to swim, but my Life Preserver is hands-down, THE best. Thank you for never letting go of me. 

A very wise friend* once warned me that when you have a testimony that includes forms of abuse or neglect, you sometimes find yourself using it as a weapon of self preservation and defense and often as a way to re-victimize yourself. I didn't entirely understand at the time what she meant because I was a fairly new believer and still felt all warm and fuzzy about my new found salvation. Don't get me wrong, I still have the warm fuzzies about Jesus (umm, hello? Have you read my 20 previous posts?). It's just that I was so overjoyed about the transformation taking place inside of me that I couldn't imagine using my past as a way to keep people at arm's length. I was ready to love everyone!! Nothing could touch me, why would I try to defend myself from love? Yeah, it all seemed so easy. Until the moment I heard myself say, "I don't deserve any more pain" in response to a situation that obviously was making me feel vulnerable, followed by the familiar smell of brick and mortar that only professional wall-builders recognize. Defenses, up.

Sitting in front of this group though, my friend's warning finally made complete sense. I wouldn't dare put up a wall between me and these kids, they didn't deserve that.  Looking out at the familiar faces staring back at me, all my defenses wilted and with every fiber of my being, I prayed that God would use me to speak hope, joy, triumph and love into their lives. I prayed that God would protect me from myself and that I would be an effective vessel for His Kingdom.

For the very first time, I gave my testimony without an agenda for myself. I wanted it only for them.

With shaky hands and a racing heart, I showed the scars of my life. I spoke of the consuming darkness I lived in and braved through when I just wanted to skim over certain trials about my past that I wished they'd never know about. Yeah, I wanted to build a wall around some it, but the wrecking ball of grace busted through and the restoration of mercy went to work.

With shaky hands and a small smile, I finished my testimony and stepped down from the stage directly into a hug from a young girl sitting in the front row. Thank you Father for a love that never ends.

For almost a year, I have spent most Sunday afternoons with this group of teens. I'm sure they assume that I am there because I haughtily believe I can teach them something. I would never presume to be so foolish, but I doubt they know how they've totally screwed up my plans of becoming a fabulous hermit someday. Or how much they have taught me about love, acceptance and joy. I'm happy to report that I can never go back to my quiet Sunday afternoons now that they've welcomed a wannabe loner into their loud and often goofy fold and that even though I would never tell them to their faces and utterly embarrass them, I think they're stinkin' precious. Yep, I'm ruined. In the best possible way.

Gracefully.

Thank you Father for this gift. 

*My wise friend has a testimony that is life-changing and hope-bringing in epic proportions. I am thoroughly convinced that she has a bejeweled crown in Heaven waiting on her that we, here on Earth, cannot even imagine the splendor of. If you haven't heard Tajuan McCarty's story or the incredible work of restoration that she's set out to fulfill, please do yourselves a favor and check out her ministry at http://the-wellhouse.org/about-us/ and prepare to have your heart opened by the mercy being poured out there. Tajuan's courage is inspiring and I humbly thank her for allowing me to share her wisdom in my little corner of the 'net.

"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11

Five Toes To Glory

I have a chronic issue. It flares up at the most inopportune times and often leaves me flushed and looking for the nearest exit door.

What I have is chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome.

Symptoms include not thinking before speaking, speaking entirely too much or too quickly and is often accompanied by a lack of filter and/or common dang sense.

Unfortunately, I haven't found many ways to treat it and I often am left with the taste of regret in my mouth. If any of you know me personally, you've probably witnessed this in some fashion and the inevitable look of, "Holy guacamole" when the moment of doom arises. I'd like to say that I have a tendency toward being socially awkward, but after 38 years of being called a "social butterfly" and "a hoot", I don't think I can claim that title. I think I just really stink at peopling sometimes. Example? While trying to make friends with a new family recently, I jokingly chimed in about how I just can't justify people doing a nautical theme when we are well over 250 miles inland. A small chuckle and dismissing look from the innocent party on the other end of my verbal bomb revealed that perhaps I should have thought about the fact that maybe said other party has her entire house decorated in a nautical theme and that I just managed to offend her inner Martha Stewart in less than 38 seconds. I am really good at things like this and even though I pray about it in extreme fashion, I still manage to jam all five toes in my mouth at least once a day. Lord, help me. If I just offended anyone with less than 5 toes on the same foot, my apologies.

Clearly, I am not perfect. In fact, when people say things like, "you seem to have it so together", I often retort with something along the lines of a snorting laugh or meager grin and ask them, "Books & covers, much?". I can appear to have it all together, it is true. There are times when I can appear so together that it makes me almost unrecognizable to myself and apparently, to God too. Yeah. He recently told me that I'd gone and made myself entirely too serious. The words, "You need to be funny, you need to be you" lovingly chastised my inner being recently. The oddest thing about that; I thought I was being funny. (Do y'all think Jesus ever laughed so hard He divinely snorted?)

