Did You See The Size Of That Chicken?

The title of this post is my favorite movie quote of all time. If you are not familiar with it, I'm not entirely sure we can maintain this relationship...

Joking, of course. Spoiler alert- the quote is from the movie Young Guns and is shouted by an addle-brained cowboy who ingests Peyote on the advice of a Navajo Indian who rides in the same gang. In his attempt to enlighten these stiff-necked cowpokes via organic chemical toxins, myriad hi-jinks ensue and the result is pure comedic gold. To my addled brain, at least. Probably not what you were expecting to read about as you clicked your way here, but I am nothing if not transparent. 

And I am also a sizable chicken. 

I haven't posted in almost...I don't know...four months now? I got scared that I wasn't that great of a writer and that y'all were beginning to figure it out. It seemed to me that I was running out of things to write about and lost my confidence. I also experienced a moment of feeling naked and ashamed (so very Eve) at how much STUFF I had just put out there. So, like a big 'ol chicken, I just stopped showing up.

Honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for both of us. In this time, I have hopscotched my way to a new glory and am seeing through a different lens. I can't take anyone further than Jesus has taken me and friends, I had put the brakes on. I didn't want to tread where He was taking me, it was so much easier to just talk about some of the pain and trauma of my past than approach it as Jesus was asking me to do with Him. Entirely more comfortable to sit back and tell all of you how to fix this or that than to actually take a long, painful look at what I was allowing in me. What I don't want to admit is that I got really good at pretending I was fine when I wasn't. So, here I am. Wrecked. Oh no, you aren't getting the end result me. I'm at the very center of a major smack-down in my heart. This is Holy Ground, people. This messy place where we admit that things aren't working, our hearts are no longer just coping and something in our spirit is restless and about to give birth to a God-smeared you. I have co-labored with Jesus for almost a year now to deliver this. Together, we have battled the rulers of my heart named; anxiety, shame, hopelessness, worthlessness, neediness, un-forgiveness, bitterness, anger, and loneliness. Together, we have stood firm against each of their henchmen; isolation, rejection, addiction, perfectionism, apathy, idolatry, control and, suicidal thoughts to name a few. Does it mean that all of these things are magically erased from my life? No, we are still in the thick of battle, but I rest in knowing that each battle is covered by His blood. 

Why share all of this? Because I believe that we all are capable of running from the places in our hearts that seem too scary to run into. I know, I spent a lot of time running from some doozies. Turns out that what is written in Ephesians 5:13-14 is complete truth; "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light" (ESV) and when I started pulling back the curtains of my heart to let the light in, I began to feel the beams of joy and peace transform the darkest of places. This isn't just a metaphor, this is the the beginning of the very journey I was created for. Discovering who God created me to be. I'm finding my voice. I'm discovering my gifts. It may even turn out that I'm not that great of a writer and I'll get thrown off the internet for poor punctuation. Okay, I really hope I don't discover that. Ack. Ugh...just keep telling me the truth in love. Deal?

What I know for certain though is that I have approached a turning point in my life where people-pleasing now feels more uncomfortable than rejection and that is a VICTORY.  

Another victory? Perfectionism has begun to give way to grace, which means that I require way less in the way of perfection from those around me. That whole, "if mama ain't happy, nobody is happy" was playing out in real life and I want my people ridiculously happy. It only showed how little grace I had for myself when I went around demanding that everyone else should carry on like etiquette school valedictorians. God's love isn't based on our behavior, mine shouldn't be either. Besides, what is a band-aid of grace without a skinned knee? It just sits in the box. 

God isn't interested in perfection from us, He's interested in our heart. Love Him. Love me. Love others. There is plenty of wiggle room in trying to figure out how on all three counts, believe me. Christa Black Gifford pointed out in a beautiful book called Heart Made Whole that the Bible speaks more of the heart than anything else in the entire book! A running theme of that magnitude should give us pause and start asking the simple question of; why?

I had the courage to stop and ask that question. So maybe courage is too strong of a word here. Maybe it was more of a "why won't this yucky junk stop showing up in my liiiiiiiiiiiife??", elicited in a semi-whiny tone. In tears. With snot. I had to get real about the fact that I was the common denominator of said junk and start shoveling through all of the unhealthy stuff my heart had hoarded over the years, long before I knew Jesus.  I honestly didn't think He'd be so interested in all of that broken stuff, but He has been supremely kind of obsessive about going through it and so now, I am too. Means I get to spend more time with this gentle, yet fierce Savior. Means I get to hear His take on each broken piece and come away with jewels of wisdom and the anointing of healing. This has been a precious time in my life. I have realized that nobody was angrier about the pain of my past than Jesus and that He willingly died to take that pain away and rose to conquer it. He is my Defender and Mighty Protector and that's what my soul has been aching for all this time. Someone to love me right where I am and show me that I am worth protecting and saving. This big 'ol chicken has experienced some big 'ol healing. 

Wherever you are in your journey, I ask you today to pray a simple prayer and ask that Jesus reveal who He is to you. He is so faithful to answer. 

Stay tuned as I unpack each of the broken places and what I've learned about the behaviors that came from them. Peace, joy and love be with you. 

You Found Me

You found me.

I wandered so far away, knowing I was lost.

I kept walking.

Searching. Breaking. Dying.

Too many wounds to name

so many faces that haunted me.

Let me stay lost, broken. Dead.

It's easier there, I don't have to feel. 

Looking for You was like walking on glass

a path too painful to take.

So, You found me. 

You tread on sharp places unafraid

the Blood forms a softness

under my feet

So I walk unafraid

across the sea of pain

knowing I won't slip under

You found me. 

So many years ago, you broke bread. Poured wine. Knowing, it was all for me. So that I may be made whole. This kind of love is unreal, yet it's more real than anything I've ever known. 

Thank You for staying in that garden for me, even when you saw the brutality making its way toward You. 

All because I fled the garden and didn't stay and the pain of me walking away from You was greater than anything You ever endured in the flesh. Every drop of blood, like a tear. Every strip of torn flesh, the very splitting of Your heart. The agony of limbs pierced, the truth of our separation. Your death, love undone. Resurrection, love unending. 

You paid the highest cost of love for me. Jesus, you found me. 

 

"but He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." Isaiah 53:5

Freedom Run

A little girl of 3 years old, messy hair and starry-eyes, running with her arms outstretched like wings, circling around and swooping low. A smile beaming out from her dimpled face, shining with hope and remnants of her mama's lipstick smeared on in "secret". As she gets further away, she turns to look over her shoulder at the Daddy she's sure is watching and smiles her biggest, she knows when she circles back around from her "flight" that he's going to scoop her up and tell her how pretty and remarkable his girl is. She's loved and she just knows it. She doesn't have to do a single thing but run in the freedom of who she is. This is what her Father calls her "freedom run". 

You couldn't have broken me from that vision if you tried. Rooted in place, arms meagerly raised in "worship", that vision stole the very air out of my lungs. Father, you couldn't possibly mean..

"Yes. I entirely mean..."

He showed me the freedom He wants me to live in. Through the eyes of three year old me, God showed me what it feels like to know. The words "child like faith" consume me and through this moment, I understand something I've spent my entire life trying to chase down.

Effortless love.

This is hard. Seriously this is difficult to look at and watch because my feeble brain is looking for the catch and cannot find one. This moment is untainted, the vision unblemished.

It is called grace and the stuff sticks all over you, thickest in the places where the wounds are deepest. An undeserved gift served up in the least expected places in moments when it seems to be mythical to believe in things like forgiveness and mercy. This is where I collide with love, head on. All of my huffing and puffing in my previous posts leaves me a bit chagrined because this is what God does. God does love without even trying and no matter how much I try, He isn't budging. I can bring Him my failures and He gets all giddy and tosses them over His shoulder like so much worthless rubbish and then leans in for a hug around the neck. He wants to be close to me, the failures aren't to be ruminated on when there is so much love to be given. When I want to whine and squirm about my boo-boos, Jesus is pure focus, willing me to hold still so He can goop some mercy on them. I try to explain how it got there and why it looks so bad and my Savior gives me the "pay no mind" look as He shows me how He paid it all on that cross. If I want to be injured and nurse the wounds for attention or anything short of praising God for the healing that has already begun, well, I can take my mat and park it next to the springs for the next 38 years if that suites me, however; He knows me better than that. He knows His girl better than that. I want to be healed.

I've spent the last few months getting used to a new haircut. Worrying that maybe I should've just left it alone and "what if I don't look pretty?" and God shows me a little girl with a mess of tangled up hair from the wind she's been catching in her freedom run. It's glorious. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about my wardrobe and what I could wear to emphasize this or minimize that and God shows me a little girl who's contagious joy will outlast any fashion trends. It's breathtaking.