After some deep heart searching, I realized that I had gotten uber serious as of late and kind of lost my sense of humor in the midst of....life. All of this led me to question myself. Am I working at my salvation? Am I trying to earn grace? Are my works lacking the much needed faith to be as effective as they should be? Who's glory am I working towards, mine or God's? OUCH. That last one left me reeling a bit. If I am going to be entirely honest, as I said I would be when I started this blog, I had to strip my motives down to the bare bones.

Truth: I was becoming a mild legalist. Afflicted with a case of Pharisee fever, I was getting a little too caught up with the "law" and not the "love", as Jesus asks us to. What that looks like is a churched-up version of the world and what Jesus kinda despises. From the outside, I don't know that anyone really even noticed. But, God knows everything, sees everything and the Holy Spirit will call us out when we aren't keeping it real. For this, I am grateful, as I was headlong on my way to becoming a full-blown Stepford-esque "church lady" and feeling a little too important about myself. It was a pretty great representation of what turns people off of church because I don't know that Jesus ever fretted about perfect eyeliner or not wearing the same outfit twice in the same month. No, Jesus went about loving on orphans and lepers, blind men and outcast women and always was more concerned about their hearts than their status or appearance. Pride is a sneaky son of a gun and will find ways to uproot any seeds of humility that happen to be sprouting in your life if you don't weed the garden every so often. God is supremely concerned with our motives, our works only count when they match our intentions. Can you dig it?

Truth: People pleasing is like slowly bleeding to death. Over time, drop by drop,  you will give yourself away and become deficient of love and anemic of grace in the process. Temptation to please leads to compromising to gain acceptance. Meaning, if you are serving anyone with the idea that they will love you more or think you're a little more than alright; check yourself before you wreck yourself, ok? People who truly love you, love you when you aren't doing a cotton-picking thing for them and will continue to love you if you never do another cotton-picking thing for them. Lysa Terkeurst blew my mind with this; "Do not confuse the command to love with the disease to please". Amen, sister. Loving God first and most often includes saying "no" to people and sometimes leads us to uncomfortable truths that may just be what sets them free from sinful behaviors. Ephesians 4:25 tells us, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another". If I can't tell my DFF (divine friend forever) when her crazy is hanging out or my neighbor-turned-husband when I've had enough Bigfoot documentaries and they can't be honest and tell me when I'm clammed up too tight in my hermit shell, that is just politely pretending and is NOT fellowship, amigos.

Truth: Churches the world over are full of hypocrites. IF you happen to think that you are not a hypocrite, I'd like to see what kind of mirror you have in your home. The one I have has this woman in it who really has a heart for Christ and falls short of doing His name justice every single day. I humbly submit to all of you that I am a sinner. I say one thing and do another without any real conscious effort to fall short. It is the nature of my flesh and your flesh too, please don't kid yourself into thinking that you are perfect because the real tragedy in that is you tend to lose sight of needing God in that mindset. Satan will let some folks lead a real easy life because he knows that they'll eventually stop needing God and therefore forget about salvation and live for their own gain. We see them everyday in the headlines and often covet their easy lifestyles and fortune. Again, a sneaky sin that winds it's way into our hearts and chokes out humility. Paul said in Phillipians 3:8 "Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ". Paul, in his time, was the man before he met Christ. A true legalist and the fairest of the Pharisees, the man was at the top of his game and after meeting Christ, called his former life rubbish. RUB-bish. Paul walked away and traded his Ferrari in for a Prius (totally making this up for dramatic effect) and had the time of his life in prison cells and shipwrecks (this stuff I can't make up) because he learned to be content in every circumstance and to believe that Jesus would be worth it all for one simple reason. He completes us. His love covers and smothers everything that I can't get right and even after I unload on a class about how we need to feed the hungry and clothe the poor while my belly is full and my hide is clothed, He loves me. In that moment of utter hypocrisy, Jesus Christ the King, loves little, big-mouthed me. He loves whatever kind of hypocrite you are too, He is just that kind of Savior.

Conclusion? None of it has to do with church really, it really has to do more with what I am willing to do with the Gospel. If I love Jesus enough to walk with His people into transformation and witness miracles. Do I love Jesus enough to care about what He cares about or will I lose focus in favor of shiny, earthy things? What were we talking about again? (God told me to be funny, take it up with Him if you have an issue) Yes, yes, I remember. I was laying my yard sale out there for all to see. In conclusion, I searched my heart and found out something super cool.