My smile gets hidden behind grins and smirks because I'm self conscious about my imperfect teeth and then God shows me a child beaming with such abandon that I can't even describe her teeth, all I see is the radiance of her confidence. It's liberating.

Entire days of my life have been spent consumed with thoughts of being unlovable or not good enough. Days hungry for food, attention or love. Then God shows me a little girl who's body is nourished by full acceptance, never once concerned with whether she will be wanted when she circles back around because the world hasn't tainted how she sees herself and she knows she is seen and thoroughly adored. It's captivating. 

Oh, the effort I have put into trying to get it right and please those around me who seem to have standards I can never meet. Then the image of a little girl, effortlessly just being who she is and it is more than enough, the ease in which she runs doesn't come from thinking too hard about it. She runs the best way any of us can; with the full knowledge that she is seen. Her joy comes purely from knowing that her Father loves her and loves to see her freedom run. 

After all of this time, all of my blustering about; I'd forgotten about freedom. I didn't realize that I was still striving so hard. I cannot explain what exactly happened in my heart today and I won't even pretend to translate it here the way it took place. All I know is that God took me back to a place and time before the world changed my view of Him and myself and life got terribly painful and confusing. In a dazzling moment of pure mercy, I was shown that forgiveness and redemption look like bare feet running in summer grass with only one destination in mind; freedom. It's been a very long time since I've felt those sun-warmed blades of grass under my feet. I remember them though.

Father, take me there. My arms are open wide and I'm circling back to you. 

An Invitation

I've spent some time looking over my older posts. Cringing, laughing and often times just staring at the screen with my jaw dropped to the floor. I wrote that? There's some messy stuff in those posts, friends! Messy grammar, sloppy sentences and mostly, gory truth about some really hard things. At the time, I felt so convicted to just put everything out there and invite all of you into the mountain and valley landscape of my life. Now, it feels so vulnerable! So raw! And I'm grateful. Bringing all of those wounds to the light has ignited a chain reaction of healing in my life that only the gracious love of Jesus Christ could spark. Insisting that you're healed of things doesn't necessarily make you healed; what I found is that I had highly developed coping skills instead of strong and sinewy muscles of uprooting. Coping skills work for a period of time, but they mostly keep you from getting to the root of the pain. Let's admit it, pain is not our favorite destination to visit, let alone dwell in long enough to find the truth in it. I've learned that there is always truth in it though. So, I'm going to share with you what I've learned about pain, healing and moving on. So far.

The question posed for centuries, why does God allow pain? I'm not any kind of expert on God (He is so unfathomable!), but I am an ear-perked disciple of Christ, which puts me kind of in the know. Also, I've experienced the stuff pain produces. 

People cause pain, God does not. In Genesis when God was going about the creation business, He said something pretty profound after He created man; "let them have dominion over..." and then pretty much gives us dominion over every living thing. On Earth. Clearly separating Heaven from Earth, right? So, this shows us a rule that God made for us and Himself. It's called free will. He wanted a relationship with us. What good is a relationship without the freedom to choose to be in the relationship? Aha! It's not a relationship at that point, it is called domination. God expected that as His image bearers, we would reflect His love and that we would not dominate one another. This is about the time the slithery devil whispered in Eve's ear and messed it all up. Where did he come from?? That's for another blog post! The more important question we can ask is, why Eve? Not why, Eve?? But why did he choose to approach Eve. My opinion? The devil purposefully and maliciously usurped God's order. Remember, Adam was created first and was the leader of their twosome. Since the devil is full of lies and deceit, he craftily and spitefully went against the harmonious order God chose. Why didn't God do anything to stop this from happening?? He did. He created Adam. Only Adam did nothing, in fact Adam ate the fruit too. So when you ask the question about pain, it's important to revisit this story which has become almost mundane to most. The answer is, God gave us authority on Earth to be His image bearers. His authority was in Heaven. He created us to be Him, here on Earth. God won't even break His own rules because He is incapable of going back on His word. Man mistakenly trusted a very unreliable source and took it upon himself to think he knew better than God. Sin and death made their appearance and have been whispering in our ears ever since, causing us to treat one another with anything other than the love we were created to bear. Instead, we bear the fruit of the tree we stole from, rather than bear the fruit from the tree of life we were given full access to. 

Many of you may ask again, why didn't God do anything? 

He did. 

He put skin on and birthed His way into our world through the womb of a woman so He could save us from pain, bondage, sickness and death that our mistaken choice created. 

His name is Jesus Christ. 

He has authority here and in Heaven. He has authority to strike the serpent before it even whispers. He gave us the same authority. Are you walking in it or shrinking away from pain and feeling helpless to it? Pain is not your master. Pain is not in charge of you. You do not have to be in bondage to it.  

Pain? It will happen because of that misinformed choice in the Garden of Eve. We don't have to cause it though. We don't even have to wallow in it when others cause it. We still have a choice to bear the Love that was born and died here for us. God in all of His infinite wisdom and love, has kept His rules and still gives us a choice to love Him in return. He still wants that relationship with us and created a way for us to be brought back into that right relationship through a Savior. Only God. 

Hands weren't created to hurt. Hearts weren't created to be broken. Bodies weren't created for illness. Mouths weren't created to do harm. They were meant to comfort, love and give life. If someone has robbed you of these things, there is still hope.  There is always hope. 

Invite the living God into your pain. Let Jesus shine His light into the shame-filled, sketchy, messy, dirty corners of your home, heart and life. He wants to come into those places and fill them with remarkable light. God is not unfamiliar with pain. He took on a human body and was beaten and whipped to shreds so we wouldn't have to be. God spilled His blood to bring us into His presence and willingly let His body be broken so we wouldn't have to break into pieces. And if you're already in pieces, The Good News is that once you invite Him in, its only a matter of time until you're made whole. Complete. Alive.  

Just keep inviting Jesus in. 

"Truly, truly I say to you that whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgement, but has passed from death to life" John 5:24

Rest Assured

There is a dog barking a chorus of complaint in the backyard and I can barely think a thought to completion. My thoughts about our beloved pet are not nice right now. In fact, my thoughts about most everything are not nice right now. I'm tired, surly and ready to snap at the first innocent passerby. Lovely introduction, right?

Most people like to label themselves; things like "I'm an extrovert" or "book nerd" are a couple that come to mind. I believe these can sometimes let us off the hook from the reality of some pretty honest situations. We can safely say, "I don't want to people right now" if we make sure to assert our introverted ways, nobody gets hurt, feelings are spared and we can play nice later on. I find this very helpful for most situations, but right now, for me, a certain situation looks like this;

I love people. God created some amazing ones. They make me feel all kinds of tender things, especially the younger, smaller variety, however; I have had my fill of them and all of their needs. Why so many needs?? The tender feelings are turning to survival-ish clawing and biting ones and this is exactly when I know I need a time out. My love tank is dry. As in, you couldn't find a drop in there right now and that is after a two hour nap and a solid caffeine hug. I could blame it on some natural introverted tendencies, easily. But, I'm not a classic introvert and I am not as ready to label myself as much as I would have just a few short months ago. What I will admit is this: I'm completely poured out. Every ounce of goodness I had in me, I spared to those around me and now I need to refill, refresh and regain the laser sharp focus I'm widely known for (my friends are allowed to laugh here...there have been many a joke about distracting, shiny things made at my expense). But, you know what? This is a beautiful way to be. Just ask my family (laugh again, here).

Broken.

Poured out.

In desperate need of strength I do not have.

Wanting to burn all of the clothes that require washing.

Thoughts of breaking dishes that continually require loading and unloading.

Making sixteen PB & J's a week are haunting me and I stabbed one with a butter knife this morning and stuck my tongue out at it.

The Goldfish crackers that show up EVERYWHERE are mocking me and I've declared war on all snack crackers.

SHUT. UP. DOG.

All the makings of things women rarely share with one another in attempts to hide our fragile humanness, I'm waving around in public. I don't want to play the "everything is perfect" game. I want to let it be that I am tired, irritable, hard to love and extremely prone to chocolate right now. And. It. Is. Well.