I'm not perfect. I don't want to try to be the best everything. I just want to be the me Christ thought was worthy of dying for. Imperfect, flawed, fallen, but earnestly wanting to be better. To do better and to most importantly; love better. If I could earn my way into Heaven and gain all of the Kingdom of God as my eternal home, the Cross would be pointless. I may be a hypocrite, but I am no fool. Someday I will stand in front of Jesus and I won't have my arms overflowing with good works, trying to show Him how I served the least of these. No, my arms will be open and expectant, ready to accept an embrace from the Savior who I love.

"If anyone loves me, he will keep my word and my Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23 ESV

Blessed Birkenstocks

"If I could hear Christ praying for me, I would not fear a million enemies." Robert Murray M'Cheyne.

Reading that quote put my already overactive imagination into overdrive. I have no idea who the dude is that said it and I imagine before I reach the last sentence of this post, I will have conducted a google search to scratch that itchy question, but in my imagination he was a commander of troops surveying a battleground, preparing his men for a battle against an army three times their size. Gazing over his men, uttering prayers and crossing the Holy Trinity over his chain mail. Or perhaps it was just one man, a man of conviction who was being persecuted for his love of Christ and was facing death at the hands of a firing squad. Think about it for just a moment and no cheating! No Google, no Wikipedia, just use your noodle and imagine why anyone would have need to say such a thing. Maybe, he is just your average believer who actually wants to know His Savior more intimately. I don't know. What I do know is that we live in a cushy, air-conditioned, wifi having world where the biggest known enemies we face on a daily basis are not enough bars on our phones or someone using the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Why would this guy be worried about any enemies? What was he facing? Did he tick someone off whilst waxing the poetic? Seems like he isn't like most of us, floating along in a sea of first world problems, filled with the thoughts of how to add to our comfort, ways we can make our lives easier, shortcuts to saving a few dollars, what we will wear to church, how to fluff our nests. What we forget that old dude up there was aware of is that we are in a war. Don't for one, hot second think that your nest isn't positioned right smack in the middle of a battleground. There is a predator prowling about who wants to wipe out the fluffiest nest of all, the Kingdom of God. (1 Peter 5:8)

I've heard it said that the greatest trick satan attempts is to convince us that he doesn't exist. Now ask yourself why he'd want to convince us of this? To undermine Christianity? To allow our minds to believe that God is a vengeful and wrathful entity that seeks to punish us? How many times have you heard someone claim that they can't do "Christianity" because they can't believe in a God who would allow children to die of cancers or babies to perish in wars? Personally, I have heard multiple variations of reasons and had even adopted one myself: Why would God let this happen to me? If you've read my previous posts, you'll remember that my relationship with Jesus wasn't forged by a life spent in church on Sundays. I spent a large amount of time believing in whatever I thought could get me through the situations I faced. At one point, I laughed in someone's face when they told me that God loves me no matter what. Here's a little nugget for you; if you don't understand true, grace- filled unconditional love you can't understand the vacuum of darkness satan is hoping you slip up and fall into either. When Darth Vader said, "Come to the dark side" he didn't know that his version is fields of poppies and butterflies compared to what is really lurking around out in the world. One of the most iconic pop-culture bad guys of all time couldn't even grasp what the real "dark side" is on his evilest of days, Darth in all of his heavy-breathing glory couldn't muster the kinds of Jedi mind tricks satan puts on us.

Ever notice a theme with all of the popular pop culture, cult classic movies? Trilogies, 7 book series, Prequels, sequels and everything in between. They tend to lean towards the battle of good versus evil, with a heavy emphasis on underdogs and unlikely heroes winning in the end. Kind of reminds me of.....The Holy Bible. What a bunch of ragtag dudes Jesus hung out with! The adventures and trials, the constant struggle between good and evil. Now don't get me wrong, there are some moments when you have to kind of "skim" through the who begat who and it is all relevant (trust me on this), but when you just look at the entirety of it, God wrote the greatest series of all time and it NEVER changes. JUST. LIKE. HIM. No new director is going to step in and recast our favorite characters or edit the dialogue. No corporate branding, no cameo appearances (welllll, Moses and Elijah do make an appearance in the New Testament that dropped my jaw). Disney isn't going to buy the rights to the The Holy Bible and turn it into a musical anytime soon is what I'm getting at. It is the one, perfect and untouchable thing in this world. The only truth. In that truth lies the struggle of the flesh, the reason why we must be aware of exactly what the enemy counts on us to forget. The Bible never says that we will not face trials, that we won't suffer loss and be witness to unspeakable or unexplainable events. In fact, God encourages our steadfastness during these times; that we remain in faith.  He will deliver us from the pain and mourning, the shame, guilt and suffocating grief that satan and our human emotions will hold us captive in. Jesus, God in the flesh, walked this Earth with us so that we may know what mercy and grace look and feel like, so that we we would understand what love truly looks like. Now, the reason I won't linger too long on the dark side; I read the last page in the Bible. I know who wins. Doesn't make me sit back and enjoy my popcorn and snuggie though. In fact it inspires me to get prepared, knowing that I am right in the middle of it. I know of one enemy, but he puts his poison in the Kool Aid of millions. He knows your flavor of sin. But you, adored child of the King, do not have to drink it. Put it down, walk away and go find that stream of Living Water and let your thirst be quenched with goodness and mercy.