You know who shows up the strongest, fastest and most able during times like these? The lover of my cranky soul, Jesus. He will take me just like this and when I said His name as I hit the wall of "overwhelmed" at full speed, it was He who came low and scooped me up in the gentlest way. Today, as I sit and listen to the dog barking her fool head off and ALL of the kids playing in the front yard like wild, unschooled jungle heathens, I can breathe in peace and exhale praise. Yeah, I really can. The world doesn't stop spinning when my head is starting to. Ever faithful, ever present, God is looking after His children and I don't have to do a thing but sit back and soak in His love. The laundry will be there tomorrow. The Christmas shopping that I've put off, it will get taken care of. The dinner will be phoned in and picked up. The kids will pile into beds tonight, mostly clean and entirely loved and those whispered breaths of prayers will reach Heaven because it is right here, in the middle of this life that has left me vulnerable and undone. His will is being done when I admit my need instead of labeling it as what others might view as a flaw. I surrender the ideas of being a lesser woman because this world is tough and raising actual humans is supremely difficult. I accept the truth that God's grace is sufficient and His glorious power is being made perfect in my weakness. Even if it looks like a large pepperoni and sweatpants all day. He's covering me, blessing me and providing for my every need. Lord, you do show so much mercy. Candy Cane Hershey kisses are proof.

I believe that Jesus remembers what poured out and broken felt like in a way I will never experience. Yet, He never holds that against me. As we have our very own communion, I find myself being filled.

Tomorrow, I have faith that I will wake up with a sense of purpose that doesn't look like scowling at my offspring, ignoring my emails or growling at my husband. I'm choosing to believe that as I exercise this most holy form of worship, called "rest", my soul is being given the very love it needs to get up and glorify the Kingdom in the days to come. I am enjoying this time, the sweetness of God's capable hands are all over my life and the impossible standards of the world seem miles away. A few moments of discomfort while admitting that I can't do it all have saved me from the resentment of trying to do it all and failing. Grace wins again. I pray I steward this gift wisely.

Friends, striving can be fatal to love. Once you step out of doing anything for the right reason, you immediately step into doing it for the wrong reason. Forcing yourself to "make" things happen will leave you bankrupt of energy and love, both of which are necessary to thrive and make a Kingdom impact. I encourage you to find some time to savor one of the gifts of your inheritance as a child of God; rest. Let Him take care of you. He truly will take care of the rest.

"For whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from His."
Hebrews 4:10

Limping Along

There has been a lot of moving and shaking in my world.

Aside from the typical business that goes down when six kids constantly need something from you,(I totally embrace this, I promise. I get to do this, right?  A dear sister sent me a devotional today that was a wonderful reminder that this is what I signed up for. I couldn't help but laugh. Who signs up for 4 boys???) I decided to go back to school, as well as haplessly lead a blossoming women's ministry in a church that is about to outgrow it's steeple. Yes, I am a wee bit crazy these days and I think I used toothpaste in lieu of pomade to smooth my unruly bangs this morning. 

But seriously, God is still on the throne and in the business of blowing my peppermint scented hair back. I paused for a moment this morning after all six of my charges made it into the hands of their teachers and felt Jesus ask me for my own hands. In my spirit, I could see Him sitting across from me in all his beautiful light. Then there was me awkwardly approaching with great trepidation, laying my hands, palms down in His. What happened next, the image of my Savior gently taking my hands and turning them palms up, riveted me to the moment. "Always be expectant from Me, I want to give you so much". Everything in me shifted.

Of course He does. The ultimate gentleman, He never takes. How do I get this so upside down sometimes? I've been hesitant in my prayers lately. Avoiding my Bible. Feeling like all I've been doing is asking for more and more and more, a crescendo of need filling my prayer time. Yet, Jesus tells me to expect more? I thought I was supposed to feel guilty for wanting more and repentant for asking for too much? This all feels so hard sometimes and like I am never going to get it right. Wait, shouldn't I repent for saying that? Does it offend God that I have questions? What can I do to make it up to Him?? (He knows we have questions and honey, does He have the best answers).

Yeah, therein lies the problem. My squirrelly brain got religious for a spell. I somehow scrambled the relationship that Jesus Immanuel died to have with me because He's completely in love with me and wants my expectation of Him to be exquisitely large. And maybe cut His people some slack because they are people. How did I let religion separate me from my Savior? I started striving and abandoned thriving, abiding and all of the other "ings" that truly belong to God's children. I let works work the love right out of me.

Then, I let thoughts sneak in. "Surely God sides with me and wants this person to change too, so I'm going to pray that He hits them with a 2 x 4". Where is the love in that prayer? "God what do I have to do for my life to look like _______?". Ummm, hello coveting. "Nobody understands how difficult being/doing/having/not having/expecting _______ is". Pity party?! I have a couple of words for you. Bitter roots. They've been creeping. Words hold a lot of power and thoughts comprised of a bunch of negative ones are pretty much like taking vows that say you won't allow yourself to be blessed in the unique way God wants to bless you. If you're not following it means this; speaking a bunch of stupid stuff over your life and watching it go down the path of the bad "ings". Read, sucking. I can't find that word in my concordance. In fact the only other "ings" in the column we would find it in are these two nuggets; stumbling and submitting. God is so good at giving, I can't make this stuff up. It's like He put the problem and the solution all on the same page because if you are doing one, you cannot be doing the other.