Easier said than done, isn't it? That's the trick of it all, that's when you know you're facing something clever. Religion will tell you that it is all hard work to follow Christ. Relationship with Christ squashes tht lie and tells you it is not only easy, but entirely worth it. I'm going to give you a few examples, in case you were lulled to sleep in the middle of a fight. That book I mentioned up there? Take it out and turn to the book of Ephesians. Paul (formerly church burning, Christian persecuting Saul) wrote this to the churches surrounding Ephesus to explain the scope of God's eternal plan for all humanity. Now if you'll join me in chapter 6, verse 10, I would like to discuss The Whole Armor of God. You'll want to get your highlighter ready...

Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV)

     "Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places, Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all to stand firm. Thereforehaving fastened on the belt of truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one and the the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God..."

So, what does it mean to be strong in the Lord? It means to let Him be your strength. Often, for me it means to just be still and call upon Him. He will fight for us, He will rally up angels on high to surround us and send just the right people at the right time to support us. This isn't hard stuff, but we can be tricked into thinking so. What we do have to trust, is that God's timing is perfect and when we are waiting on that support is when we need to lean into Jesus the hardest. Don't call everyone you know looking for an answer, take it to God in prayer and let Jesus intercede on your behalf and wait patiently for who and what He sends to you. (This does not apply to situations when lives are at stake, please use your noodle for those, He gave it to you for a reason). Disclaimers aside, His might is so much...mightier than our own. How thankful I am for a Savior who has unending supplies of what I don't!

Now lets talk about schemes. Webster says a scheme is "a large scale systematic plan or arrangement for attaining some particular object or putting a particular idea into effect." Lets not mince words here. The devil is NEVER concerned about our well being and ONLY trying to kill, rob or destroy us of all good things (John 10:10) Why? Because all good things are from God (Psalm 127, paraphrased). The enemy of our souls has a systematic plan to attain our soul and then use us to put his ideas into effect. Essentially, poisoning the Kool-Aid, convincing everyone we know to drink it and then we all die. Scheme, decoded. Always good to know your enemy.

Think about this. When I got dressed this morning, did I fasten on the belt of truth? What is the truth? Does it match my shoes? Sorry, I had to. Really important though is that I chose to put it on. That it is not something I made, it isn't anything I bought at American Eagle. It is of God and I choose to wear it. God doesn't dress me in it like a toddler, or force me to wear it if I don't want to (very unlike a dress I had to wear to an 8th grade winter dance that I'm still not over). Bottom line, when I dressed this morning, I fastened myself with this truth: In Him, I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. And I believe in Him and therefore, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13). SEALED. Can't. Touch. This.

When Hammer Time has concluded, we shall move on. "Makes me say Oh my Lord...". Sometimes I wonder if I should be allowed to do this at all, but clearly God has a sense of humor that is witnessed through daughters like myself who plainly don't give a patootie if I'm everyone's flavor or not. Moving on...

Righteousness. Such a throwback word for an 80's-90's hybrid SoCal girl like myself. I think we wore something similar to peace on our feet back in the day too, also known as Birkenstocks. Serious time now; Why do you think Paul felt led to break down these pieces of armor? In the time Paul wrote the letter to the church at Ephesus, he knew that he would have to demonstrate to them how important it was that their minds stay tuned in for battle against an unseen enemy and battle armor illustrated that point precisely. Ephesus was well known for its easy-breezy, idol worshipping lifestyle during that time and with one of the Eight Wonders of the Ancient World thriving in 60 a.d., also known as the temple of Artemis, Paul's letter to the Ephesians is often regarded as one of the least personal and one of the more "hit 'em where it counts" books written in the New Testament. He wasn't playing around. They were in a battle. So are we. Grab your sword, send a prayer up to Jesus and let's go.

Before I end one of my longest posts yet, I want to leave you with this thought. In the second sentence of the scripture mentioned above, we are told to put on the full armor of God so we may stand against the devil. Stand. Not sit, cower, run from, hide from, or lay down in front of. Stand. When you are at a place in your walk, or you just now decided to walk with Christ and you feel that scheme working on your mind, attacking your thoughts; stand. Stand on God's promises and let the enemy panic. You have something that cannot be taken from you. Salvation. Victory. Jesus said, "Surely, I am coming soon" (Revelations 22:20 paraphrased). So I say, stand. He always keeps His promises.

Father to know that your Son is praying on my behalf, strikes all fear from my heart. Let me stand with Jesus Christ, the cornerstone of my faith. I praise your Holy name!