I have not been submitting my thoughts to Christ. I have not been submitting my plans to God. He's been speaking to me and I have been another word found on that same column, stubborn. The funny thing about being stubborn is that there are quite a few people who take great pride in being stiff necked and thick headed, however; I am not one of them. I fancy myself as fairly flexible and adaptable, typically keeping a student mentality. Because of the content of what He's been trying to get through my noggin though, I have suddenly become a mule-headed know it all.

There is no perfect formula for accepting love, it always looks and feels awkward when you've avoided it for a long time. Yeah, when it comes to accepting love, I'm a know it all. In an entirely ridiculous way. It's like when people sing Happy Birthday to you and you can't sing along because that would just be weird singing to yourself, so you avoid eye contact and wish everyone would hurry up because they are all staring at you and aren't we supposed to not want attention and adoration? Please tell me you understand this and that I'm not the only one freakishly agonizing for the chorus to end? A long time ago, I spoke things over myself that were untrue and kept them on repeat. God is now replacing those lies with His truth. You know what I keep doing? I keep looking away. I don't know how to be adored. I don't know how to accept blessing. I am spiritually lopsided. "No, God, I will show you how much I love you." Now I understand why we are called sheep, we would literally drown, bogged down by our own weight because we are comfortable in our overgrown wool. Just pretend wool means something heavier there. I told you long ago, I am an amateur writer. Anyhow, here are some examples of what I've told myself. Wonder if any of them will ring true for you as well?

I've done too much to be forgiven.

I spent too much of my life without God, He only blesses those who have always believed.

My past just keeps coming back in my face.

I'm not enough.

I'm too much.

I'm not qualified.

That's not for me.

My life isn't going to be anything great.

I'm cancelling those right now. I cancel every negative thought or action associated with them. I am cancelling them at the Cross and through the blood of my Savior. It is like saying what Jesus did wasn't enough when I accept those lies. IF that wasn't enough, what possibly could be? Those thoughts are well laid traps that have caught me too many times. Want to know the truth?

"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the Earth! For I am God and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22

"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation a people for His own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." 1Peter 2:9

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" Psalm 138:8

"Let us hold fast our confession of our hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah 33:3

God so loved us that He gave His only Son. Too often, it becomes hard for me to wrap my mind around the intimacy of this truth. God could do anything, but He chooses to give to me. To you. 

He chose to give so that we could live, in freedom. So that. Every time God moves, speaks, creates, breathes; it is so that. Perhaps the time has come that I lay aside these thoughts that entangle me so that I can receive this incredible gift that has been given to me. To realize the weight and power of His glory as I open my hands to accept the love and truth of how He really feels about me.  Maybe it is time to stop working so hard at a love that isn't dependent on me at all and faithfully obey the voice of the Lord. Now, as I turn my face toward His, I see it. The elusive "ing" He's been trying to give me.

Blessing.

He wants to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others. Same goes for you. Don't be a lopsided sheep.

Father, all to Jesus I surrender. 

Happy birthday to my hubby, you truly are my blessing. 

Run Your Play

From the bleachers, I hear the voices of parents chiming in on the last play. "I hope that other kid isn't hurt" and "yeah, someone doesn't know their own strength...". 

Then I hear The voice whispering in my ear, "you don't know your own strength either, my girl...". 

Seriously, the Holy Spirit dropped a prophetic grenade in my head in the 4th quarter. I chuckled out loud and self deprecation kicked in immediately. Right now, I'm not feeling all that strong. It has been a trying week, there are strongholds in my life that are coming down and in the process, I feel incredibly weakened by it all. God, I feel like a disappointment to you right now. Do I need to tell you how much chagrin I experienced when I realized exactly what the implications of trying to tell God about myself hit? He knows me. Knit me together and such. Yet, here I am trying to explain that He's mistaken. Funny how when your unbridled emotions and waning self-esteem collide, the end result is pleading your mediocrity with the very Creator of the universe. It is true, that I find myself kinda bland, but He doesn't see me that way. Am I trying to talk God out of me? Not the brightest thing I do and admittedly, I do it with alarming frequency. In fact, when was the last time I gazed into the mirror and told myself things like, "you're gorgeous and brave and you will walk out of this door and bless the socks off some unsuspecting soul!". How about never. I've never talked to myself that way. I tend to run more in the, "I'm frizzy and jiggly made" circles, not necessarily the "fearfully and wonderfully made" ones. How is it that God's unbeatable daughters defeat themselves so readily? How do we collectively breathe out such dissatisfied sighs without a second thought and put so much importance in earthly matters? 

God showed me something through a fourth grade football player though. That play above; the big, strong, fast kid was playing offense. We spend too much time on the defense. By defending ourselves from criticisms from a world full of unloving, bitter people, we place ourselves on the side that doesn't have the ball. I simply cannot find it in the Bible anywhere that reads; "conform, sell out, spend all of your money and time trying to impress people and then when you realize you cannot, come at it from another direction...". Somehow, we have put ourselves on the wrong side of the ball and forgotten the score. God's unbeatable daughters need to learn to play a more strategic offense! We already have the victory, at this point we are just making plays and running up the scoreboard for the Kingdom, yet we are still concerned with how we look when we're running. Just run the ball!! Here's your play: 

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you God-You're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration-what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread before you, the days of my life all prepared before I'd ever lived one day. Your thoughts-how rare, how beautiful God, I'll never comprehend them-any more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!" Psalm 139:13-22

The thought that God had His eyes, hands, thoughts and plans all over me before I was ever birthed into this world is one that lends to taking back all of that self deprecation up there and drives me towards repentance. Imagine, at a place and time unknown, He was already gazing lovingly upon the creation of you before He ever put you into motion. All the stages (even that incredibly awkward junior high stage) were spread before Him and He loved us even with waterfall bangs and too much eyeliner. Ok, maybe that was just me, but somehow I doubt it. See, He's a God that doesn't change with the times or fashion trends and while I personally believe He has gotten a kick over a few trends, (hello, 80's hair bands) God knew me then, now and yet to come. While the world around me is cashing in on how little I think about myself, God is wanting to pour out what I should know about myself. An irrevocable truth; Body and soul, I am marvelously made! Without make-up or flat irons (I shudder to think even as I'm preaching it). Without the newest style of clothing. Before skinny jeans and denim were ever invented, God looked at me and breathed, "She is just right" into existence. Just as He did for you. And now, He's going to rebuild our ancient ruins (read: the torn down us that gave into trends, the ancient act of competition and the ruined us with low self esteem). In fact, it reads just like this:

"I'll give you a full life in the emptiest places-firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again." Isaiah 58:9-12

Not sure about you, but I want that full life. There are empty places in me that the media and world have hollowed out. Too many times, I have torn myself down when I tried to build on a faulty foundation; my lack of identity. It is time to use the rubble that was left to build anew and restore, renovate and create a firm foundation for the future generations to build on. Ladies, I know it is tough, but would you want anyone talking to your daughter the way you talk to yourself? 

Imagine how our Heavenly Father feels. 

This is a time to build a community that is livable again. A place where girls run in the streets not for profit, but because of the freedom Christ gave all for. We can fix anything because He lives in us. Can we renovate our esteem and build it solidly on the truths God spoke about us? I believe we can. I believe we can choose a new garden to water, rather than tend to weeds and thorns of division and that Jesus will walk in it's midst with the joy that comes only of resurrection. We can harvest a beautiful crop with our lives and words, simply be echoing the sentiment spoken over us thousands of years ago; "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and mean it. God's unbeatable daughters were created for such a time as this. Let's reclaim our beauty and rebuild. 

My strength is in helping others find beauty peeking through the ashes of life's ruins. When I run my play, God rebuilds His girls. When I align my strengths with others, a community rebuilds a generation. When a generation is rebuilt, the word "slaves" becomes a minority rather than the majority. Girls can run in freedom with their arms spread, circling back around to Jesus when we reclaim and rebuild. The competition in this world is fueling an insatiable lust for heartbreaking things and until we hold ourselves accountable for what we put into the world, we will never offensively run it out of the world, ladies. If we so easily find our value in how a man sees us, we will never change the way men view us. 

Wherever you are, who ever you are, I encourage you to find your strength and run your play. Other people's lives may depend on you not quitting. Know your strength. Run your play. 

"I am your shield, your great reward" Genesis 15:18